Match #12: Head SP Rumble

The Fighters for The NEW Mushroom Kingdom: Kyle vs. VGW Man vs. Game Guru vs. Metal Man

Survival HP Mode
Items: Medium

(The fighters are standing in the NEW Mushroom Kingdom, but the booth is empty?)

Metal Man: Well well well. If it isn't Kyle and, if he ever gets here, Zer. The two people I've always wanted to pummel into the ground!

GG: *Sigh* Metal, I've told you. You can't solve all of your problems with violence.

Metal Man: I only listened to you when you were able to stop me. Now that I'm head SP, it's smashing time!

Kyle: Hmph. I was the best Head Superpower. All of you people replaced my glorious text battles with gibberish.

VG: Now look, guys, I hate to break it to you...but the match has already begun.

Metal Man: I know that, but I figured we should smack talk first!

(The argument is cut off by Digi at a microphone)

Digi: Uh, guys? Can we at least introduce you all first?

Audience: BOOOOOOO!

Metal Man: You have exactly ten seconds before I start punching people, Figi!

VG: At least his interruption was somewhat polite.

Digi: As long as I don't get tossed out of the booth like the last time I tried commentating something.

Pat: Just let it go, Metal.

Metal Man: Never!

Digi: Well, head Superpowers past and present are fighting at the New Mushroom Kingdom. All items are on medium, and it's stamina style. Time to see who's the best boss of the Stadium, right Pat?

(Metal starts punching the scenery)

Pat: Yeah. Too bad they all beat us to the arena...at least there's no way we'll have a repeat of VG's match vs. Powers.

Digi: Trust me, I know Metal enough, there is always the chance of an Armageddon or two. Also, I'm willing to bet that any chance at an awesome arena entrance would be ruined by the trash talk you just heard and bickering about the good old days that would make Cranky Kong blush.

Pat: But will the uni--

Metal Man: Don't make me come up there and smash half a bagel into your face! Start the match already!

VG: Sheesh...

Digi: ...the universe will not implode. It's too early in our season for that to happen anyway.

Pat: Last season.

Digi (without missing a beat): Exception to the rule.

Pat: If you say so. Now let's introduce what our fighters will be using...Kyle just has an odd hybrid of Samus and Captain Falcon's moves, plus Donkey Kong and Jigglypuff's special punches. You'd think for an ex-Head SP his moves would be more impressive than that.

(Metal rips a tree off of the stage and sets it on fire, then starts shooting it in the background)

Digi: Yeah, at least VGW Man can still recall just about any special move at will. He's settled on a few favorites such as Mewtwo's Teleport and a variant of Ness and Lucas' PSI Magnet, though.

Pat: GG will be using various electric moves. His regular one is the Special Galactic Blast, which is a charge move. He can also fling it like a boomerang via his Staff of Smiting, or charge himself up with a cloud, Kouki Kongou. Like VG, he can Teleport as well.

Digi: Finally, most of Metal Man's moves involve projectiles of various forms, from grenades to wads of paper. But don't forget that he's still a decent physical fighter and that he's got that megaphone that even Kirby would object to.

Pat: (looks down at the arena) Wow, they actually didn't start fighting yet?

Digi: Guess not...must be the big ego clouds down there or something. (shrugs)

Metal Man: You told us to wait, remember? Now start the match already, Figi!

Digi: (Frowns) Er... So, finally the fighters are assuming their starting positions, so let's start this thing before they get too bored! ...And before Metal starts talking about--

Metal Man: Whose Line! Whose Line! Whose Line fan isn't starting the ma--

Pat: Yeah...FIGHT!

Metal Man: ... ...Actually I forget what I was going to do next.

Kyle: As I was going to say, Metal...you should be more like me. I know what people want. And that is for you to be beaten up, so I can properly take my place as true Head SP.

GG: Uh, Kyle, that isn't the point of this ma--

Kyle: You're questioning me? You dummy, I'M the only reason this place exists!

Digi: All that talk and he still hits the Guru with a Kong Punch.

Pat: GG throws the Staff of Smiting back at Kyle and connects! Metal reaches for his Trigun and shoots Kyle in the head to stun him.

Digi: He goes to beat Kyle with...is that a barber pole?!

Pat: Could be Billy.

Digi: Yeah, however, it allows VG to finish charging up a charge shot. He hits Metal and send him off to the right.

Metal Man: Et tu, VG?

VG: This is a free-for-all, Metal! We can't gang up on the others, that would be unfair!

Metal Man: Exactly! Let's beat them down with our team advantage!

VG: ...

GG: (sighs) Stop babbling, you psychopath. It's giving me a headache.

Pat: Kyle tries to use a Pound but gets zapped by one of GG's clouds. That's what happens when you use one of Jigglypuff's moves...

Digi: She won her last match fair and square, thank you very much.

Pat: All I said was that he copied her move. VG runs past Kyle and Falcon Punches GG over to the right. Metal Man's gonna swing at and hit GG with the Deathmachine!

