March #27: Lasers and Whips!

Fighters For The Great Fox (Corneria): Samus, Simon

Stock: 2

Items: Medium

Metal: So, another long, arduous, complex battle came to a close... several weeks ago.

*Metal shines up an image of himself and the Questers... ...the ones who don't currently want him dead... that's about one or two of them.*

Metal: Now that my room is properly furnished, it's time for me to do a match.

*Metal shuts the door. The camera pans to show off his room--made out of gold plated tiles and with diamond windows. It is so sparkly that the reflections blind the camera.*

Mash Toady: Argh! My eyes! Who puts a DIAMOND LIGHT LENS in their skylights?

*The hallway outside Light Bear's door. Twilight is alone in the corridor.*

Twilight: This is so unlike the professor. Usually he's up bright and early on days he's supposed to host a match.

*Twilight walks up to Light Bear's door and knocks*

Twilight: Professor? Are you in there? It's time to-

Light Bear: *behind door* G-GO AWAY!

Twilight: ...are you... crying, Professor? What's the mat-

Light Bear: Light Bear! MY NAME IS Light Bear! NOW LEAVE ME ALONE!

Twilight: But Pro-... Light Bear, you're supposed to host a match today!


Twilight: *shocked* I... um... alright, Light Bear... *walks away*

*locked in his room, Light Bear slumps down against his door, collapsing his head in his arms as he weeps and shudders uncontrollably. Finally he looks up at his desk, upon which sits his top hat, monocle, and bowtie, placed next to a small, burning white candle.*

Light Bear: *sigh*... It's been five years...

Twilight: *walking down the hallway to Metal's office* That's worrying...I'd better tell Metal about this. *Walks to the office, runs directly into Metal* OOF!

Metal: BAMF! *Gets up and looks at Twilight.* What's going on here, pastel pony person? I have to exercise my perfectly safe and legitimate 9-ball on the arena! *Takes out a turquoise billiard ball that makes ticking noises*

Twilight: Uh...Metal, there's no time for that. I think the Profes-er, Light Bear is having a bit of breakdown...he won't come out of his room, and he was shouting, and-

Metal: Wow! It's another Wednesday wailing day! I should join in with him! WAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Twilight: *winces and sighs in frustration* Metal, for heaven's sake, he was crying!

Metal: He was crying... crying for some delicious hostess cupcakes. One cannot live without them for long, I assure you.

Twilight: *facehoofs* You can't make this easy, can you.

Metal: Easy? Easy? Don't call me easy! I'm hard mode! Hardcore rubber band chewing turbo controller melting plasma! *Takes out his pistol and shoots out a window* BAM! BAM! See? Just like I capped that uppity Seraphis!

Twilight: ...But without him, no one will run the match!

Metal: What? He was supposed to run the match? Dang it, where's my schedule... *Takes out a bunch of grenades, plastic explosives, copies of Home and Garbage monthly, and silly putty, before taking out a balled up glob of paper and ripping it open* Oh. That's right. I thought today was Thursday. Well, I guess there's no match then. See ya, I'm off to hit grenades with a 9-iron at John Madden.

Twilight: That's...that's actually quite irresponsible of you, Metal, I'm quite d--

Metal: Don't use that word around me! DON'T USE THAT WOOOORD! *Sticks gun to Twilight's face* I'll do it... BUT ONLY IF YOU DON'T USE THAT WORD!

Twilight: O_o

Metal: ...I'll take that as a yes. Carry on. I have a match to do! *Merrily skips off, his weight causing the entire place to shake and cracking floor tiles everywhere*

Twilight: *Just sits there, staring blankly after what just happened*

Pinkie Pie: *has been standing in the hallway next to the door to the office ever since Twilight walked in* Hmm...I'd better go investigate. *bounces off down the hallway to Light Bear's room*

*In the SP Lounge*

Yesman: ... Anyway luckily my neck broke my fall, and I survived.

Kevin: Wow. That's pretty crazy, but I can top it. One time, back when I was still in training with Raiden, I was attacked by a pack of rabid wolves. So what did I do? I used my lightning to kill them all, except for one, which I didn't see. He tackled me and bit me. I struck him down and had to get a rabbis shot.

