March #33: Samus vs. Mewtwo

Fighters for Final Destination: Samus, Mewtwo.
Lives: 2
Items: Very High, Explosives

*Metal's office, 3 AM*

*Metal Man is tinkering with the safe, when he busts it open finally*

Metal: Hah! In your face, Esco!

*He takes out a small scrap of paper*

Metal: Bah! Just a worthless photo! *Hurls safe out a window*

Metal: Now, what was it I'm supposed to do again...

*Metal would look across the room. The gaudy gold floors and marble walls shined hideously under the art deco lights he had installed. The headache-enducing array was topped with his repeatedly busted oak desk, which was covered in unaddressed paperwork, advertisements, receipts, and spent gun and laser cartridges. Metal would shrug and shove all the stuff onto the floor.*

Metal: About time I did garbage day anyway.

*Metal would take out his golf club, then flip a switch that said 'ATTACK', causing it to burst into flames. He'd then set the garbage on fire, and turn out the lights, using the garbage to provide more pleasing light to the room. He'd then look at the sole important piece of paper--he'd duck taped it to the desk. It noted he was due to do a match... yesterday.*

Metal: Oops. Haha. Better go and do that one sometime!

*Metal sets his time device, and warps... to yesterday.*

*10/2/2012 8:53:48 AM: Early morning at the Stadium, an obnoxiously grating sound rattles through the labyrinth of passageways. After numerous complaints, Pat goes to investigate.*

Pat: Argh, I feel like my brain's going to start leaking out of my ears! What is going on?

*Pat finds Esco, struggling with a large containment pod, pushing it along the floor with every utterance of another obscenity under his breath*

Esco: Damn... AAAAing... pod... just... AAAAing... move, damnit! A Kazan shouldn't have to deal with this AAAA!

Pat: Err, hi Esco. What is that?

Esco: *Stops* Oh, this? I got it from Ridley's old base. This will be my meditation chamber... once I can get it back to my damn room, that is...

Pat: Do you mind keeping it down a bit? People are complaining of the noise.

Esco: Well tell them to shut up and take it like real men!

Pat: Wait, why are you dragging it along the floor like this anyway? Don't you have psychic powers?

Esco: Yeah, but this thing weighs a metric AAAA-ton. There's no way I'll be able to lift it. See? *Uses his telekinesis to effortlessly lift up the pod*


Pat: Well, that works. I'll see you later. *Leaves*

Esco: . . .

*A terrifyingly loud roar of anger echoes through the halls of the Stadium.*

*Metal walks into his office, which is empty.*

Metal: Hm, that's right, I was off on, er, errands somewhere else this day. Originally, anyway.

*The room is completely silent. The junk is still on Metal's desk in this time. Metal shoves it onto the floor and burns it all the same.*

Metal: All right... now what... oh... right. The match.

*Metal picks up the paper. It says 'Samus vs. Mewtwo.' He records it to his suit's memory, then burns it.*

Metal: Right, I have a match to do, between two perfectly cool people. But now I have a problem... I have no co-commentator. Right, Smash Dex?

Smash Dex: Affirmative.

Metal: Now what am I going to use as a co-commentator. Hm. How about SIMBER?

Smash Dex: You killed him in a giant explosion. If you brought him back it would be much like someone else who did the same thing to their robotic arch-nemesis.

Metal: A tearful, happy reunion?

Smash Dex: A giant pitfall.

Metal: Nevermind! Next up on the list... Garrick!

Smash Dex: He's allied with your arch-nemesis... yourself.

Metal: Dammit! Uh... Deloth?

Smash Dex: Reports indicate he was so disgusted by the previous series of events last season that he isn't even able to stomach coming to this realm to kill you anymore.

Metal: Dragoshi?

Smash Dex: He isn't even called that anymore and also is employed by your arch-nemesis.

Metal: Why is my Arch-nemesis so big all of a sudden?

Smash Dex: It appears he took umbrage with all those times you claimed to be the only Metal Man and then did horrible atrocities that were then mistaken to be his.

Metal: Oh, that's right! Well... uhhh... I can do the match with him commentating!

Smash Dex: He wants you dead. He technically only hasn't come here because as much as he hates you, he recognizes that there being order here is a small amount of good in the universe. But--

Metal: No! No buts! It's either him or that smelly Kevin Kid, or Pat, who just repeats everything I say!