Digi: Ah, but GG retaliates on Metal Man by charging a Galactic Blast while using Kyle as a block.

Metal Man: Ow! Why did you have to specialize in lightning, GG?

GG: That's just the standard moves we Game Gurus use. Haven't you read my bio?

Metal Man: Nope.

GG: ...

Pat: Is that the fourth wall we see breaking before us?

(Digi taps on the glass in front of the booth)

Digi: I don't think so, we have a website...

Kyle: Nobody cares about you, Game Guru. You were only Head SP because I let you become it! Which is good, because I really hated that Pat person.

Metal Man: How dare you insult Pat? That's it, you're going down!

Kyle: Ooh, I'm so scared, Mr. No-Game-Journalist-Job-Haver!

Pat: Kyle drops a bomb but VG's able to teleport away from it. Again, bad move choice, Kyle...

Digi: Veeg then Reflectors him into GG, who gives him a bump on the noggin with his staff. Metal fires two piercing rounds, splitting the damage between GG and Kyle.

Pat: GG counters by trying to hit Metal Man with the staff, but Metal Man parries with an axe!

GG: That can't possibly be legal! You have far too many items on you!

Metal Man: Did somebody say 'items'? (wags eyebrows)

VG: Now you've done it, GG! We're in for more craziness!

Kyle: No one cares about his craziness. I'm the star!

Zer: Hi guys, I'm--

Metal Man: An idiot!

Pat: (sarcastically) Oh, finally Zeratul shows up... he should know it's dangerous to just wander into a fight like that.

Digi: Metal grabs that Pokeball you just threw in and hurls it at Zeratul, hiting him for some damage.

Zer: Well that was uncalled fo--

Digi: ...and it's an Abra. Thanks VG, you Tempted Fate on us. Let's see where they wind up! Might as well look at the scores while they teleport.

Zer: ...Really?

Pat: I have to agree with Zer, this appears to be the platform of Final Destination and just about every Melee-era background flickering around.

Digi: It's like some horrible empty land of broken dreams, isolation, and Super Smash Bros. Melee. And a computer that refuses to stop glitching.

Pat: That too.

Metal Man: You will pay for what you did to SSS! And for rebelling against VGW Man!

Zer: That was the past. I'm good now!

Metal Man: Tell that to my bullets!

VGW Man: I didn't exactly care for how you ran SSS in my absence either, Zer...

Zer: C'mon, VGW Man! I knew how to do things. You were slow and old fashioned and--URK--

Metal Man: You rebelled against VG! You ruined his interest in the Stadium! Now you die!

Pat: It looks like Game Guru and Kyle could use a bag of popcorn and two Cokes.

Digi: Not it.

GG: So...are we going to do anything?

Kyle: Let them kill one another. Then I can finish the leftovers and you off!

GG: Uh... "thanks", I guess.

Pat: Zeratul gets back to fighting and slashes up Metal Man, but Metal returns the favor with the Sword of Light.

Digi: Metal can't resist using the Deathmachine and shoots an exploding radio back at Zer. He picks up the latecomer, smashing him into the ground and has at him with a flaming golf club.

Zer: Ow! Argh! Gah! Why?!

Metal Man: YOU BETRAYED VG! YOUR TENURE ULTIMATELY DESTROYED SSS! THERE IS NO FORGIVENESS FOR YOU, WORTHLESS SCUM! DIEEEEEEE!!!!!

Pat: I can understand why Metal Man's so angry, but that seems a bit overanimated even for him.

Digi: Wait a few minutes, it'll get better.

VGW Man: I know the Mewtwo I worked with at the Super Smash Quest Stadium wanted revenge, but sheesh...

Kyle: Hahahaha! Watch that metal buffoon waste all his power on a worthless dust particle!

GG: I thought you were the "reasonable" person in all of this.

Kyle: I'm not a diplomat, you fool! I'm a video game journalist!

(GG sighs)

Digi: (tosses a Barrel in) Maybe that'll distract them for a few seconds--yeah, it does, cause Metal runs for it and tosses it at Zeratul, blowing up in his face!

Pat: (tosses a Capsule in) Zeratul goes for the Capsule himself, and looks like he's gonna toss it at Metal.

Metal Man: You won't have an arm to throw things with when I'm done with you! *horrific Metallic feedback noise* YELLOW SUBMARINEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!

Digi: (winces) What'd I tell you, Pat?

Pat: At least it wasn't "Bastille Day"...

Digi: Yeah, I'd hate to hear Metal after a Geddy Lee binge...

(the sound waves viciously knock over Zer...and also Kyle)

Kyle: Grrr... how dare you hit me! I was nice enough to let you beat up that fool, and this is how you repay me? Don't make that mistake again, or I will destory you!

VGW Man: Look, Zer. I know we didn't see eye to eye, but maybe you should rethink your strategy.

