March #41: Tier Fight: The Battle of Blazing Speed

Falcon & Sonic vs Fox & Meta Knight
Stage: Battlefield (Melee)
3 stock, no items

*Simulation Room*

Kevin: So, what are we doing here?

Esco: We're hosting a match. What did you think?

Kevin: Wait, seriously? Why aren't we using the Stadium?

Esco: Because, Metal's having another one of his crazy fights, and I'd rather not get involved in that. Not in this state.

Kevin: But what about the audience? We can't have a match without an audience!

Esco: That's why we have Yesman.

*Enter Yesman, with a video camera.*

Yesman: Why did I agree to do this again?

*Esco snarls at him menacingly.*

Yesman: ... Right, the crazy ninja dragon. Anyway, what's the plan for today?

*Esco flips a switch, causing the holo-projection field to spring to life and play back a short video sequence.*

*Meta Knight and Fox are training together on Final Destination*

Fox: ... And that's how L-cancelling works.

Meta Knight: That is quite interesting, but the name makes no sense to me.

Fox: Yeah, I'm not sure who named it, but that's besides the point. Your technique has improved greatly since we first started training.

Meta Knight: Yes, and with these new skills, we shall be able to take down anyone who dares challenge us. We will be unbeatable!

???: Not so fast!

*Enter Falcon*

Fox: What are you doing here, Falcon?

Falcon: I want to know what's going on here. Something about an unbeatable team?

Meta Knight: Correct.

Falcon: *Stifles his laughter*

Meta Knight: Don't let my previous record fool you. I've been training with Fox for several months now. I am much more dangerous than you last remembered.

Fox: Besides, your recent record hasn't exactly been stellar either. I'm leagues ahead of you now.

Falcon: Why you... Fine! I'll get my own team and show you how "unbeatable" you really are!

*Exit Falcon*

Meta Knight: He's going to regret his decision. *Twirls his sword around a bit as the camera cuts out*

Kevin: So, this is an elitist match?

Esco: It seems so.

Kevin: Hopefully Falcon isn't too rusty. I can't remember the last time he fought.

Yesman: If he fights like he races, then we're all doomed.

Kevin: Oh, it's starting!

Esco: Yesman, start filming!

Yesman: Okay. *Turns it on and focuses on the holo-projector*

Kevin: Hello and welcome again to another exciting SSS match!


Kevin: It feels so empty in here. We probably could've waited for Metal to finish-

Esco: No one has time for that.

Kevin: Okay then. I'm Kevin, this is Esco, the game is 2v2, 3 stock, on Melee Battlefield. Good?


*The entire chamber vibrates from Esco's roar.*

Yesman: *Ducks behind Kevin*

Kevin: Wow, that was frightening.

Esco: Keep filming! We don't want to miss anything important.

*Falcon jumps out of his Blue Falcon on the left side*

*Fox ejects from his arwing, landing on the right side*

*Sonic bounces onto the left platform*

*Meta Knight teleports in on the right platform*

Kevin: Ready... FIGHT!!

What do you mean, there haven't been matches for months? I just got done fighting one that went on this entire time! -Metal
Captain Falcon
Meta Knight
Lives: 3
Lives: 3
Lives: 3
Lives: 3

Esco: So Falcon picked Sonic as a partner. Why am I not surprised...

Kevin: Sonic spindashes towards Fox right away while Falcon flip kicks at Meta Knight-

Esco: But Meta Knight slides away and dodges the attack, countering with his own array of slashes!

Kevin: Oh, and Fox times his reflector just right, knocking Sonic away just before he can get in! He gets knocked into Meta Knight's flurry!

Esco: Falcon breaks free, only to fall victim to Fox's drill kick.

Kevin: He combos into a flip kick, sending Falcon sailing!

Esco: But while this is going on, Sonic escapes the slashing and grabs Fox from behind!

Kevin: Meta Knight chases Falcon into the sky, nailing him with a Shuttle Loop!

Esco: Just as Sonic throws Fox away, causing him to hit Falcon. Fox recovers quickly and knocks Falcon away from the stage with his reflector!

