March #39: Metal's Mental Mystery

Metal: Hello, and welcome to yet another SSS match!

*Metal is in an empty room, surrounded by a bunch of boxes.*

Metal: Hm. I guess this isn't where the announcer's box is. Better go look.

*Metal would open the door, and walk down the hallway. While on his way, he'd bump into Digi.*

Digi: *Is knocked backwards* Oof!

Metal: Aha! It is... You... Wait a minute, why do I care about finding you again? It's time for a match, and...

Digi: I'm guessing you just need me to be your co-commentator.

Metal: Hmmm... Maybe... Or...

*Metal zones out*

*Metal's mind*

Metal: Hmmm... I'm missing something...

*A giant banana flies by.*

Metal: No, it's not a banana. I made sure to destroy all of those from existence when I went by the cafeteria.

*A memory, shown as some sort of monitor screen, appears.*

Metal: Ah, right. This one. *Touches it*

*The memory plays.*

*Metal's memory*

Metal: So, my Quester, what should we do?

Kit: Well, how else are we to deal with Garrick than to get Digi killed?

Metal: Hm... This is an idea, but why should I do it again?

Kit: Well, it's clear! You can get everyone mad at Digi. Then, after they kill him, Garrick can be destroyed in the process.

Metal: But... How does that destroy Garrick again?

Kit: *Sighs* You are impossible! Let me make this clear. Garrick is a Quester. DIGI is a Quester. If you make Digi the most hated person in the universe, then everyone will ally to defeat him.

Metal: And...

Kit: And then Garrick will help kill Digi.

Metal: And how does that kill Garrick?

Kit: You simply trick everyone else into thinking he's on Digi's side.

Metal: Hmmmm... I guess it could work...

*Stadium hallway. Metal has been staring at the ceiling blankly for about 15 minutes. Digi has left and come back with a hotdog, and has just finished eating it.*

Metal: Kill Digi... that's right...

Digi: ...what?

*Metal snaps out of his reverie*

Metal: Er... Nothing! There is an extra special, extremely important match coming up! And only you are in it.

Digi: Only me? Alright...

Metal: Just go to the Stadium and you'll see!

*Digi heads off*

*Metal cradles his metal hands*

Metal: Heh heh heh heh. I'll soon kill Digi... Er, I mean, cause him to be hated by the entire universe, so that then Garrick is killed by being mistaken for being on his side.... ...Or whatever it was I was supposed to do again. My memory doesn't carry over from Alsa very well. I should stop eating all the floor tiles I come across.

*Tony Stark is outside the Stadium, waiting impatiently.*

Tony: It was bad enough that I had to drink with him. Now he's late, and I'm losing a thousand dollars a minute.

*Tony shakes his head*

Tony: The things I do for--

*Metal falls out a window, and lands next to Tony*

Tony: ...

*Metal gets up, prying half of a bench out of his side*

Metal: Hiya!

Tony: You were supposed to be out here THREE HOURS AGO.

Metal: Oh yeah. I just got lost.

Tony: Inside your own Stadium?

Metal: Technically I stole it from some bizarre light wizard who shot lasers.

Tony: ...Just get to the point.

Metal: There's this guy. I hired him. He's actually the worst person in the universe. And I need your help to destroy him.

Tony: And why is this my problem?

Metal: It's not your problem. Actually, it's your advantage.

Tony: Look, I've been in the business world too long to fall for that.

Metal: What I mean is, you can fill the entire ads with your match!

Tony: Huh?

Metal: Strike that, reverse it.

Tony: Ohhhhh. ...What, for free?

Metal: Yes!

Tony: And what am I doing instead of using a perfectly sane payment medium to acquire these ads anyway?

Metal: You must destroy someone whose punches are so weak, even plywood boards can survive being hit by them.

Tony: As long as this person is evil, I have no problem with your offer.

Metal: It just so happens he is! Look at this footage!

*Metal plays back an image of Digi in a space ship, flying over a casino. Next to him is a cat-person named Deloth.*

Deloth: Are you sure about this, Ian?

Digi: Fire the missiles!

Deloth: I can't see in this smoke. Are you really sure?