Zer: I don't need you anymore, VGW Man! You were just in the way of my great plan...if my computer hadn't exploded, you'd have seen!

VGW Man: But...can't you see how little you accomplished?

Zer: You have no idea of what I did. I made everything how it should have been. If only you had realized how inferior your ideas were compared to mine...

VGW Man: ...

(VGW Man remembers the Mewtwo of SSQ telling him to get revenge, many years ago. Later on, VG remembers blowing up a large chunk of SSS after an incident with one of Zer's lackeys...)

VGW Man: Fine. You've given me no choice. I didn't want to fight you, but if you're going to be a jerk and not admit you made mistakes, I'll just have to teach you the truth.

Zer: Ohhh... I'm so scared! The guy who ran away when we questioned his leadership is--

Digi: Zer, watch out, Metal drank some of his signature soda...

Pat: And the fists are flying among VGW Man and Metal, as VG shows Kyle how to properly Falcon Punch someone...

Digi: Yeah, I think Kyle's made a safe move by not trying to Falcon Punch anyone tonight.

Zer: Argh!!! (Zer flops before GG as the two fighters run after him.) You've got to help me, GG!

GG: Where were you when you were going to "help" me? I had to retire because of people like you. I'll just stand right here, like you did before.

Zer: No! ...Kyle, you know I was the best choice back when! Why don't you defend your choice?

Kyle: I never cared what happened either way. I just wanted those annoying people to stop bugging me. Now you're irrelevant, so go and die already. I have fools to defeat and superpowers to unleash.

Zer: Nooooooo!

Pat: VG puts up his reflector as Metal Man fires a red beam out of his Time Device at it.

Digi: Oh, and the beam explodes violently into Zeratul! He is getting completely roughed up out there as Metal Man smacks him senseless with his Star Board!

Pat: Another relic...

Digi: Yup, it's like we're teenagers again.

Zer: All right, all right! I give up! You win!

VGW Man: (lowers his Charge Beam) I accept your surrender.

Metal Man: Don't listen to him! We have to destroy him! All the past injustices must be violently avenged! (brandishes a sledgehammer)

VGW Man: No, Metal. He's learned his lesson.

Zer: Of course I have. I learned how to use HYPER BEAM! *Blasts VG with a huge beam of energy*

Pat: Uh oh...

Digi: This could get ugly for the others quick... (taps the glass again) We're still protected...

VGW Man: Urgh...

Metal Man: You'll pay for that, you procrastinating dipstick!

GG: Should we get lunch or something?

Kyle: I'm quite sure this pathetic display is almost over. I can speed it up if we get bored, though.

Pat: More of those Time Device beams from Metal Man! He's able to counter every one that Zeratul fires.

Digi: Yeah, now he's got to take a breather after all of that. Metal Man's able to close the gap between him and Zer, and a barrel appears near Kyle.

Pat: VG's getting back on his feet...

Zer: The best you can do is equal me, Metal. Don't even bother trying to beat me. You know from my banners, that I worked far harder than anyone else on SSS.

Metal Man: You're just one of many poor excuses for people I have faced over the years. To name a few: Dragon Saiyans, Robot Vampires, Invincible Super-robots... A ripoff of Zeratul with Pokemon moves is a joke compared to the true horror I have faced.

Digi: Zer slashes Metal Man, but Metal Man picks him up and hurls him into the ground! Now he grenade-jumps, with the grenade blasting into Zer!

Pat: He's gonna land on Zeratul's shoulder, slamming him hard into the floor before going back to the Deathmachine. What's he gonna get this time?

Kyle: Hmph, and to think, I once thought Zer was a good choice. Oh well, I can't have Metal beat him THAT easily. (He throws the barrel into Metal Man's back The barrel breaks open. Metal Man is knocked aside...)

Digi: Uh oh, there's a Smash Orb in that barrel!

Pat: The trash talk is fun, but this might be worth watching.

Zer: You're finished now. I've never used one of those thingies, but you're gonna lose!

VGW Man: I could win the match in one stroke with Armageddon. (shrugs) ...I'm not going to bother.

Kyle: Aha! With this orb, I could destroy you and rule this Stadium in one stroke!

Pat: Meanwhile, Game Guru does what he's supposed to do and chases after the Smash Orb! I guess we're getting the best of both worlds right now...

Kyle: Curse you, pragmatic old man!

Metal Man: Hey, that's mine!

Digi: Well, everyone who's not Kyle or VG trade blows with each other and the Smash Orb. I see staves, a volleyball pole with a disco ball attached to it, and Zer's sword. At least two of those three weapons are sane...

Pat: That Smash Orb's getting knocked around, in fact towards Kyle! He uses a Drop Bomb...and absorbs the orb!

Kyle: And to think, they called my Drop Bomb "worthless". Now to--

Digi: Not so fast, Game Guru uses a Galactic Blast and knocks the Orb out of Kyle! Metal Man fires...a glowing toaster at it and absorbs it.

Pat: Here he goes, he's using the Final Smash!

