March #35: Link vs. Pit

Fighters for Battlefield: Link, Pit.
Lives: 2
Items: Off

(The break room. Light Bear is reclining on a sofa by himself, reading a book by himself. In the silence, the stick figure is turning the pages of his text. After a little bit, Pinkie Pie wanders in)

Pinkie Pie: Hey, professor!

Light Bear: That's Light Bear.

Pinkie Pie: Sorry... hey, you're reading a book?

Light Bear: Certainly. One must pass the time from time to time.

Pinkie Pie: Well, sure, but... isn't it a little... um...?

Light Bear: Hmm?

Pinkie Pie: You know... you came from a book, and... seems like it might be-

Light Bear: An out-of-body experience?

Pinkie Pie: Well, I'm not sayin' the book is your body, but... something like that!

Light Bear: *chuckles* Pinkie Pie, I have enough neuroses about pencils, pens, and looseleaf. I'm not worried about reading a book, especially seeing as I did that back in Placeton.

Pinkie Pie: Okie dokie...

Light Bear: I'm feeling a bit less dramatic today, so I suppose I owe you some more of my story.

Pinkie Pie: Yay! ...but, wait, wouldn't that be more dramatic? I mean, telling a story is a fairly dramatic experience, and-

Light Bear: Do you want me to tell you, or not?

Pinkie Pie: Sorry sir!

Light Bear: Now, where did I leave...? Oh, the Time of Uncertainty. This is kinda difficult for me to put to words.

(Light Bear furrows his brow, thinking)

Light Bear: *slowly, as if sounding out the words* Have you ever had a day where you wake up and have no idea what to do with yourself?

Pinkie Pie: Gee... well, I've certainly had my share of off days... I guess I kinda understand.

Light Bear: It's... eugh... something like that...?

(Light Bear crosses his arms, mildly frustrated)

Light Bear: Well, it's like... you get up in the morning, and, you can't get yourself motivated to do anything. Only, it's not because you're feeling lazy, or something like that. It's, you feel completely empty inside. Something like that. You ever get that?

Pinkie Pie: I guess I haven't had it that bad... usually I'm just really sad about something... but, I totally get what you're saying!

Light Bear: Heh... Well, picture that, except everyone you know suddenly gets it at once.

Pinkie Pie: THAT'S what you mean by Time of Uncertainty?!

Light Bear: Yeah... it took us a while to actually figure out that that was the case, but the best we could figure was that one morning everyone in the entire town of Placeton, and everyone they knew, and pretty much anyone at all connected with Placeton, or Nick McStick, had lost all motivation to do anything with their life.

(Light Bear sits up and puts his book aside, perhaps so as to give him room to gesticulate while he speaks)

Light Bear: It's not like anyone was suicidal, or anything like that... the concept of death in Placeton... well, it exists, but it's not exactly common... um...

(Light Bear trails off)

Light Bear: ...well, the point is, yes. There came a time when everything in our world came to a complete and utter stop, figuratively speaking. We called it the "Time of Uncertainty" because we suddenly felt as though we were left without a sense of direction, like a traveler on a long journey who suddenly lost their map.

Pinkie Pie: That's terrible! What did you do?

Light Bear: Nothing, at first. Like I said, it took everyone a bit to realize that it wasn't just something they were going through by themself, but rather that it was a world-wide apathetic pandemic. When we finally came to this realization, the city council of Placeton, and all those other cities, came together and tried to hold a meeting.

Pinkie Pie: How did that go?

Light Bear: As I said, they "tried" to hold a meeting. As the council members were also afflicted with this emotional malaise, the best they could really figure was sending Nick McStick and his buddies off to see if they could "find something."

Pinkie Pie: Like what?

Light Bear: I really don't think they knew, either. Best I can figure is that they were defaulting on what they always did: ask Nick to go on some adventure to solve some local problem.

(Light Bear starts chuckling)

Light Bear: The funny thing is, they succeeded.

Pinkie Pie: Whaaaaa?!?