Yesman: I was bitten by an opossum. I had to go get a rabbis shot, but the opossum had to get a Yesman shot.

Kevin: ... I can shoot lightning.

Yesman: I can reflect it with my mask.

Kevin: I can absorb it.

Yesman: One time I killed a dragon.

Kevin: In Skyrim. I killed a REAL dragon.

Yesman: .... Touché.

Kevin: ....

Yesman: Wanna go play Skyrim?

Kevin: Hell yeah!

*Metal is in the Stadium announcer's booth, with a telephone jammed to his helmet*

Metal: I don't care what you say, Mewtwo. Until you agree with me that ice is inferior to wood, I'm not letting you commentate.

Metal: No, chartreuse is not the best color! Spaghetti red is! Now come down here before I have a clown take your place!

Metal: ...All right, all right, I'll never mention the Funky Chicken again to you if you come.

Metal: ...I'll stop throwing pogs at your driveway!

Metal: ...I'll stop telling people you were a cyborg!

*Crowd boos and throws food at the announcer's stand*

Metal: Gotta go. It's match time!


*The deafening screech of feedback and Metal's voice cracks the window, and causes some fans to flee in terror.*

*Yesman is still crying, as his window breaks from the awful feedback.*

Kevin: I told you! I told you not to install that mod! Now the dragons are ponies and the ponies are dragons! And a giant hideous face is in the sky!

Yesman: *Sobbing* My high level character was just eaten by a huge glitch and--

*Pinkie Pie walks in*

Pinkie Pie: Hey guys. Have you noticed the Professor acting strange lately?

Kevin: Uhhh... no.

Yesman: *Sobbing some more* Didn't even get to say 'Fus Roh Dah'...

Pinkie Pie: O...kay.... *backs away slowly*

Metal: Today! For this match! I am... your lord and master! Metal Man! The god of announcing! I totally killed the last guy who tried to take this chair! No one can possibly beat me!

*Mewtwo floats in and idly shoves Metal into the wall.*

Mewtwo: Welcome to the Super Smash Stadium. Today's match is Simon and Garfunkel.

*Crowd sounds confused*

Mewtwo: ...I mean Simon vs. Samus. Why can't you ever write things down correctly, Metal?

Metal: Because a toucan stole my common sense!

Mewtwo: ...*Groans*

Metal: Now for our arena. Our arena is... absolutely nothing at all!

*Mewtwo hits a button*

Metal: Now it's the Great Fox in Corneria! Amazing!

Mewtwo: Simon leaps in and whips a candle for his introduction...

Metal: And Samus' warp thingymajiggy warps her in! I wonder if this one remembers when I called the other Samus "muffin"...

*Mewtwo socks Metal in the visor*

Metal: Ow! Fine! We're starting!

Mewtwo: You better, or I'm ramming that entire chair down your throat AND stealing all of your coins.

Metal: The two fighters walk near one another as I remember that somewhere there were supposed to be rules in this match!

Mewtwo: Two lives. Medium items. One hundred percent you not acting like a loon.

Metal: Sheesh, it's like you became Garrick's clone or something.

Mewtwo: You see Samus shooting Simon in the face with a Super Missile?

Metal: No. I got distracted by the huge crate that exploded due to begin shot at by the Great Fox.

Mewtwo: Well if you keep this up I may have to start whipping you in the face like Simon is doing to Samus right there.

Metal: I'm wearing a visor. SHE'S wearing a visor. That's why she just up and hurled Simon upwards and onto an arwing.

Mewtwo: ...

Wanted: Person who can eat an entire planet. Needed to deal with an evil sentient planet.
Lives: 2
Lives: 2

Metal: Simon leaps down, but gets screwball'd out of the way. Then a crate pops up near the fin of the ship and starts... rolling down.

Mewtwo: Simon gets smacked by the crate, revealing that the crate was full of... *sighs* Pokeballs...

Metal: It's not so bad for Simon as he grabs a pokeball and smacks it into Samus.

Mewtwo: Samus runs out of range of the Meowth's Pay Day, while Simon picks up another pokeball.

Metal: But the suit wearing warrior shoots Simon with a Super Missile and he drops it.

Mewtwo: The pokeball opens up with an... Onix??

Metal: I like to have pokemon from the only good era.