*Pat has been eavesdropping behind the door*

Pat: *Sniff* I never get any respect, even from the only other person who still hails loyalty to VG! *Runs off crying*

Metal: And Digi, he's on a Digi-break! So I can't use him either, no matter how many instances of "Whose Line" I start playing over the Stadium PA! Drew Carey is powerless, I'm telling ya!

Smash Dex: This is still a horrible idea.

Metal: Horrible idea, huh? Well, it was either that or clone myself.

Smash Dex: Nevermind, the horrible idea is much better than that horrible idea.

Metal: Of course my archnemesis IS myself...

Smash Dex: No he isn't.

Metal: You'll see! You'll all see! All of you!

Smash Dex: I'm not even a person.

Metal: Bah! Someone get me my scene transition! I'm tired of this!

Super Smash Stadium, 1 PM

My name is Kevin. Today was just another day at the Stadium. I heard some commotion from down the hall and went to see what was-

Metal: Hey! Shut up! This is my show!

I didn't understand how Metal's voice had somehow gotten into my head. To be honest, it kind of frightened me.

*Kevin and Metal are strangely staring at one another, silently*

Light Bear: So... you think Metal's going to actually do that match, Pinkie?

Pinkie Pie: I'm pretty sure he is! It's just that something strange happened when Kevin entered the room!

Quit it, Metal! This is supposed to be MY fourth wall exposition! Anyway, I was very confused. What could a cyborg freak like him be doing in here anyway?

Metal: You're talking to the KING of fourth wall shattering! I dethroned even The Void! Then there was that time I broke out of it and took over NC! And then...

Light Bear: This reminds me of... of....

*Light Bear stares in fear, then runs away*

Pinkie Pie: Wait up, Light Bear! What's wrong?

*Pinkie Pie runs after Light Bear. Kevin and Metal continue staring at eachother like possessed dead people.*

So today, I learned that a cyborg can somehow talk to my mind... without even being psychic... or having any reason to know what I was thinking.

Metal: All right, I'll level with you. On some level I'm not even what I appear to be, but rather a writer, a very... very cosmic writer... I write things! Like you! And when I see people like you break the 4th wall, then, well, so do I! So. Don't break the wall when I'm in a scene with you... or I'll just break it even worse!

Uh... fine.

Kevin: ...Did you really have to do that?

Metal: No! I just felt like it. Now scram! I have a match to do!

*Kevin looks perplexed*

Kevin: B-but you have no co-commentator!

Metal: Sure I do! Myself!

Kevin: That's not a co-commentator!

Metal: Watch and learn, kid! You think Esco is the only one who can do tricks? Well I'm sneakier than a thousand ninja-zombie-vampires strapped to the underside of a bridge!

Kevin: ...

*Metal stumbles into the booth, drunkenly.*

Metal: Today, begins the final match of the first tournament of the new Stadium!

*The Crowd cheers*

Metal: Today I have brought with me a metric ton of explosives... and my co-commentator, Illian MacGregor!

*Crowd is confused, as a second Metal Man, only with an orange cape and shinier armor, floats into the booth on rocket-shoes*

Illian: *Stares at Metal soullessly behind his opaque helmet* Yes. There is a match today, and in the interest of studying you before I destroy you in an honorable duel, I shall commentate on this match.

Metal: Illian MacGregor, everybody!

*Muffled claps*

Illian: Don't worry, I won't rain on this parade. I have other things to deal with. *Clears throat* This match is between Samus and Mewtwo, two optimal combatants. Much like Xavier and myself.

Metal: Ix-nay on the Avier-Zay.

Illian: Pft. Afraid to reveal your true colors, Xavier?

Metal: Ye--no! Anyway... for today's battle, we're using Final Destination, the most boring stage in existence. Esco would be proud!

Illian: It's the fairest option, anyway. Although I see that you have a lot of explosives set up for this match. Is that also fair?

Metal: Sure it is!

Pat: Oh no! We're all going to die! Metal is commentating on the final match of a tournament and has explosives!

Kevin: Calm down, Pat. It can't possibly be that bad.

Metal: And we'll have a monstrous fireworks display to celebrate the winner, courtesy of Grunty's Bombworks!

Kevin: ...Okay, maybe I see what you mean.

Pat: We have to go hide in the bomb shelter! Before it's too late!

Kevin: What about Rainbow Dash and--

Pat: There's not enough time! I can go on an epic quest to revive them if we have to. But now, we have to get to cover!