Digi: They're all double agents anyway!

*Digi fires all the missiles himself. The Casino explodes.*

Tony: Wait... Why did he blow that up? Why is that evil? WHERE is that even happening? Who is that cat person?

Metal: It's simple. That was an honest casino owned by evil thugs who were squatting on land that belonged to other people. Digi was trying to kill the bulldozer that was trying to destroy the casino, and in the process blew up the casino and not the bulldozer, killing hundreds of prisoners.

Tony: That's such a confusing mess, I'm likely to consider Everyone in that scenario to have been evil.

Metal: Well, that should be good enough to have you fight him, right?

Tony: I guess so.

Metal: Awesome. Be there at 5.

Tony: As long as it starts then, otherwise no deal. I'm not waiting again.

Metal: Fine, come at 8. I'm always this late.

Tony: Deal.

*Stadium cafeteria. 4:30 PM.*

*Kirby is eating a giant sandwich. Metal is standing nearby.*

Metal: Kirby!

*Kirby inhales the sandwich.*

Metal: Kirby!!!

*Kirby eats a giant tomato.*

Metal: Kirby Kirby Kirby!!!

*Kirby finally turns and stares at Metal.*

Metal: Thank goodness! I almost had to sing your show's theme song there!

Kirby: Poyo?

Metal: Well, you see Kirby, Digi actually hates all food.

Kirby: Wuhuh?

Metal: No, I didn't just make that up five seconds ago.

Kirby: *sweatdrops*

Metal: Besides, I'll give you... Ten... No, twenty sandwiches if you eat him!

Kirby: ... *nods*

Metal: Excellent! Just remember, Digi blew up a Casino too.

Kirby: ...?

Metal: I'll explain later! *Runs off*

*Digi is in the arena. He stares, looking around.*

Digi: Something sure was odd about Metal... He doesn't normally look at me like he does SkyHigh... and I don't recall him being so enthusiastic about me being in a match...

*Digi thinks*

Digi: Hmmmm... I don't know if I want to find out what this match is going to be, but then again, I'm his SP. *mutters* It can't be that bad, right?

*The Med bay.*

Metal: So, Dr. Mario, I will sell you all of Digi's organs. For free!

Dr. Mario: Mama-mia! I've-a been wanting those for decades!

Metal: That's right!

Dr. Mario: Wait-a minute. You're second only to-a me in scamming people. How do I-a know this isn't-a some trick!

Metal: I just want Digi to be destroyed for no apparent reason at all. Unless you object to that happening, there is no possible reason to object!

Dr. Mario: You're-a hiding something. I-a can sense it!

Metal: No, that's my wallet you're 'sensing', and take your filthy hands off of it before I slice them off.

*Dr. Mario's hand IS on Metal's wallet. He drops it before Metal has time to try and take out a weapon*

Dr. Mario: If-a you insist... I'll-a be there.

Metal: Good. Now, don't tell Dr. Light. He might actually object.

Dr. Mario: I-a hate Dr. Light!

Metal: Good!

8:01 PM, Arena.

Metal: Welcome one and all to the Super Smash Stadium! I'm your host, Metal!

Metal: And there is no co-commentator, because nobody needs those! Especially not me!

Metal: Today's match is... Digi vs. Iron Man, Dr. Mario, Kirby and Garrick Fy'aar!

*Digi is standing on Final Destination. His jaw drops.*

Digi: Metal! How is that fair?

Metal: Today there has also been a malfunction! I am afraid that, somehow, the Stadium has actual spikes in its pit, and I cannot seem to engage any of the safety warps! Woe is me, because the match is starting without me being able to stop it!

*Digi stares in horror as Iron Man, Dr. Mario and Kirby appear to fight him.*

Iron Man: This had better not take too much time. I have real villains to defeat, you know.

Dr. Mario: I-a get dibs on his organs!

Digi: I never signed up to donate them!

Kirby: PUYO!

Dr. Mario: You eat whatever is left over!

*Kirby slaps Dr. Mario*

Metal: And the match begins with friendly fire! Wait a minute, stop that! You're supposed to attack Digi! And where is Garrick? I was told he'd show up the moment this happened!