Light Bear: Yeah, sometime later the kids returned to town with news of some strange message they discovered that bore mysterious instructions they didn't understand...

Pinkie Pie: What were on these instructions?

Light Bear: I would eventually discover that these were plot lines jotted down by our Animator to use at a future date, but at the time we didn't know that. Since our society lacked the original thought required to do much of anything else, we decided to follow these instructions.

(Light Bear turns, suddenly distant)

Light Bear: This resulted in my becoming the mayor of Placeton.

Pinkie Pie: Oh, so that's how that happened!

Light Bear: ...beg pardon?

Pinkie Pie: I head that you were a mayor before, but I never knew the full story behind it! That's the story, eh?

Light Bear: I, um... well, there's more... Ugh...

Pinkie Pie: ...What's wrong? I thought you had fond memories of being a mayor!

Light Bear: Nnnno. Pinkie, the truth is, I made for a terrible, terrible mayor. I was, in the comics, the batty old man who was brilliant enough to make inventions but too incompetent to chaperone a field trip, let alone run a city-state. As nice as everyone was about it, I was gradually running the city into the ground.

Pinkie Pie: Oh... I'm so sorry.

Light Bear: That's when I... I...

Pinkie Pie: Prof- Light Bear, if this is too hard for you, we can just continue your story another day... is that okay?

Light Bear: Y...yeah, I'd appreciate that... thank you.

(Pinkie Pie sadly leaves the room. Light Bear shamefully rests his head in his palm as silence overtakes the rest chamber)

Rainbow Dash: *Knocking on a door with the loud sound of a whistle coming from within* Hey Yesman? You've got a match in an hour!

Yesman: *Opens the door as steam rolls out of his room. His clothes are cover from head mask to toe in some sort of purple dye.* I know.... Why?

Rainbow Dash: Well Twi told me to tell you because you always forget... What are you doing in there?

Yesman: *Closes his door behind him* Pre-Match rituals.

Rainbow Dash: Ah... Well... Don't be late for the match. Catcha' later! *Speeds off*

Yesman: What an odd pony. *Reenters his room, which is now emitting green and purple smoke*

Yesman: Hey guys! Welcome to another bout. I'm Yesman, and I'll be talking over this match tonight, along with my co-commentator. So, what is your name, co-commentator?

Meta Knight: Meta Knight, leader of the Meta-Knights.

Yesman: Right on. Tell me about yourself. What is your quest?

Meta Knight: To triumph or aid in the triumph over any and all political leaders that I deem unfit for their positions.

Yesman: Sweet! Also what is your favorite color?

Meta Knight: .... Yellow.

Yesman: That is amazing. So you ready to get this started?

Meta Knight: As ready as I'll ever be.

Yesman: Alrighty then. Today's match will be between Link and Pit. A brawl between the chosen heroes! It'll be two stock, and items will be OFF!

Meta Knight: Well that is boring.

Yesman: Yes. Yes it is.... The duel will be held at Battlefield. Fighters, please make your way to the field.

Meta Knight: Link appears in a whirlwind on the left platform.

Yesman: And Pit descends from above, landing on the right platform.

Meta Knight: Shall we begin?

Yesman: Sure. 1, 2, 5, GO!!

Yesman: Both of them start things off by charging toward the center.

Meta Knight: Link is the first to strike, knocking Pit to the left.

Yesman: Pit quickly retaliates however by shooting and arrow and jumping back toward Link.

Meta Knight: They are both fighting rather furiously, trading hits with on another.

Yesman: Pit finally breaks it up by grabbing Link, and slamming him onto the ground.

Meta Knight: Link tries to get up and roll away, but Pit is quick, and smashes him to the right.

Yesman: They're already taking on quite a bit of damage. Link lands on the right edge, and uses his chain to grab Pit.

Meta Knight: Link mercilessly beats Pit, and then throws him upward.

Yesman: He follows up by jumping and using a spin attack, but Pit air dodges and falls onto the top platform.