Kevin: Fine...

*The two run down the steps*

Illian: With that done, we begin the match.

Metal: Five four three two one EXTREME SMASHING TIME!

Illian: Mewtwo busts out of a tube on the right.

Metal: That's nothing! Samus... WALKS IN using a tube instead!

Illian: Mewtwo throws shadow balls.

Metal: Samus fires power beam shots!

Illian: Samus fires a super missile.

Metal: Mewtwo confuses it and sends it harmlessly into the sky!

Illian: The two get closer. Mewtwo smacks Samus with his tail!

Metal: A crate appears on the left side of the stage... Samus punches Mewtwo backwards and runs for it.

Illian: Mewtwo leaps up into the air as Samus grabs the crate.

Metal: But Samus is hit by Mewtwo and drops the crate!

Illian: Three bombs land on the stage.

Metal: Muffin, er, Samus picks up a bomb!

Illian: Mewtwo picks up Samus instead.

Metal: Samus is thrown off the stage like a lump of corn!

Illian: Mewtwo hurls the remaining two bombs at her.

Metal: But as a capsule appears in the middle of the stage, Samus throws her Bob-omb into the other two bombs, and they all explode like Kevin and the fourth wall did earlier!

Illian: *Grumbles about 'breaking the 4th wall is against regulations'*

Metal: Mewtwo picks up the capsule and opens it by throwing it into the ground.

Illian: It explodes, knocking him into the air.

Metal: Crazy Samus is back on the stage and ready for blood!

There is nothing to fear except a lack of Bowser's frightful Halloween decorations!
Lives: 2
Lives: 2

*Pat and Kevin are in the basement. It's so dark they're shrouded in shadow.*

Pat: Whew. We're finally safe.

Kevin: Are you sure? I mean... Metal Managed to somehow talk to me through the boundaries of reality itself. A bunch of concrete--

Pat: Shhhhh! You don't know him like I do! He only can mess with you if you invoke his name!

Kevin: Ohhhh. *Facepalms* No wonder! I was about to say, I had no clue what mphph--

Pat: *Holding his hand over Kevin's mouth* Shhh! We already have Mash Toady's camera on us, he might be watching.

Kevin: Right. So... now what do we do?

Pat: Hope the Stadium doesn't explode.

Kevin: Mind if I turn on the lights?

Pat: Of course not. I'm getting tired of this darkness anyway.

*Kevin turns on the light switch. It reveals a half-dragon with a stick of bread and a grizzled looking almost-Snake holding a huge pistol.*

Pat: Turn it off! Turn it off!

Garrick: Oh, for AAAAs sake. I'm not here for you AAAAAAAs.

Valron: Sheesh. You'd think they'd realize, we're only here to make sure Illian doesn't get blown up by a looper or something.

Kevin: Wait a minute, Pat. Maybe they aren't out to kill us.

Pat: No! They're going to kill us! *Turns light off and runs away* I TOOK YURIE'S SWORD FAIR AND SQUAAAAREEEEE *SLAM*

Kevin: ...So. You guys go on adventures?

Garrick: You could say that.

Illian: ...And now Mewtwo has picked up a Super scope.

Metal: He's shooting it, but Samus has just leaped over it and Screw attacked him, making him drop it.

Illian: Mewtwo spins in the air and knocks Samus into the stage.

Metal: Three motion sensor bombs are freed as Mewtwo down-smacks open a barrel.

Illian: Mewtwo throws all three at Samus. Only one manages to bounce off of her and activate.

Metal: The other two fly off the stage like my sanity on a bad phazon bender!

Illian: Samus picks up the Super Scope and fires at Mewtwo, but Mewtwo ducks under the side of the stage on the right.

Metal: Samus comes after him, but Mewtwo leaps up and smacks her mid-air with an electric shock!

Illian: Samus is knocked off the stage and goes to grab it with her grapple beam.

Metal: Mewtwo hurls a recently-appeared bob-omb into her! BOOM! Headshot!

Illian Insurance: Going back in time to set you back before disaster happened.
Lives: 1
Lives: 2

Illian: Mewtwo is in the lead as Samus returns, trying to burn him mid-air.

Metal: But that's as accurate as my insane attacks as it misses entirely!

Illian: Mewtwo grabs and throws her into the ground, then fires many Shadow Balls at her, blowing her up.