Kirby: Puyo! *Throws Dr. Mario aside*

Digi: Whoa there. There's been a misunderstanding. I think Metal meant for at least one of you to be on my team.

*Kirby smacks Digi with his hammer*

Digi: Easy there, puff! *glares and grabs Kirby, but he breaks free of the grab*

Iron Man: Hey, leave some of him for me. I object to your plans to eat him too. That's just disgusting.

Kirby: Puyo!

Iron Man: Oh. You're saying that was Dr. Mario's insinuation, not your intent. ...Ok.

Digi: *Stumbles and runs to another side of Final Destination*

Stark Industries: Bringing Peace by Destroying War.
Dr. Mario
Iron Man
Lives: 1
Lives: 1
Lives: 1
Lives: 1

Metal: Now come on! Destroy him already! Or summon Garrick! I don't care which!

Digi: Metal! What are you trying to do?

Metal: Well, I figured that if everyone was out to kill you, Garrick would appear to ensure only he could kill you.

Digi: WHAT?

Metal: It's all to ensure that Garrick is defeated, after all.

Digi: But I'm your Superpower!

Metal: Technically you're a holdover from Game Guru.

Digi: But--


*Digi is hit over and over again by the Proton Cannon's lasers*

Kirby: Puyo! *Leaps up and stone drops Digi*

Metal: Tough luck, Figi! Go team of unstoppable people!

Stark Industries: Bringing tomorrow to today.
Dr. Mario
Iron Man
Lives: 1
Lives: 1
Lives: 1
Lives: 1

Digi: But WHY?

Metal: All right, I guess I'll explain. Long ago, you were my Quester. But then--

*Digi is unable to hear the rest, as Dr. Mario electrocutes him, then Iron Man stars punching him. Kirby just adds to the beatdown with his mini-punch attacks. Metal shrugs. Digi tries retaliating with a few quick punches and a Light Ray or two, but the struggle is mostly futile.*

Metal: To be honest, I'll give as much explanation about why this is as you've given me as to why you won't support me in my war against Illian MacGregor. That other me may not be in the same timestream, but outright treason, Digi? Come on. You know better than to pull a Charles on me like that.

Digi: I wanted to get away from all of that for a while!

Iron Man: This battle is boring. I'm going to end it here and now.

Dr. Mario: Just-a don't destroy his entire body! I-a need the organs!

Digi: But Metal, you're not Xavier!

Metal: And what, you aren't Ian?

Digi: ...

Metal: I was crazy because people like you betrayed me! Now you get your just desserts! Made out of pudding of deathliness! Ahahahahaaaa!

Digi: .oO(It's clear. He's cracked. I have to get out of here.)

*Digi goes to leap out of the arena, only to be punted back into it... By a suddenly appearing figure.*

Garrick: --What the AAAA?

Digi: Whoa!

*Garrick and Digi fall on the arena together.*

Garrick: This is...the stadium. The warp got redirected...

Digi: Where did you come from?

Garrick: I was on the moon, talking to--

Metal: That's it! It's Garrick! Kill him, Garrick! No, wait. People I hired! Defeat Garrick! No, wait... ...What did I want to do again?

Garrick: That doesn't make any sense...why warp me from the moon to here in the middle of some fight with--who are you supposed to be? Iron Man?

Iron Man: Who did you think I was, War Machine?

*Kirby and Dr. Mario go to attack Digi*

Garrick: Whoa, whoa, whoa, you guys, slow down. There's only so much bullAAAA I can take at a time. I need time to think before I start shooting indiscriminately... not that it would matter, by the judge of things...

Metal: ...I can't believe it! Kit was right! Killing Digi would solve all my Quester problems!

Garrick: You shut the AAAA up Metal. I don't know if you're Xavier, but if you are, you sure as AAAA know I'm going to kill you for this.

Digi: ;o_o

Metal: ...Well, I am Xavier, but I'm not sure what's so surprising about this to you.

Garrick: You just told me fifteen AAAAing minutes ago that you didn't want to kill me anymore!

Metal: Oh... Wait... You mean the other me...

Digi: That's what I said! You're not Xavier!