Metal Man: You're dead, Zer! This is it for you!

Zer: Not if I vanish mysteriously and am never seen for another few years first!

(Zer goes to run away, but VG trips him up with a partially-charged charge shot.)

VGW Man: I once felt pity for you, Zer, but now I don't even care. I have better things to do than worry about ancient grudges...

Metal Man: Ancient grudges are the stuff of life, my friend!

Zer: Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!

Pat: And the Captain Falcon emulation continues--

Digi: If he so much as warps a limosuine within 100 feet of this arena, I'm leaving this booth right now.

Zer: (appears in outer space) Huh? That's not too...

(The Wing Fortress appears, with Metal Man at the controls. He activates all the weapons.)

TSEER TSEER TSEERR BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM RATTATATA RAATTATA BOOMBOOMBOOM SLICE

Zer: Gaaaaaahhhhhh!!!

Metal Man: This is for all the fans you betrayed with your stadium-killing inactivity! This is for all the times you destroyed VG's achievements! This... is for the random penny I found on the floor today! Say goodbye... wah! You dead!

Pat: Also channels a tinge of Waluigi in there...

(The entire Wing Fortress crashes into Zer, and Zer lands in the cockpit. Metal Man then punches him over and over again, before finally charging up his Time Device.)

Pat: So Digi, going to leave? He did--

Digi: I said limosuine, not Wing Fortress...

Metal Man: FINAL REALITY BREAKER!

(In one huge flash, Metal Man punches Zer so hard that the entire Wing Fortress explodes, and a gigantic blue orb of energy from a small supernova consumes the arena. When it's over, Zer is only there for a split second, before being shattered like glass and the pieces thrown far and wide, before in turn exploding. Metal Man lowers down to the arena.)

(...and Digi and Pat are speechless.)

Kyle: Enough power to defeat us all, uselessly wasted on one simpleton! I love it.

GG: He could have used that on you, you know.

Kyle: Exactly! He used it on the wrong person, securing my victory!

VGW Man: I should have known he'd learn something that deadly from me...

Metal Man: Rejoice, for Zeratul is dead! (his Time Device catches on fire and sparks)

VGW Man: Uh, Metal... is that supposed to happen?

Metal Man: Let's see. *Looks at screen* Oh FU--

Digi: Just when we thought we'd actually hear Metal let out a full curse word...

Pat: At least they've gotten a kill in. This match is actually going somewhere!

Metal Man: -NKY FLIGHTS!

Digi: ...dang.

GG: That can't possibly be what you were going to say originally.

Pat: What he said.

Metal Man: I don't curse.

GG: But...

VGW Man: Does anyone see what I'm seeing?

(Kyle transforms into... Darth Kyle.)

Digi: No Kyle, I am not your son.

Darth Kyle: Ha ha ha. You fools. Now we are in NC Land! I have the power to take you all down now...

GG: Oh brother.

Pat: Digi, maybe it's a good thing Mk II finally ended...and that you had little to say about it.

Digi: Yeah.

Metal Man: The Worce is no match for time itself. Prepare to be WARPED INTO OBLIVION!

(Metal Man warps to Kyle, but Kyle just Worce pushes him back the other way. Then he Worce pulls VGW Man in and slashes him with the lightsaber.)

Darth Kyle: I know well enough your powers. But your soft spot for this mushroom will be your undoing!

VGW Man: Ow! This isn't fair--you didn't have these moves in the last rumble!

Darth Kyle: Pray I don't alter my form any further.

Digi: Well, Metal gets back up and shoots at Kyle's back. Orland's hit but he keeps beating up VG with a...Worce Choke. Now he throws him into the ground!

Pat: And Game Guru is just facepalming. I don't blame him.

GG: Why do I have to be surrounded by nutcases?

VGW Man: I'm no nutca--OOF!

Darth Kyle: That's for taking credit for MY brilliant creation!

Pat: Kyle hits VG some more but Metal intervenes, hurling an entire Dryer into his back! A point blank hit!

Darth Kyle: What is this? A clothes drying appliance? Your foolish magic will not save you, imp!

Metal Man: I've destroyed entire dimensions, including this one... it will be child's play to destroy you!

Digi: Wait, so that means Metal helped destroy one version of Nintendus, now NC Land?

Pat: Don't forget about being destory-ed, too.

Digi: Ah, right. Anyways, Veeg backs off, and Kyle and Metal are gonna go at in the middle of the arena...is that a bag of Funyuns in the background?

Pat: Dunno. Metal Man shoots at Kyle, but Kyle deflects the blasts with his lightsaber and stabs him in return.

Digi: Metal unsheathes a guitar, but Kyle shreds it for him with the lightsaber as well.

Darth Kyle: You didn't destroy NC. I did! Jay only kept it on life support until I persuaded him to go to Vegetable Doctor College!

Metal Man: Your lie's so ridiculous, even Dr. Archellago wouldn't bother debunking it!