Meta Knight: Link also falls toward the platform, but is knocked upward again by Pit's upward smash attack.

DK's guide to potention Halloween fruit: banana (good), orange (dangerously explosive), apple (*confused grunt noises*)
Lives: 2
Lives: 2

Yesman: Link is almost knocked out of the kill boundary, but comes just short.

Meta Knight: Link is falling directly toward Pit again, who begins charging an upward smash attack again.

Yesman: Oooh! Link uses a downward sword attack however, and Pit is knocked to the left.

Meta Knight: Pit gets up and shoots an arrow toward Link, who simply rolls underneath it.

Yesman: Pit takes this moment to jump up, and use his dual blade to attack Link.

Meta Knight: Link drops down to the main platform, and is followed by Pit.

Yesman: Link begins running toward Pit, but TRIPS! Hahaha. Pit smashes Link, who is KO'd.

Meta Knight: That's just sad.

Merry Christmas! Oh, wait, it isn't that time of year yet? Well I was just there. It'll be even more fun when it happens for the rest of you. -Metal
Lives: 2
Lives: 1

Yesman: Pit taunts as Link respawns. Link is quick to take this opportunity to grab Pit, and once again beat him before throwing him to the left.

Meta Knight: Pit gets up and does a spiral attack on Link, who doesn't seem phased by it. Link backs up abit, and used his chain to grab Pit.

Yesman: Link throws Pit to the right, and Pit almost hits the boundary, but easily recovers with his wings.... Dumb wings.

Meta Knight: Wings are completely legal, and very useful in battle! Pit rolls behind Link, and smashes Link away.

Yesman: Sorry! Geez... Link gets up shoots two arrows toward Pit, who rolls around them.

Meta Knight: Link then slices at Pit with his sword.

Yesman: Pit is hit, and in retaliation, turns around and tries to hit Link with his bow.

Meta Knight: Link is quick however and smashes Pit upward.

Yesman: Aaaaaand KO!!!

Mario and Sonic would like to remind everybody that the last time they seriously were enemies, Vanilla Ice was a thing.
Lives: 1
Lives: 1

Yesman: Link waits patiently as Pit returns. Pit jumps off of his recovery platform, and assaults Link with a barrage of attacks.

Meta Knight: He ends it with a smash to the right, and taunts afterward.

Yesman: Link recovers and comes after Pit mid-taunt. Link does a quick stab, and follows up with a jump attack.

Meta Knight: Link then draws an arrow, and shoots Pit. Pit is actually hit by it.

Yesman: Pit is quick to retaliate with an arrow of his own, and charges toward Link.

Meta Knight: Link and Pit began clashing, there swords hitting one another. Finally they end up in a duel, with Link pushing his sword, and Pit pushing with his bow.

Yesman: It looks like link is going to win! Wait... Oooh. Pit just kicked Link, who flinches backward, which gives Pit just enough time... Smash... KO!

Tired of all the wackiness? Just want to see people beat the tar out of one another? Get Stadium Reruns, by Lakitu! No more annoying stories--just the beatdowns. Julian approved!
Lives: 1


The winner is PIT!!

Yesman: Whelp there you go. I guess I'm going to go take a nap now.

*Enter Esco*

Esco: Hello, one and all! Is it match time yet? I can't wait until-

Yesman: Esco... The match ended just now.

Esco: What, really? I... *Suddenly becomes surprised*

Yesman: Huh? What now?

Esco: Sai... is that really you? Damn, it's been a long time, hasn't it? *reaches out to shake Yesman's hand*

Yesman: Uhh, this is getting a little creepy.

Esco: Oh right, I forgot about your personal bubble. *Takes a couple steps back* So Fasier, have you reached enlightnement yet? I'd expect you to become fully aware with all that meditating over ten years...

Yesman: *Confused as hell* ... Huh!? Esco, what are you talking about?

Twilight: *Phases in* Yesman!

