The Question: Which Video Game Console Company is the Best....Again.
Mario Mario vs. Sonic the Hedgehog, vs. Crash Bandicoot vs. Blinx vs. Pac-Man
Zer: Welcome one and all to a new SSS Match!
Crowd: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!!!
Zer: That's right! And now, I'm (somewhat) proud to present to you, an ex-SP, and the owner and only employee of KNIGHT Productions...Nine Nine Ten!
Two green beams of light flash in from outside the arena and collide in the commentators' box, forming a green wireframe that transforms into Knight9910.
9910: Thank you, thank you!
Zer: And of course the one who cowrote Match 43...Beam Knight!
Beam Knight walks out and sits down.
BK: Good evening, Zeratul.
Zer: Right. And I'll be leaving now Because I do not wish to be associated with these people. Thank you. Leaves.
9910: Right, now let's look back at how this match came to be.
BK: Right. Well, after Match 43 Crash and Sonic wanted a rematch. We made one but it wasn't put up because "Crash wasn't a fighter."
9910: And now that the X-Box is on the scene we needed another match.
BK: Right. Well, then. Let's explain a few things.
9910: Alright. First off, we have the moves for Blinx.
| B Move | Time Sweeper (Sucks the enemy -or projectile attacks- in and then spits them out again.) |
| B> Move | Record (Creates a copy of Blinx that does exactly what he does for 10 seconds.) |
| B^ Move | Fast Forward (Time speeds up for everyone making them move much faster and jump much higher. Blinx is invincible but if he's hit he's knocked very far back and time returns to normal. |
| Bv Move | Pause (Time stops for all but Blinx for 10 seconds. Once per life.) |
BK: Weren't we originally going to have Master Chief from HALO representing X-Box?
9910: Yeah, we were, but I couldn't think of a good B^ move for him and GG suggested we use Blinx.
BK: Since when do you listen to GG?
9910: Just shutup and tell them Pac-Man's moves.
BK: OK. OK. Yeesh.
| B Move | Pac Pellet (Shoots a small pellet. If charged the pellet explodes on contact) |
| B> Move | Rev Roll (Revs for a second and then rolls forward.) |
| B^ Move | Upwards Rev Roll (Same as the Rev Roll only upwards.) |
| Bv Move | Butt Bounce (Falls fast, but if he hits the ground he bounces high into the air. This does damage if he lands on a fighter.) |
9910: Now then, you may remember a certain match on the old SSS board where four of these five fought. You can find that match here.
BK: As you may know in the past two matches we've used special item rules. We'll be using those same rules here today.
9910: Right. Each fighter will have three items that only they can use.
BK: And each, pill, crate, capsule, etc. will have one of each of the fighters' items.
9910: And if any fighter tries to pick up another fighter's item...ZAP!!!
BK: That's right. Now then. Mario, Sonic, Crash, and Pac-Man still have the same items.
9910: In case you forgot Mario has Stars, Bob-ombs, and Fire Flowers.
BK: Sonic's are Bubble Shields, Invincibility, and Chaos Emeralds.
9910: Crash's are Wampa Fruit, Nitro Box, and the Witch Doctor Mask.
BK: And Pac-Man's are Apple, Mega Pac-Pellet, and the Slingshot.
9910: And as for Blinx, his items are as follows. Rewind Crystal. (Rewinds the match a little bit.) Time Holder. (The next ten times Blinx uses his normal B move it will shoot a block of trash.) And finally, the Bomb (His next normal B move shoots a bomb which explodes on contact.)
BK: Well, then. I think we've spent enough time talking. So without further adieu...
9910: ALLOW THE VIOLENT CONFRONTATION TO PROCEED!!! ŠKNIGHT Productions 2005
BK: What the Hell was that?
9910: Well, all the good ones were taken.
BK: OK. One other thing. How is that copyright 2005 when it's only 2003?
9910: I don't know. Let's just focus on the match. There's a blue blur and Sonic appears!
BK: Righto. Mario comes out of a warp pipe!
9910: Crash flies in on the plane that's in Warped.
BK: Blinx just sort of appeared. I guess we're supposed to assume he stopped time and then entered the arena and that's why we didn't see him come in.
9910: And Pac-Man walks up to the Arena.
BK: Your entrance was much flashier than all of theirs combined.
9910: I know.
BK: Showoff.
9910: Bah. Anyway, Mario starts the fight with a Super Jump Punch on Pac-Man.
BK: Sonic jumps off to one side and begins charging up his spikes.