Darth Kyle: Fine, debunk THIS!

Digi: There goes Jay's desk! But GG sneaks up behind Kyle and beans him with a Star Rod he picked up.

Pat: After a few hits Kyle shoves GG off. Metal finally gets back on his feet.

Darth Kyle: You shall join your hated Zer in the dust bucket of history, iron annoyance! Your Game Guru won't save you either!

GG: Hey! He annoyed me at least half as much as he did you!

Darth Kyle: Silence yo--

(GG zaps Kyle and then kicks him into Metal Man)

Digi: Speaking of, what happened to Steve?

(Pat shrugs)

GG: I don't know what made you this way, Kyle, but you should realize you're no better than Metal when you go rambling like that!

Darth Kyle: Psh... your sad little devotion to 'sanity' will not save you, Game Guru!

Metal Man: All right, Kyle, go ahead and finish me off. I'll just have this drink first.

Digi: He's reaching for the Cola again, and gulps it down. Kyle runs in with the lightsaber...

Pat: But Metal deflects it with his fists! They've turned the fight into a light show...it almost looks like Metal...

Digi: Is Giant Lightsabers Instead of Arms Man?

Pat: You're good.

Darth Kyle: Pah! Your parlor trick will not deter me!

Metal Man: Here, let me chase your whine with some punch!

Digi: Kyle doesn't want that, though shoving Metal aside.

Pat: GG runs in to attack Kyle but gets shoved away as well. VGW Man walks in...but doesn't go for Kyle.

Darth Kyle: Fine, don't believe me? I'll just destroy NC again! (focuses his power, and begins bringing down the entire main NC building on everyone)

Metal Man: I am more stubborn than any building. Go ahead and try to smash me!

VGW Man: Seriously, Kyle, what do you think this is going to do for you?

Darth Kyle: Silence, fools! Your doom is now. (the building falls over, only for Metal Man to run into it, taking heavy damage)

Digi: Is he nuts?!

Pat: He might be, he picks it up and rams it at Kyle!

Darth Kyle: Impudent wretch. Your power is nothing before the Worce.

Pat: Almost a dead even shoving match with the building...it's slowly coming closer to Kyle, I think he's getting tired!

Darth Kyle: You only increase the damage done to you. Tapping me with debris will do nothing.

Metal Man: Then I will defeat you with nothing!

GG: What?

Digi and Pat: Wait, what?

(Metal Man smiles insanely as he turns on his Time Device...)

Digi: Wouldn't that blow Metal Man up if he tried to use that?!

Pat: It may be a sacrifice necessary to shut Kyle up...

Metal Man: The power of the Worce...will be defeated by the nothing that precedes it!

Darth Kyle: Your babbling will not save you. (shoves extra-hard on the building)

Metal Man: URGH!

Digi: Uh oh, the NC Building got the best of Metal Man! He's crushed...but the building is still there...

Pat: Things are looking pretty bleak for Metal right now...

...

(A black hole appears around Metal Man.)

Digi: OH CRAP!

Pat: A BLACK HOLE?!

Digi: You KIDDING?!

(The black hole rips the building to shreds as the debris orbits Metal Man--while he takes high damage--and advances on Kyle, who seems to be backing away, trying to deflect all the debris and failing.)

Metal Man: Bwahahahah! Learn your place, Kyle! I am the true destroyer of worlds here!

GG: Geez... he's really taking this over the top.

VGW Man: That's precisely why I'm going to avoid getting him or Kyle angry at me...

Darth Kyle: No...no...how can it be? The Worce is unstoppable. Only a coalition of idiots defeated it before. You...you...

Metal Man: Me... me... I am the master of moron! You should have realized this... too late.

Pat: Now the debris starts raining on Kyle. He tries to swing the lightsaber at Metal Man, but it's ripped from his hand!

Digi: He's able to slash Metal Man once, but the black hole keeps going...Metal Man's facedown on the floor but isn't giving up.

Darth Kyle: No! It can't be! Your idiocy is just as all-encompassing as theirs!

Metal Man: And that is why you fail.

Darth Kyle: This fallacy will end now. Worce repel!

(The Worce uselessly goes into the black hole..but the Time Device freaks out again.)

Pat: No comment.

Darth Kyle: As you can see...the Worce can overcome any obstacle...even those which defy explanation.

*WHOOSH*

(Everyone is in Mega City; the black hole is gone, and Metal Man is busy burning in the left corner while the other three are facing one another in the right side.)

Pat: Whew, another new arena! This one we've been to, before, though, Mega City...

Digi: Guess we've had enough NC jokes for now...

Darth Kyle: Now, VG. It was about time I destroyed you.

VGW Man: Look, Kyle. I don't even really do this sort of thing anymore. It was just going to be a fun promo for this Stadium Metal is doing, and--

Darth Kyle: Your chatter does not please me.

Pat: Kyle slashes VG and then punts him into Game Guru!