Mewtwo: Normally I would disagree with you, but I have to agree here. There are just too many varieties of pokemon for anyone, even me, to keep track of anymore.

Metal: Onix only hits Samus a handful of times, before Samus grabs Simon and smacks him silly, while a capsule appears on the front of the Great Fox and a barrel on the rear.

Mewtwo: Simon retreats to the back of the ship, but it seems the Arwing back there is more interested in shooting him with lasers.

Where is my secret space station? WHY ARE YOU FLYING INTO OUTER SPACE? WHY? WHY? WHYYYY? -Robotnik
Lives: 2
Lives: 2

Metal: And doesn't that beat all, Simon has picked up the barrel, only to drop it due to Samus shooting him with a power beam!

Mewtwo: Simon tries to escape...

Metal: It's about as good as the paychecks I used to give out to the Questers.

Mewtwo: You mean he just lost a life.

Metal: Of course!

Mewtwo: You and your confusing references no one will ever get...

Metal: Hey! You ARE a reference yourself!

Mewtwo: Reference this. *Smashes Metal into the booth's window, then hurls a crate onto the stage*

Metal: Ow! I'm going to get you for th--did I just see a beam sword trio appear onstage?

Mewtwo: Samus grabs one. Simon jumps down and picks up one, too.

Metal: Samus throws it at Simon and misses!

Mewtwo: Simon hits with a slash of his beam saber.

Metal: But now Samus has rolled behind him and... OOGH!

Mewtwo: Yes. Samus just smashed him in the back with an explosion.

What the? Is this picking up radio messages or something? -Mash Toady
Lives: 2
Lives: 1

Metal: Simon gets up and picks up the last beam sword as a barrel appears behind him and rolls down towards him!

Mewtwo: I sense unusual thoughts from Simon.

Metal: Like that matters. Samus runs up and goes to finish him with a rocket to the face--

Mewtwo: But Simon leaps up and she shoots the crate, triggering... several Nova Bombs and a shell.

Metal: OW. That's got to hurt. Or at least, burn a little.

Mewtwo: No more than your bad jokes do.

Metal: ...

Mewtwo: While Metal contemplates how bad he is at making jokes, Samus goes flying from a thrown ax from Simon.

Metal: Some day, Mewtwo. Some day I'll show you the true meaning of pun pain!

Mewtwo: Maybe when you figure out how not to destroy your own Stadium every Season.

Metal: Bah! You don't know the true power of DiscoFunkageddon!

Mewtwo: All I know is Samus has revived and is now punching Simon silly.

Metal: There goes Simon, onto an Arwing. He's picking up a Franklin badge.

Mewtwo: Samus just fired a huge charge shot at him!

Metal: The funky Chargeken flies at him...

Mewtwo: ...But the Arwing flew into the sky... and knocked out Simon.

Metal: Well, that was anticlimactic.

Mewtwo: That's what happens when you turn items on so high and use a chaotic stage.

Metal: Hmph! I'd like to see YOU do better!

Mewtwo: Maybe I can. I'm not as chaotic stupid as you are.

Mash Toady: Can we end the match already?

Metal & Mewtwo: NO!

Mash Toady: Oy...



Metal: You interview the loser!

Mewtwo: I'm afraid that's your job, loser.

Metal: I won! Dontcha know?

Mewtwo: I know that you can't teleport like me. *Warps*

Metal: Dah! Curse you, talking cat! Whatever. *Walks over to the loser's corner, looking at Simon*

Simon: Stupid Arwing, they didn't have flying platforms like that in Dracula's castle...

Metal: Why don't you have a huge head of platinum blonde hair, Simy?

Simon: What?

Metal: And why do we have to do a game named after you? What if I want to call it Metal Says? Do I have to fight you for the privilege?

Simon: Is this an interview or a joke? I have to kill Dracula again in a few hours, and I can't waste my time talking to a suit of armor with a crazy person inside it.

Metal: Is that your FINAL answer?

Simon: ... *Walks away slowly*

*Mewtwo warps in to the Winner's corner*

Mewtwo: What is it like winning the first match of this tournament, Samus?

Samus: It's a bit strange, given no one actually announced it was a tournament to begin with.