Kevin: Bad move on Sonic's part, but I'm sure Falcon can recover! In the meantime, Sonic springs up to a defenseless Meta Knight and drop kicks him!

Esco: Fox jumps off the edge and shocks Falcon with yet another reflector blast. He's falling into the amazing technicolor abyss.

Kevin: ...

Yesman: If it's any consolation, Sonic scissor-kicked Meta Knight.

Esco: Your commentary is not needed, thank you very much.

Xbox One: Now you can see dogs on your TV... in 3D... and control them with your voice and hand gestures!
Captain Falcon
Meta Knight
Lives: 3
Lives: 3
Lives: 3
Lives: 3

Kevin: Fox climbs back to the stage while Sonic continues to dish out the pain on Meta Knight!

Esco: Falcon returns, and he's not too happy about that quick death...

Kevin: Meta Knight breaks free and drops beside Fox. They seem to be talking about something...

Esco: ... Only for Sonic to drop kick Fox when his back is turned. They forgot the most important rule of fighting!

Kevin: Falcon attacks the party with a Falcon Kick! Fox ducks out just in time, but Meta Knight and Sonic taste the flame!

Sonic: Hey, watch it man!

Falcon: You owe me one for that throw!

Esco: Fox punts Falcon off the stage with a flying crescent kick, but he easily recovers!

Kevin: Sonic takes out Meta Knight with a spinning back kick! Awesome!

Esco: But Falcon's still on the edge! Sonic can't quite make it...

Kevin: He falls underneath the stage! Not awesome.

Yesman: A low percent kill. Ouch.

Captain Falcon
Meta Knight
Lives: 2
Lives: 2
Lives: 3
Lives: 2

Esco: Falcon climbs back up, rolling past Fox-

Kevin: But he's struck by a Split Kick to the face!

Esco: Meta Knight phases in right beside Falcon and continues the combo with a quick slash!

Kevin: And Fox comes in for the kill! He knocks Falcon far away from the stage with a jumping back kick!

Esco: Sonic returns and locks Meta Knight into a quick series of jabs, but Meta Knight teleports behind him and begins stomping on him repeatedly!

Kevin: Fox hogs the edge, but Falcon just barely clears the stage right above him!

Esco: He boosts towards Meta Knight and catches him with a flaming uppercut!

Kevin: -And a Knee of Justice! WHA-BAM!!

Esco: What, no Shazam?

Kevin: Ehh, it's getting a bit old now. Oh! Fox just grabbed Sonic during his spindash, and threw him off the stage and blasted him with lasers!

Esco: Falcon smashes into Fox with a shoulder rush, knocking him off as well. *Sigh* That was a bad decision...

Kevin: Why's that? Sonic just dealt Fox some extra pain with his barrel roll attack!

Esco: First off, it's an aileron roll. Second, Fox flashes his reflector once more, knocking Sonic away. Now watch as Fox grabs the edge, preventing Sonic from recovering again.

Kevin: What is is with Fox and early kills today? This is not looking good for Falcon and Co...

Remember: If there is a supervillain invasion, press the green button underneath your chair. It will dispense a paper bag to put over your head.
Captain Falcon
Meta Knight
Lives: 2
Lives: 1
Lives: 3
Lives: 2

Esco: Falcon jumps off the stage to edgeguard Fox, only to take a drill kick to the face!

Kevin: Meta Knight dash kicks through a newly-returned Sonic on his way to the right side!

Esco: Fox grabs the edge, but Falcon's too close! He gets grabbed by a Falcon Dive!

Kevin: Fox gets spiked underneath the stage! He tries to recover-

Esco: But a quick double-kick from Falcon sends him back into the pit of despair.

Kevin: Meta Knight strikes Falcon with a front flip! He's too low to recover now!

Esco: Fox and Sonic trade blows on the left as Falcon meets his demise.