Metal: She gets up and launches a missile into his face, then a recently-appearing crate is also thrown into Mewtwo.

Illian: It appears the explosives have come into play as the Bob-ombs and a Nova Bomb all detonated at once--catching both fighters in the crossfire.

Metal: Not to mention that Firecracker cannon on the left side that anyone can grab...

Illian: The two mental warriors land on opposite sides. Samus picks up the cannon...

Metal: Mewtwo confuses one of the projectiles away, but the other one nails him!

Stadium dogs: No longer the most deadly substance on the planet!
Lives: 1
Lives: 1

Illian: Mewtwo returns.

Metal: That's a movie about him, not what he did!

Illian: But it's quite clear he just leaped down. As a series of capsules have shown up.

Metal: Samus throws one at him, it's a dud. Then she jumps over the old motion sensor bomb.

Illian: Samus runs towards Mewtwo.

Metal: Mewtwo leaps up and moves to the left side of the stage.

Illian: Samus has decided to fire several missiles.

Metal: Mewtwo backs away, moving to the side of the stage!

Illian: And now Samus is running after him...

Metal: Samus, once again, avoids the mine. That's my mine, after all!

Illian: It is?

Metal: I chose the mines to be in this fight!

Illian: Hmph. Doesn't seem fair.

Metal: Neither are you!

*An explosion occurs while they're distracted*

Metal: Wait, what just happened?

Illian: I don't know.

Metal: Let me see... WHAT?

*Both combatants are KO'd*

Metal: Let me see the replay!

*Replay shows a Bob-omb spawning in the cameraman's face and blowing up the video*

Illian: See? What did I tell you? Bombs are not the fairest things in the w--

Metal: Nonsense! It's time for SUPER SUDDEN DEATH!

Grunty's Goblin Gobblin' Explosion Makers: Because you're tired of merely "Going to Bakers" for your holiday firecrackers.
Lives: 1
Lives: 1

Illian: ...Uuuuugh. *Facepalms*

Metal: Both fighters appear and begin trying to hit one another with projectiles!

Illian: ...But they're dodging furiously, because, well, you know what happens next!

Metal: Shhh! Don't spoil it!

*It starts raining Bob-ombs*

Illian: So much for this being a test of fighting ability.

Metal: Look! The bombs just barely missed Mewtwo and--


Metal: Samus just exploded--


Illian: So did Mewtwo...


Metal: And so did the cameraman, again!

Illian: Wait, I think I saw it... yes I did!

Metal: What did you see?

*Illian takes out his suit's extension plug and plays back a hologram on the screen--Samus flies off the stage moments before Mewtwo*

Illian: So the winner is...

Metal: Mewtwo, by a giant explosion! Behold, the ultimate proof of his fighting skill!

*Metal replays the explosion*

*Audience makes a mixed reaction of boos and cheers*

Illian: ...

Kevin: So... you really did all of that?

Garrick: It was a AAAAing mess, but we did all right.

Kevin: Wow... no wonder you're so crazy!

Garrick: Hey, I'm not the AAAAer who exploded a planet full of holographic children.

Kevin: Er, sorry. I just didn't realize you guys did so much stuff.

Valron: Yup. *Looks at watch* That match is over, let's go get the boss.

Garrick: He's your boss, I just do whatever is right.

Valron: Well, I doubt you want to stay here. Xavier's probably up to no good, yet again. And you know what that means.

Garrick: *Sighs* AAAAing Yellow Submarine...

*The two go to leave.*

Kevin: Wait! You never told me! If your leader has been fighting Xavier all this time, why haven't you just blown up this Stadium? Why did you talk to me instead of going crazy like Seraphis' men?

Valron: We aren't a bunch of loopers like them.

Garrick: I have better AAAAing things to do than blow up some second-rate Stadium just because AAAAing METAL is running it...

Kevin: I see...

*They exit, leaving Kevin newly puzzled, and perhaps ambivalent about the Stadium's current leader.*

Metal: Well, that was a fine match. I think it's time to interview the winners and losers!

Illian: Fine? That was a travesty on so many levels I don't even have the words to fully put justice to it.

Metal: Well, you're always unhappy. I just wanted you to commentate, and you did. So... you can go leave now, right?

Illian: Not so fast.

Metal: *Nervously tugs at collar* But... didn't you say...

Illian: I'm not going to try and kill you in front of a Stadium audience during the finale of a tournament. That's so cliche Evil Wolfman himself would pop up and shake my hand for perpetrating such a crime against audience sanity.