Mewtwo: ...That Metallic Moron must have made another mistake...

Samus: Who are you, anyway? I thought that maniac would interview me first. Something about how he keeps calling me 'muffin'... *Charges energy beam*

Mewtwo: I am Mewtwo. The one from Nintendus. Not the other one. And do not worry about that. I already put up the barrier to keep stupid people out around us.

*Camera pans to show Metal punching a purple force field*

Metal: Hey! Lemme in!

Mewtwo: ...You'll thank me later.

Samus: Right. I have to go now, but it's been... interesting to talk to you.

*Samus walks away*

Metal: My horrible jokes! RUINED! You'll pay for this, space cat!

Mewtwo: *Rolls his eyes and drops the field, causing Metal to fall on his face and break his visor*

Metal: Gah! Ow! Argh!

Mewtwo: At least this match is over. Only... too many more to go. *Floats off slowly*

*Esco walks by Rainbow Dash, in a nearby hallway*

Rainbow Dash: Oh, hey Esco! Where have you been?

Esco: . . .

Rainbow Dash: ...what the hay? Come on man, don't leave me hangin'!

Esco: . . .

*Rainbow Dash follows Esco, trying to grab his attention*

Rainbow Dash: Dude, there's somethin' coming up in a couple hours you don't wanna miss. Kevin's been helping me practice in Ultimate Mortal Kombat 3, and we're going to have this big competitive tournament, and it's going to be-

Esco:... *keeps ignoring her and walks off*

Rainbow Dash: Sigh...what's his problem? Whatever...if I can't find out what's eating him, I'll just get Pinkie to get up in his face and yack about random junk. Right now, I've got things to do.*flies off, looking for Kevin*

*A few days earlier...*

*Ophanis Stratos's house*

Ophanis: Ah, a visitor! Come right in!

*Enter Esco*

Esco: Good evening. I take it you're the one who runs this place?

Ophanis: Indeed I am, good sir. Come sit down, make yourself at home.

Esco: Thank you. *Sinks into a chair at a table in the center of the room*

Ophanis: I have not seen your kind in these parts. So tell me, are you from around here?

Esco: Not exactly. You see, I had just joined the Stadium when-

Ophanis: Wait a second, you look familiar to me... You're Escomanivero Deisedarah from the SSS, am I correct?

Esco: Right.

Ophanis: Ah! Have you seen the Seraphis lately? He seems to have disappeared.

Esco: Actually, I did. In fact, that's why I'm here.

Ophanis: Oh wonderful! For a moment I thought something had happen-

Esco: No, it's NOT wonderful. Listen, before I go into detail, I have just one question to ask.

Ophanis: ... Go on.

Esco: The Seraphis mentioned something about a great war between Leukos and Dragons that occurred hundreds of years ago. Initially I was skeptical of his story, because he seemed to live in his own fantasy realm, but the more I thought about it, the more I had to know... Did such an event actually happen?

Ophanis: I was just a young boy. It all happened so fast... One moment, we were living a life of peace and happiness, but the next... a wave of complete chaos and destruction swept over our lands. The Seraphis and I helped each other to escape from certain death, only to be left with nothing. The two of us continued to work together, pledging to vanquish the evil that plagued our country.

Esco: It was true after all... So what happened? Why does he persist, while you do not?

Ophanis: A few hundred years ago, the War of Revanda ended. We had destroyed so many of them that they no longer desired to fight us, for fear that their power would decline. I took this newfound solace as a means to be able to live out the rest of my life in perfect isolation. However, Seraphis was unsatisfied, as he wanted to purge the world of all demons. I no longer wanted to fight, so we parted ways. Why live a life of hatred if there is no longer a reason to hate?

Esco: There IS a reason to hate. The light beings are planning a final attack; one that aims to destroy all of the Leukos. Seraphis mentioned that the entire city could be destroyed in the mayhem.

Ophanis: ... Oh God. I must contact the Seraphis immediately! Tell me, where did you last see him!?

Esco: You're too late. He fought an impossible battle. *Gets up and heads for the door, turning around just before he exits* I'm sorry. *Leaves*

Ophanis: ... My Seraphis... What have I done!? *Collapses to the floor and breaks down crying*

*Esco stops walking and enters his room silently*