Digi: Now he's looking at something on his belt...VG teleports behind Kyle and times the reflector just right! Darth Kyle's hit with his own lightsaber!

Darth Kyle: Urgh!

VGW Man: Look, this was supposed to be a fun fight... but I'm not interested in being taken out by you, either.

GG: I'll just stand over here while you two argue. (charges up electrical energy)

VGW Man: You're almost out of health, anyway. Why don't you surrender?

Darth Kyle: Like I would lose to anyone?

Pat: Kyle slashes VGW Man, but gets punched and kicked in the head. Now VGW Man charges up a shot.

VGW Man: Your words don't really match your actions. I'd suggest you learn not to pick on someone with an ego six sizes shorter than yours. It's just kind of embarassing...for you, that is.

Darth Kyle: Hah! Imp! You know nothing! (produces a Heart Container)

Digi: Pat, did you toss that in?

Pat: No, we agreed to no healing items... Metal's getting back on his feet, but I have a feeling the non-Kyle crowd might be screwed.

GG: Did I mention I really hate this stage?

Darth Kyle: I am whole again, and you are doomed. It doesn't take a video game journalist to know this. My history of video game playing was all it took.

VGW Man: This isn't the first time I've fought cheaters!

Darth Kyle: But I am the BEST cheater, you--ARGH!

Digi: And GG zaps Kyle with a big bolt!

GG: Seriously, you should stop standing around and monologuing. It makes it too easy.

Darth Kyle: You'll see what I can--

Pat: VG Falcon Punches him into a wall!

Darth Kyle: I'll completely wreck yo--

Digi: GG trips him and then throws him down...

Darth Kyle: You foolish infide--

Pat: Is that a letter opener?! Whatever is it, Metal slices Kyle with it!

Darth Kyle: CURSE YOU ALL! (floats to the center of the stage)

VGW Man: What are you going to do, talk us to death?

Darth Kyle: Yes! I mean NO! I have a much more suitable death for you traitors to my cause!

GG: Ay carumba...

Darth Kyle: Behold...my TRUE FORM!

Digi: Again?

(the stage shifts violently...)

(...and Kyle's Poker Casino phases into view. Piles of poker chips and cards and neon signs appear, surrounded by text saying 'PLAY POKER NOW!" Kyle himself is now dressed in the outfit of a King from traditional playing cards has, complete with poker cards on his sleeves and a hat and sunglasses, like most poker players have.)

Kyle: You pathetic non-poker-playing imbeciles. I have discovered a power beyond the Worce...POKER. You will all be destroyed! And Poker will dominate this world, as it will soon dominate...the entire universe!

Digi: Kyle, this ain't Mobius...

Metal Man: (slowly getting up) You... should... fold... while you're ahead... (coughs)

Kyle: Hahahahahah--No.

(Pat tries tossing in a capsule, only for it to bounce off)

Digi: Okay, something's up with the items, that's an invisible wall!

Kyle: Yes, you fools. I control this arena! I control everything! I am the true master of SSS and of the universe. And you doubted me? Have some CARDS!

(tosses cards everywhere, hitting the commentators as well as the fighters)

Pat: Ow! Papercut...

Digi: (winces) This isn't good...

Kyle: How about some CHIPS to go with your failure?

(A massive pile of poker chips in the background falls and crushes most of the fighters on the stage)

Pat: (tilts his head) Well, those missed us..

Kyle: You're all nothing compared to my ROULETTE TABLES!

(A massive roulette wheel squashes everyone on the stage as it rolls by)

Digi: Good thing that DEFINITELY missed us...

Kyle: Of course! You must be here to narrate my triumph!

Kyle: This is it, unproductive non-Journalist fools! The time I reassert my power over SSS. Kneel before me or be destroyed!

VGW Man: Don't... count on it...

Kyle: Bah! (shoots a bunch of cards out one sleeve at VG)

Digi: He sends a deck at VG, but he reflects it into his face!

Kyle: How dare you! Those cards aren't for me! Oh well, you won't be able to see anything anyway! (gestures and the entire arena fills with text about poker ads) There. Now to destroy you...

Pat: Crap. Now we can't see the arena cause the ADS ARE IN THE WAY...

Metal Man: Nice joke, Kyle. I'll destroy you quicker than you can say, "Kuja shouldn't have forced Metal's hand."

Kyle: You pathetic loser, you want to destroy me? You have only a tenth of my greatness and none of my charisma!

Metal Man: You keep talking like that. I'll just break your fancy suit into a bunch of worthless inside straights.

(Metal Man stumbles through the mess, knocking GG aside before leaping up and bashing Kyle with the steering column of a Convert-a-Car. He then summons the Sword of Light in one hand and a burning golf club in the other. Kyle puts one hand behind his back and smirks, as the ads clear.)

Digi: There we go.

Kyle: Very well, I accept your challenge!

Pat: Metal swings at Kyle, but Kyle's poker hands block where he is...he warps around Metal, kicking him in the back.