Iron Man: The only thing he isn't, is getting any more of my time if this keeps getting more convoluted.

Metal: Technically I am myself on the other side, too. Just that that is the future me, and due to warp whiplash... I don't tend to remember everything I did here.

Garrick: So, you do this, then decide to change your mind?

Metal: Technically this is the present and whatever me you talked to was in the past, but due to the memory thing it's the other way around for me.

Garrick: ...I'm just going to kill you, then, and let your non-AAAAing stupid self in the future figure it out.

*Garrick shoots out the Stadium glass, and hits Metal in the shoulder.*

Digi: Huh. Well, I guess I'm off the hook.

Dr. Mario: *Punches Digi in the face* You're still on MY-a organ hook!

Digi: *snarls back* Whatever, Doc. *rams Dr. Mario with his golf club*

Garrick: *Goes to shoot Metal some more, then sees... Dr. Mario.* Oh, for AAAA sake, you too?

Dr. Mario: What about-a me?

Garrick: You're the only person I know MORE AAAAed up than Metal! I'll be doing everyone a favor getting rid of you.

Dr. Mario: Mama-mia!

Metal Man: Yes! I mean no! I mean... ...Ow... My shoulder...

Stark Industries: Replacing Environmentally unfriendly technology with renewable Energy.
Dr. Mario
Iron Man
Lives: 1
Lives: 1
Lives: 1
Lives: 1
Lives: 1

Iron Man: Just as well. With him out of my way, I can destroy this "Digi" and be on my way.

Garrick: Not so fast, Mister Expensive Robot Suit. You must be smarter than to fall for some trick of Xavier's.

Iron Man: Who said it was his trick?

Garrick: What?

Iron Man: I knew from the beginning he was tricking me into trying to kill someone. I'm not an assassin.

*Iron Man shoots Digi with a laser from his palm*

Garrick: Then what was that all about?

Iron Man: Just business, I assure you. You will get to decide what to do with him.

Garrick: Hmpf, fair enough.

*Digi is slumped over, KO'd*

Dr. Mario: You-a aren't getting my corpse!

Garrick: Oh for AAAA's sake...

*Garrick walks at Dr. Mario. Dr. Mario tries to throw a megavitamin at him, but Garrick ducks underneith it, grabbing him by one shoulder and dropping his knee into his stomach, throwing him over it onto his back before burying his knife in his side. Dr. Mario spin-kicks and knocks Garrick aside... ...Only for Iron Man to Repulsor blast him aside. Dr. Mario hangs precariously off the side of the arena, pinned to the ground by the slightly sparking knife.

Stark Industries: Providing security equipment for over 50 years.
Dr. Mario
Iron Man
Lives: 0
Lives: 1
Lives: 1
Lives: 1
Lives: 1

Dr. Mario: Mama-mia! This is-a not what I was-a picturing!

Garrick: Is it really? Did you ever AAAAing think someone would get tired of you stealing everyone's coins?

Dr. Mario: But-a most of my victims were already-a dead!

Iron Man: Smart man. Your mistake was deciding to try fighting one who wasn't dead yet.

Dr. Mario: You're-a right! ...Let-a me go. I-a won't kill Digi!

Garrick: Ohhhh no. Not after what YOU'VE done.

Metal: Wait! Not my personal doctor!

Garrick: This AAAAer revived you after that Ninja killed you. Why the AAAA shouldn't I kill him? You're just going to come back to life if I don't!

Metal: But... Uhhhh...

Garrick: There aren't any AAAAing warships behind me this time, and I know that you haven't possibly paid this robot guy enough to get him to kill me.

Metal: Not that!

*Metal leaps onto the stage*

Metal: I'm going to save you, Dr. Mario!

Dr. Mario: Thank-a Wolfman! There's-a at least one Quester left with-a solidarity!

Garrick: ... *Kneels next to Dr. Mario and twists the knife in his shoulder sharply, pulling it out somewhat to leave him dangling over the edge of the stage.*

Metal: Gah! No!

Iron Man: Digi is done. I'm going now.

Metal: No! Save my doctor!

Iron Man: That man is known as an organ trafficker, a murderer and a kleptomaniac. He makes you look like a saint!