Yesman: Hey Twi. What's goin-

Twilight: Dr. Mario is outside. He says he wants you! He's threatening to destroy the stadium!

Yesman: Oh good, anything to get away from this lunatic. He thinks I'm this Sai guy or something!

Twilight: But you are a Shyguy.

Yesman: What? No, that's not what I- Oh, never mind. What's Metal doing about Dr. Mario?

Twilight: Metal says that it's not a big deal... He says it's you he wants, not him.

Yesman: Whelp... I suppose I'll go check it out..

*Yesman leaves*

*Esco turns his gaze towards Twilight*

Esco: . . .

Twilight: I... should really get going now! *Bolts it*

*Outside of the Stadium*

Yesman: *Approaching Dr. Mario, who is holding some sort of glowing blue ball* Hey Klepto. What's going on old buddy?

Dr. Mario: Don't play a-dumb Yesman! I want my Shyguy organs, or I'll blow-a up this Stadium!

Yesman: Listen... Buddy... I can get you the money!

Dr. Mario: I don't want money! I want-a Shyguy organs, or enough coins to a-compensate!

Yesman: Alright! Chill! I can get them to you! Just give me like 10 minutes! *Dashes into the Stadium*

Dr. Mario: I don't a-have time for this! You better a-hurry!

*Inside the Stadium*

Yesman: Ok there are a few people here who might have some... Let's hope they aren't in their rooms.

*At Mario's door*

Yesman: Welp here goes nothin'! *Opens the door and runs in*

Yesman: *Looks around, and sees that the coast is clear* Oh thank god... Now where does he hide those things...

*Yesman looks underneath the bed, underneath the chair cushion, inside of a desk drawer, and any other nook or cranny you could probably think of. He soon leaves the room (which is completely trashed), and does a similar thing to Peach's room, Luigi's room, Bowser's room, and Yoshi's room.*

Yesman: *Dashing toward the front door of the stadium* Well I hope this is enough. *Opens the door and heads outside*

Dr. Mario: *Spots Yesman* Did you get my coins, or a-cut out your organs?

Yesman: I got the coins. *Hands a small pile over to Dr. Mario*

Dr. Mario: *Counts them quickly* ... This is seven a-coins...

Yesman: Yes... but there is one blue one, which is worth five!

Dr. Mario: Yes. One blue a-coin and two gold. That's a-seven...

Yesman: Oh... Well I could probably get my organs to you soon! I just need to use them for several more years, then you can have them!

Dr. Mario: Too a-late Yesman! Say good bye to your a-precious organs! *Holds his gloves up, about ready to crush Yesman into a small ball with unholy energy gloves no one has seen before*

???: Stop right there!

Yesman: Oh god... Go away I have this under control!

Lanos: Put the weapon down. I have your coins right here.

Dr. Mario: They-a better be right there, or I-a smash you into tiny pieces! *Rips an entire tree out of the ground by accident after making a random flippant gesture with the energy gloves*

Lanos: That won't be necessary.

*Lanos walks up out from behind Yesman, and hands the coins to Dr. Mario, who begins counting them.*

Yesman: Wait! This guy is a joke! He doesn't even work here!

Dr. Mario: *Finishes counting* Looks like it's your a-lucky day Yesman. This is enough. *Turns toward Lanos and shakes his hand* Pleasure doing a-business with you! *Turns to Yesman* Next-a time you tell me to revive-a someone, I crush you into a meat-a-ball! *Threateningly crushes a nearby statue of Pat into a perfectly round sphere and then runs off*

Yesman: ... I had that under control! *Turns toward camera* Mash, you saw it! I had it under control!

Lanos: Good day Yesman. *Disappears into the background*

Yesman: I didn't need you! You weren't needed!

*Later in Metal Man's office*

Metal Man: So he's gone, right?

Yesman: Ya. He uh... Ran off...

Metal Man: Good! Crisis averted. If that Lanos freak kept showing up, I'd have to probably destroy him myself. After all, I'm the savior of this Stadium! Not some weird... thing.... person!