Digi: Metal's mad, but he gets up and is immediately knocked down by a rolling eight ball!

Kyle: One more hit and you're dead. Isn't that amusing?

VGW Man: Let me give you a hand.

Kyle: What?

Pat: VG blasts Kyle's back arm with a Charge Shot, then GG smashes him over the head with his staff!

Digi: Kyle turns around to blast both of them, but he's caught off guard when Metal Man rips the scenery out of the arena! He hits Kyle with a big cardboard...card...

Kyle: All three of you can't beat me!

GG: Look, Kyle, it's nothing personal. You're just really, really annoying.

Pat: I concur.

Kyle: Silence, annoying Pat! You're not even as useful as Billy now! (ahems and faces the fighters again) You don't think the feeling is mutual? Enough talk!

Digi: Kyle zaps GG with an electrified roulette wheel, but VG stomps him and comes in with a Falcon Punched into a wall.

Pat: Metal Man takes out his gun and Tri-Attacks Kyle while he's flailing. Game Guru comes in spears him with the staff a couple times.

Kyle: Urgh. Power... decreasing...

Kyle: Win or lose, I will show who is really the best. It was always me! And my Driver's Ed stories! Now taste my full power! (powers up a massive cloud of Poker cards and throws it at Game Guru)

GG: Shoot, I can't reflect that!

(the huge cloud begins to zap GG's health away--

VG: But I can!

Pat: Kyle's hit by the cloud!

Digi: He's burning and flailing about...the stage is literally collapsing around him as his health is fading.

Kyle: Noooooooooooooooooo! (looks around and shakes his fist) Fine. You can have this empty wasteland. I have the rest of the world in my hands. Enjoy your unpopular emptiness!

(Kyle warps out of the stage entire, as the stage then disintegrates)

Pat: About time...let's see if the last three can actually put on a fight.

Digi: We'll see where this takes them, first...

(the arena changes once again)

GG: So, VG. Why don't we just bump Metal off and finish this farce?

VG: Well it's obvious he isn't a factor right now. If he doesn't forfeit, sure, but...he did kind of take a bullet or two for us.

GG: It was technically a lightsaber.

VG: Right.

GG: Well, if you insist.

(GG and VG run at one another as the arena becomes clear--it is the ruins of the old SSS)

Pat: Hang on...did we just warp to the dimension we just bailed out of?!

Digi: I think it's just a projection, but at this rate, who knows?

(Metal Man stands, smoke still rising from him from earlier, as he stares at the destruction.)

Metal Man: That Stadium made a funny noise when I blew it up. Not quite as good as destroying an entire dimension though. Or that home planet full of freaks I hated. Too bad I didn't get to destroy Kyle, though.

Digi: Oh great, maybe we did wind back up there...

Pat: Yeah, I was gonna say. GG and VG charge up shots but they cancel each other out and explode.

Digi: The Guru tosses his staff at the Toad but is hit by VG's reflection. Metal watches on as the other two teleport.

VG: Your moves are a bit familiar, you know... have you been watching my old tapes?

GG: I'm a Game Guru. We all have these moves. ...And I don't usually fight in matches. Or ever. In fact this is my first real match.

Digi: Hey! He and I were involved in the "No contest" fiasco last season...

Pat: But if it ended no contest, does it actually count as a match?

Digi: Eh, maybe he's right...

VG: Well, let me just show you how the experts do it then.

Pat: VG goes for the Falcon Punch but GG sidesteps it and makes him miss. He hits VG with the staff but VG fires a charge shot right back at him.

Digi: (tosses a crate) Let's see if they pick that up. Metal Man doesn't care though, he's too busy fiddling with loose chunks of rubble...really?

GG: You know...I don't really care all that much if I win. This was all Metal's idea.

VG: I don't care much either. I mean, Metal just has all this violence and...I just wanted to run a Stadium.

Metal Man: It was all fine until people like Zer showed up and Kyle morphed into an intergalactic doofus!

GG: I don't think they needed to be violently destroyed though...

VG: No. SSS did.

GG: What? Take that back.

VG: Never. Not after what happened...

Pat: Uh oh, GG tries to punch VG but his fist gets reflected! And another shot!

VG: You don't understand, GG. You didn't have rebel SPs.

Digi: And now they're talking politics...

GG: What do you think Knight and Metal were? Metal even branded himself as Maverick!

VG: Wolfman would probably have a word with him over that... but I digress. I could never see SSS the same after my own people turned against me.

GG: Then why did you keep coming back to say it should be destroyed?

VG: I didn't! Metal just kept relaying it to you guys. And then that one time...

Metal Man: Well, VG? Why haven't you destroyed GG yet?

VG: Huh?

GG: Thanks for the opening, Metal.

Pat: And he shocks VG with more lightning.

Metal Man: Oh no!

GG: Don't take this personally, but there's just a limit to this whole VG legacy propaganda you've gone on about. SSS wasn't just him, nor was it just Kyle. It was all of us.