Metal: Well, that's one way to put it, but then--

Illian: I'm just going to borrow THIS for a moment.

*Illian takes the mike and after a short feedback noise, speaks*

Illian: People of the Stadium! Your Stadium is run by a fraud, a cheat! This man stole my appearance and name after I saved him from certain death at the hands of the Time Cops! Continue by all means to go to his miserably run Stadium, but in case you should ever want a competent administrator, consider the REAL Man of Steel--me, Illian MacGregor!

*The Audience makes scattered clapping, confused at what is going on*

Metal: Hey, hey, HEY! Get your filthy logical non-organic hands off of that!

Illian: *Holds mike just out of Metal's reach* Also let it be known that I am the only one allowed to kill this person! He very specifically ruined my reputation and life! I WILL VIOLENTLY KILL THE NEXT PERSON WHO ISN'T Garrick TO SUCCEED IN KILLING HIM!

*Audience begins leaving, the match being over and Illian sounding like a crazy man*

Metal: You really should let go of that! You can't be telling them every--

Illian: And another thing! If any one of you should value protecting the sanity of the universe over destroying it, feel free to apply to my team, the Protectors--unlike the Questers, they actually SAVE the universe!

Metal: Now you're making me want to kill you right now, you--

Illian: *Sly grin* Don't worry. You aren't entirely harmed by this. *Drops the microphone, making a loud noise on the PA* I will take this in place of that pay you promised me, because your money is most likely evil, stolen, cursed by demons, cursed by Demonhimself, or perhaps otherwise against my religion.

Metal: ...*gestures hopelessly at the air* You... you... gah! Just go!

*Valron and Garrick walk in*

Valron: Nice work there, boss.

Garrick: I'd have AAAAing blown his brains out instead.

Illian: Don't worry. We can do that somewhere where he isn't protected by the plot itself.

Valron: The what?

Illian: ...Better off that you don't know what it is, only high level people like me and Time Cops are supposed to know anyway.

Metal: Hey! That's Dragoshi, not Valron!

Valron: *Stares at Metal coldly* No, Metal. I am Valron now.

Metal: What are you doing to my former Questers, Illy? You're turning them into monsters or something! Next thing you'll say is that Gibby is--

Illian: On my side?

*Gibby walks in, eating a chunk of ham*

Gibby: Mmmph. Sorry I took so long. I just saw... too many buttons in the cafeteria. *Drools*

Illian: I'm ten steps ahead of you, Metal. Because you are, ultimately, my fake. I know how you think. Strange, isn't it?

Metal: Now that's just going too far! Stop quoting horrible things like that at me! Only I get to do that!

Illian: Whatever you say.

*Illian goes to leave, followed by the other Questers. They all (except for Garrick) wear new badges with a P on it), and vanish into the portal.*

Metal: Gaaaaah! Those people are worse than Sloan! I'm going to have to find a new co-commentator, and fast! My evil clone is a danger to all things chaotic and insane!

*Metal gets up, then casually walks through a wall, leaving for his room.*

Samus: Wasn't someone going to interview us?

Mewtwo: You know, I thought the same thing... but I detect a great disturbance in the force.

Samus: The what?

Mewtwo: The Functional Ontological Recreational Creativity Energy.

Samus: My systems have no data on that. *Points at Mewtwo* What I'd actually want is a FAIR battle, not run by maniacs who fill the entire battlefield with bombs!

Mewtwo: Perhaps we can. But it can't be in this Stadium. It's run by maniacs.

Samus: I've heard of this other Stadium...

Mewtwo: Hm. I'd normally ask you to tell me about it, but I already read your mind. Very well. We shall fight a fair match there.

Samus: Agreed. Let's get out of here before their no-good leader decides to remember to interview us.

*Both walk away from the hallway outside the commentary booth*

*Esco's room. The ninja stands back, admiring his handiwork.*

Esco: Finally, my meditation chamber is complete. Now I can-

*Someone begins knocking on the door*

Esco: Of course someone shows up. I bet it's Yesman again...

*Esco, annoyed, walks up to the door and opens it*

Esco: What do you want, Yesm-

*Before him stands a hulking figure, shrouded in tattered scraps of cloth. His mask covers his entire face, save for a narrow slit where his intense eyes shine through, staring into Esco's soul*


Esco: ... Master Kazan?!