Metal: He... Uhhh... ...What if I gave you a ton of money?

Garrick: Don't listen to him, guy. He's a insane, blasted AAAAing liar.

Iron Man: I'll make a deal, but not the stupid one you're offering.

*Iron Man points at Garrick.*

Iron Man: Someone else has paid me good money to ensure that this person doesn't bother him.

Garrick: WHAT?

Iron Man: I'll keep him away from both you and Dr. Mario. You will pay me those exorbitant sums you were going to offer me to kill him.

Metal: No way!

Iron Man: Then I'll just let him destroy your doctor.

Metal: But...

Iron Man: I have the cards here. He knows he can't beat me. And he knows you can't weasel out of this either.

*The audience watches as the tension increases*

*Dr. Mario's finger starts falling off*

Metal: But... But... I'll... I'll use a projectile weapon! Ha! You all lose!

*Metal takes out some sort of laser rifle. He fires at Garrick, who ducks. The laser shoots someone in the audience instead.*

Iron Man: You have the accuracy of a drunken cyclops.

Metal: Hey! Some of those guys are really accurate!

Iron Man: My mistake. You have the accuracy of Digi.

Metal: Dahhhh!!!

Garrick: Pfft, figures. I've got you over a barrel and all you do is panic and fall back on your stupid insane tactics. I've had it with you, Xavier...Metal...whoever you are. He dies, then Digi, then you.

Dr. Mario: Just... Just don't-a shoot me and let me jump back up!

Garrick: No AAAAing way.

Metal: How about I... Uhhh...

*Metal picks up the unconscious Digi.*

Metal: Give it up, or I throw him into the pit!

Garrick: Go right ahead.

Metal: Dammit!

Iron Man: Didn't you want to destroy him?

Metal: Only mostly!

Garrick: Time's up.

*Garrick yanks the knife from Dr. Mario's shoulder and let's him fall toward the spikes that line the bottom of the pit*

Metal: Nooooooo!!!

*Metal throws Digi at Garrick, then leaps after Dr. Mario*

*Garrick grabs Digi with CQC and throws him right back at Metal, stopping him from leaping off. He then turns around to face the falling Dr. Mario.*


Garrick: Too. AAAAIng. Bad.

*Garrick shoots Dr. Mario, who then explodes and is killed by the fall into the death pit.*

Metal: No... No... Not a classic like him! I'll have to go back in time and--

Garrick: No. NO. You are NOT going to do that. I'm AAAAING SICK of your stupid AAA time shenanigans. This ends here. Either you 'remember' what your less stupid self did, or I'm going to kill you right here and now. In front of this--why are you even still here, robot guy? I've heard you talk, it sounds like he isn't worth your time.

Iron Man: I'm just amused to see an inferior imitator of me get what's coming to him.

Metal Man: But our deal!

Iron Man: Well? Throw Digi into the pit. It's all yours. And the other deal stands too.

Metal: Curse your entirely logical behavior!

*Metal drops Digi*

Metal: I can't kill him! Not like this! It has to be more flashy!

Garrick: God. Whatever. Just remember the AAAA out of whatever idiotic trance you're in and send me back to Alsa before I send you down into that pit after Dr. Mario.

Metal: No! You're going down next! *Points his gun at Garrick*

Garrick: C'mon, then. Let's do this. *Takes his gun and fires at Metal, blasting a hole in his visor*

*Metal shoots sparks. Some sort of weird gadget decloaks.*

Garrick: Wait a minute... What IS that? *Scans it*

Metal: There's nothing here! Now die!

Garrick: No, I'm serious. You aren't acting normally, Metal. Not even for AAAAing Xavier.

Metal: I'm just FINE!

Garrick: ...Son of a AAAAA. It's one of HIS devices. All right... I'm going to just have to shoot it off of you.

Metal: There's nothing wrong with me!

Iron Man: Actually, that device is what's wrong with you.

Metal: Says you!

Will the device be removed from Metal Man? Will Garrick destroy Digi? Will Iron Man ever actually be able to do his deal with the Stadium? Find out... on the next episode of SUPER SMASH STADIUM!!!