Yesman: Ya. I didn't need his help. I could have done it myself.

Metal Man: Of course you could. Now I have important business! Get out of here!

Yesman: Yes. *Gets up and leaves*

*Dr. Mario walks into the office*

Metal Man: I want my cut of those coins, Dr. Mario.

Dr. Mario: What? But I-a was the one who revived you!

Metal Man: Be that as it may, I could have just as easily told him I would deal with you. *Metallic joint noises* You wouldn't want that, would you?

Dr. Mario: I'm not afraid of-a you! *Knocks half of the office over with a freakish energy wave from his gloves*

Metal Man: *Calmly sitting there like nothing happened, speaks very... softly and smugly.* How about... Razor?

Dr. Mario: *Backs away slowly* Mama mia! It's yours! I'll-a just have to shake down Yes-man again!

*Dr. Mario tosses the coins to Metal Man*

Metal Man: No, you will not shake down Yesman. You will, however, keep your fee. The one you earned, not the absurd number of coins you charged. *Pushes a reasonable amount to Dr. Mario*

Dr. Mario: Oh. *Shrugs, accidentally ripping a vase out of the wall and smashing it out the window with his gloves* Okey dokey!

*Metal Man then leans towards Dr. Mario. The lighting darkens as he stares into Dr. Mario's eyes.*

Metal Man: And if you find Lanos skulking about where he doesn't belong... see to it he meets an "accident."

Dr. Mario: ...Anything for-a you, old-a boss-a!

*Dr. Mario walks off while Metal dusts his hands off, and loads his pockets with his ill-gotten coins*

Metal Man: Psh. Stadiums. Game Guru acted like it took rocket science to run them. No, no. It just takes a few good actual rockets to run them. *Pats an ominous looking Rocket Launcher he has under his desk, ignoring that Dr. Mario's gloves ripped up half his office.*

*Kevin walks down one of the Stadium's many passageways, when Master Kazan suddenly catches him off-guard from behind*

Kevin: GAH! *Spins around* Oh, Master Kazan!

Master Kazan: Kevin. Think I to Esco crazy very much. You?

Kevin: Sorry, what?

Master Kazan: Err... Strike Black Seal to Esco. To be he not the same. To be bad very much. Appear he to you small different?

Kevin: Something about Esco's Black Seal? I'm sorry, I don't know what you're getting at here.

Master Kazan: Tired me. Bother you more.

Kevin: Still nothing.

Master Kazan: ... SIRO!

*A small boy, probably in his mid-teens, wearing red-blue goggles and a Kazan Clan uniform, runs to Kazan's side*

Siro: Yes?

Master Kazan: *Unintelligible gibberish*

Siro: Oh, all right.

Master Kazan: *Turns his attention towards Kevin, and continues speaking nonsense*

Siro: He says that there may be something wrong with Esco. Do you recall anything about this?

Kevin: Crazy? No, he seems pretty normal to me.

*Siro and Kazan exchange dialogue*

Siro: Are you sure? Isn't there anything you can think of that seems to be different than when you first met him?

Kevin: Well, there was that one time where I had to subdue him because he was enraged, but that's fairly normal for Esco.

Siro: All right. Thank you for your time.

*Exit Kevin*

Siro: ... (He says he can't recall anything wrong.)

Master Kazan: (BullAAAA. Esco was never this full of hatred towards those lacking an evil background.)

Siro: (Well, I wouldn't know that. Esco vanished before I ever had a chance to meet him.)

Master Kazan: (I have also witnessed him talking to others as if they were Kazan Members.)

Siro: (I'm sure it's just stress. Our sudden return has brought back painful memories that he wants to forget.)

Master Kazan: (No, it's something else. That Black Seal is trying to consume him, just like it consumed all the others.)

Siro: (Don't mention that! You don't want Esco to realize that everyone's dead, do you?)

Esco: (What's that?)

Master Kazan: !!

Siro: (Oh AAAA.)