NOTE: New fighter auditions begin in November. If you wish to become a new fighter in this Stadium, be sure to submit the 10,000 coin bribe entry fee to Metal.
Captain Falcon
Meta Knight
Lives: 1
Lives: 1
Lives: 2
Lives: 2

Esco: And this is why tiers are considered the root of all evil. With two of the strongest fighters teamed up, nothing can stand in their way!

Kevin: Hey! don't count them out yet! They're only down by 3 lives...

Fox: You can't beat us now!

Falcon: Like Hell we can't! Do you even know where we are?

Meta Knight: Any fool can tell you that. It's Battlefield.

Sonic: Yeah... are you feeling okay?

Falcon: Wrong answer!

*The stage begins to lower*

Falcon: I switched the stage at the last second.

Fox/Meta Knight: !!

Kevin: Can he... do that?

Esco: Honestly, I don't know. There's nothing in the rules that prevents it.

*The main platform suddenly disappears, as the other platforms come to rest above a section of a twisted F-Zero track*

Falcon: Welcome to Phantom Road. Now you fight my way!

Kevin: And just as he says that, a car zooms in from the left, running down everyone but Falcon! Meta Knight vanishes into the vortex in the distance!

Tired of seeing this scoreboard? Too bad. It just keeps coming!
Captain Falcon
Meta Knight
Lives: 1
Lives: 1
Lives: 2
Lives: 1

Esco: Falcon juggles the hapless Fox with two backflips and a dive, but the increased stage size prevents a KO!

Kevin: Oh man, he's over 100%! Meta Knight returns, and pulls out his Mach Tornado, pulling Falcon and Sonic in!

Esco: Meta Knight falls to the main stage just as another car goes by! These things do too much damage...

Kevin: But Fox avoids it and takes out Sonic with an aerial flip kick! Falcon's left on his own now!

We waited this long to tell you that the hotdogs are out of stock. No more Stadium hotdogs! Begin: STADIUM TACOS: THE LESS FLAMMABLE SOLUTION.
Captain Falcon
Meta Knight
Lives: 1
Lives: 2
Lives: 1

Esco: Meta Knight teleports to Falcon, but Falcon sidesteps the strike and counters with a swift knee to the face.

Kevin: Fox intercepts Meta Knight with a slight tap. Now Meta Knight attacks Falcon with another Mach Tornado!

Esco: Fox gets into position and zips towards Falcon with his illusion, while Meta Knight continues his pursuit with a Shuttle Loop.

Kevin: Falcon just avoided both attacks! How did he do that-

Falcon: HYESZ!!

*The SPs watch as Falcon lands an epic DOUBLE KNEE, which uses the powers of the eternal youth, swift justice, and the passion for glory to take out Fox and Meta Knight simultaneously. Several nearby racers spontaneously explode for no reason and the lightshow above suddenly intensifies to seizure-inducing levels.*

Esco: Well damn. I'd say that's worthy of a Shazam, don't you think?

Kevin: Sh-shazam...?

Esco: You better have that on camera, Yesman.

Yesman: I... uh... sure do?

Esco: We're about this close to needing a new cameraman.

Today on This Old Mansion, Luigi removes a ghost infestation by breaking everything in the house using a vacuum cleaner.
Captain Falcon
Meta Knight
Lives: 1
Lives: 1

Falcon: Here we go, it's just you and me now!

Fox: I will not lose here, after all the torment I've endured over the years! Especially not to you!

Falcon: Wait, what? I just wanted to fight-

Esco: Fox pummels Falcon with a raging torrent of spinning kicks!

Kevin: Falcon needs to hold on, but Fox sends him away with a flying kick! He's headed into the path of an oncoming car!

Falcon: Falcon... PUNCH!!

Esco: He's... Wow. I can't even... That was just crazy enough to work.

Kevin: Parts go flying everywhere! Fox is hit by sharapnel!

Esco: Falcon looks pissed. That makes two fighters...

Kevin: Fox fires his blaster relentlessly at a charging Falcon, but Falcon shrugs off the hits and continues onwards!

Esco: Fox slides right behind him, just as I-

Kevin: But Falcon predicted this and spins and grabs Fox!