Digi: This touching moment brought to you by the letters G and G...

Metal Man: You take that back. VG and I and, er, sort of you are all that mattered!

GG: Sigh... this is why I left in the first place.

(VG gets up, as GG holds out his staff.)

VG: You'll never learn... SSS should be ended, before any more betrayals can happen.

GG: Can it, VG. You've been twisted by your old grudges. I don't care who wins, but, since you challenged me to this duel, I may as well finish it.

Pat: VG's got no chance--

Metal Man: No! No one will defeat VG in SSS again!

Digi: Not quite! Metal Man leaps down as Game Guru tries to hit Veeg, getting in the way and knocking GG over. He's dazed from that Mach Punch...oh no, the Fighter Remote sparked and hit Metal in return! He's down!

Metal Man: This is for you...VG...defeat him...for Mewtwo...and me...

GG: Urgh...no...not now. You...you...Metal Man...SSQ...VG...fine...you win. You're just too crazy for me.

VG: ... (looks at the booth) What's going on?!

Digi: I think William Shatner and his clone became SPs...and what are you just standing there for? Fight him!

VG: Uh...Well, in a way, you're right, GG. I don't really care who wins anymore. I just wanted it to end, so...I forfeit. You can take the win. Metal isn't even conscious to object or beat you up, so there.

GAME SET!

THIS GAME'S WINNER IS... GAME GURU!

Digi: (blinks) And once again, a Superpower rumble just simply has no winner...

Pat: I think the fans gave up after the second arena swap, too...but I guess Game Guru is the winner...

GG: What...but...he beat me...you beat me...I didn't do anything but stand around. I haven't even FOUGHT in a real one of these before...

Pat: GG, I retired after the last one, and you were in it.

GG: I can tell why.

Pat: Hmph.

GG: I'm also pretty sure Professor Oak obsessing over a wild Lugia in the arena and getting chased by it after trying to catch it would ruin the credibility of that match.

Pat: Would it have if it wasn't a style match?

Digi: No, so I say it counts, darn it.

VG: Well then, you needed a win far more than me. Whether I liked it or not, Metal went around, 'winning' battles for me. I...don't need any more of those. I didn't need them originally, but...I have other things to do these days.

(Metal Man stands up, revived by the post-match effect)

Metal Man: What? No! GG cheated! There is no way you could have lost!

VG: Metal...

Metal Man: What? Did I not kill him for you enough? Here, I can really kill him now, VG! Maybe you can finally consider me as cool as Gibby and Alys were back when after this!

(Metal takes out a spray-bottle filled with what looks like liquid fire and an electric automatic trigger and points the laser-aimed crosshair at GG's head)

*DING!*

GG: What was that?

Digi: Oh, popcorn's ready.

(Digi walks over and takes a bag of popcorn out of the microwave, opens it, and offers some to Pat)

Pat: This might be the most productive thing we've done this entire match. (eats some)

VG: Metal!

Metal Man: All right, what is it? I spent fifteen minutes laughing maniacally at the idea of burning your foes to death, you know! Now my plan is ruined...

VG: I don't need you to keep doing this for me.

Metal Man: So obviously, you need me to wield you as a lethal weapon instead!

VG: No!

Metal Man: ...you want to retire to a life of luxury, worshiped by the people of SSS as a God?

VG: NO!

Metal Man: All right, now I'm confused. I thought you wanted vengeance.

VG: That was a Mewtwo in another dimension that YOU blew up!

Metal Man: Oh, right.

GG: ... (epic facepalming)

VG: You've done enough, Metal. Too much, even. I appreciate that you...exiled...most of my old foes, but I didn't really care prior to that, and I really don't care now.

Metal Man: Well, yeah. I knew that. But I thought...

VG: No! No crazy plan of yours is going to change it. I've moved on... and maybe you should, too.

Digi: (muttering) Crazy doesn't begin to define it... (munch munch)

Metal Man: Never!

VG: ...Well, I admit, I can't really tell you to be someone else. But just get it through your head...I'm done. You've done your job...now move on to whatever SSS it is you want; I'm not into this anymore. And neither is Kyle, though I never really liked what he became either. But you don't need to harass him either.

Metal Man: Fine, I'll leave this old stuff be. But only for you, VG!

GG: (groans) Why is it that with most everyone else, he won't even listen to common sense, but he'll grovel at the foot of a one-off Head SP who didn't amount to much?

Ghost of Saiyaman: Beats me.

GG: Who said that?

Ghost of Saiyaman: Oops. (vanishes)

Digi: This popcorn didn't expire, right?

Pat: Nope...

Digi: Wait, what happened to Zeratul? The scoreboard said he was only "DEAD?"--with a big question mark at the end...

Pat: Don't worry about it. I think I can just sit here and watch them debate all night long.

Digi: Indeed...you want to go to my place?

Pat: This isn't a Monty Python sketch...

Digi: ...sure feels like one.

To be continued???