Esco: He slams Fox to the ground, bouncing him up a bit... He's going to do one of his flashy combos, I just know it.

Kevin: Sure enough, there he goes! He's striking Fox over and over with a series of flips and kicks! It's so stylish... If only there was a way to catch this on film...

*Kevin nudges Yesman, who suddenly jerks up and starts filming again*

Esco: Falcon stomps his foe into the ground once... twice... three times! He's going for a flashy exit!

Falcon: Show ya moves! *Strikes a pose for the camera*

Kevin: He jumps towards Fox and-

Esco: -Both of them get hit by a stray car! They're both sailing off into the distance!


This game's winner is... Blue Team! The better player on the team is... Fox!

Kevin: Man, what a rip-off! Falcon had that one!

Esco: He got what was coming for him. He picked a bad stage.

Kevin: Well if they hadn't gone there then the other team would've-

*A dormant stadium robot boots up and swoops into view*


Yesman: Err... how long has this robot been here? I feel like I haven't seen it in 32 episodes.

Kevin: Well, how often do people use this place, anyway? I mean, after the whole virus incident...

Esco: Let's just get out before it can continue its mindless droning.

*The three exit the chamber, and head for the locker rooms*

Kevin: While we're here, let's interview the winners. Esco: All right.

*Kevin and Esco enter, only to find Falcon and Sonic instead*

Sonic: Don't bother. They just skipped town.

Kevin: Huh?

Sonic: Said something about wanting a better challenge. I don't know, I thought I put up a good fight until I got cheated out of my spare lives...

Kevin: We all know that feeling.

Esco: Anyway, do you know where they could've gone?

Sonic: It's pretty obvious. They ran off to that other arena.

Kevin: Other arena?

Sonic: Don't tell me you don't know! It just opened up a few months ago. A few other guys also jumped ship and joined 'em, not just Fox and Meta Knight.

Esco: Let me guess... Satoshi.

Sonic: Ash? I wouldn't doubt it... he's probably still sulking over that whole tournament thing. Actually, I heard the winner left, along with the other two top-placers.

Kevin: Damn, that's not good. If we lose all our best fighters, what will become of us?

Sonic: I don't know, but it doesn't look good. You guys have to help us figure out why people are leaving.

Yesman: Oh no, I'm not getting dragged into another SSS Misadventure...

Esco: *Glares at Yesman* Like you have a choice.

Yesman: Must you do that? It's making me uncomfortable.

Kevin: So, how's Falcon doing?

Sonic: He needs some alone time. After that bad loss, I don't think he'll ever live it down.

Esco: In that case, we'll be off.

Sonic: See ya.

*The SPs leave the locker room*

Yesman: *Points the camera at himself* Hey guys, I think I forgot to take the lens cap off. Can we re-film that?

Esco: You WHAT!?

Yesman: ... Kidding. *Takes the tape out of the camera and hands it to Kevin* Take this over to the tape room.

Kevin: Uhh, all right. In the meantime, you two should go check on Metal.

Yesman: I'm not sure if I want to...

Esco: *Picks up Yesman by his head* We're going to see Metal.

Yesman: Ack! Sharp claws! Sharp claws!

*Exit Esco and Yesman.*

Kevin: All right, let's see if I remember where this tape place is...

*Kevin walks down several twisty hallways, all alike, until he reaches a rather nondescript door*

Kevin: I believe it's behind this nondescript door. *Opens it, revealing a room lined from wall to wall with arhive tapes* Yep, this must be it. I'll just put the tape over here and... hey, what's this?

*Kevin pulls a tape from the wall, labeled "The New Era" on the side.*

Kevin: If this is what I think it is... Oh, there's no time to watch it now... I'll be sure to watch it when I get the chance. For now, I gotta go catch up with the others. I have a feeling they'll need my help...

*Kevin leaves the room.*

Yesman: Wow, I can't believe we went an entire episode without mentioning the pony mess!

Esco: ... Dammit Yesman. Keep this up and I'll turn your brain into meat paste.