9910: Crash goes after Sonic but gets pegged with a barrage of pac pellets and fireballs.
BK: Sonic fires his spikes, hitting Crash. Looks like this will be over for poor old Crash fairly quickly.
9910: Crash needs help. Knight pushes a button and a monitor appears.
BK: Blinx sucks up Crash and shoots him into the monitor, breaking it open. Out pops a Nitro Box, Bob-omb, a Chaos Emerald, a Bomb, and an Apple.
9910: This will be big. Thank goodness these booths are explosion-proof.
BK: Indeed. Crash picks up the Nitro Box and tosses it at the same time Mario throws the Bob-omb.
9910: Blinx uses his Time Sweeper and sucks in BOTH items and shoots them into Crash. In an impossible stroke of luck Crash hits the POW Block and falls onto the elevators. He gets up and stumbles off. Let's see the damage!
M: 45, S: 30 C: 260, B: 30, P: 30
BK: This looks like it won't last much longer. Blinx grabs the bomb and shoves it into his Time Sweeper. Crash manages to dodge the bomb but now the others are using the opportunity to try and put him out. Desperately, he ducks into a warp pipe and ends up in the pit. Bye bye, Crash.
9910: The others then turn on each other. Mario launches a few fireballs at Blinx, who sucks them in and spits them back. Sonic grabs the Chaos Emerald and Pac-Man gets the apple.
BK: It's time for some more items. Beam Knight throws in a crate.
9910: Sonic breaks the crate, releasing a Rewind Crystal, another Chaos Emerald, a Mega Pac-Pellet, and a Fire Flower.
BK: Actually, I believe that's a Chaos Emeril.
Emeril Lagasse: BAM! Let's kick it up a notch!
9910: ...
BK: Anyway, Pac-Man grabs the Mega Pac Pellet and transforms into Super Pac-Man. He goes straight for Blinx!
9910: But before he gets there Blinx grabs the Rewind Crystal and he--
There's a bright flash as Blinx uses the Crystal.
BK: Actually, I believe that's a Chaos Emeril.
Emeril Lagasse: BAM! Let's kick it up a notch!
9910: ...
BK: Anyway, Pac-Man goes for the Mega Pac-Pellet, but is sucked up by Blinx and shot out over the pit. He makes it back easily and he does not look pleased.
9910: He fires a charged Pac Pellet at Blinx, who promptly sucks it in and spits it back. Blinx definately seems to be dominating this fight.
BK: The others have all turned their attention towards Blinx. I think he's going to hit pau--
9910: And suddenly Blinx is on the top platform and Pac-Man is gone. I assume that Blinx used Pause and took out Pac-Man.
BK: We have GOT to proof this booth against time control...
9910: Yes, we do. Let's see the stats.
M: 56, S: 40 C: OUT, B: 45, P: OUT
BK: Mario starts shooting fireballs while Sonic is rolling into Blinx. Blinx uses Fast Forward and gets behind the two, then uses Record and he and his duplicate both begin pounding them.
9910: No, dammit! X-Box can't win! Throws out a pill.
BK: Mario grabs the pill and throws it straight down. It's a whole bunch of Chaos Emeralds, a Star, and a Time Holder. Hmm...two invincibility items and one fairly worthless item. Why does this seem cheap? And why does this seem familiar?
9910: Shutup. Anyway, Sonic grabs the Emeralds and Mario grabs the Star. They lay into Blinx. They pound his Record copy into oblivion and then they go after him. They break the Fast Forward, sending him flying backwards out of the arena and out of this match.
M: 75, S: 68 C: OUT, B: OUT, P: OUT
BK: Sonic and Mario wait for their invincibility to wear off then they start bashing each other. Mario uses the Super Jump Punch followed by an aerial smash attack and a Ground Pound.
9910: But Sonic is still in. He spins into Mario and uses his invisible speed. He runs around, punching Mario while he's invisible.
BK: Now his ten seconds are over and he's visible again. Mario hits him hard with a Super Mario Tornado and a smash Attack, sending him up, up and out for the win!
9910: Now then, let's go to Mash Toady for the interviews.
Mash: How many times do I have to tell you? I DON'T WORK FOR SSS ANYMORE!!! Besides, you've done this joke a million times! Get some originality! Slams the phone down.
9910: What's his problem?
BK: Who knows. Anyway, let's go to Hylian Navi with the interviews.
Navi: Right. I'm here with Mario Mario.
Mario: I-a win again! Nintendo is still-a number one!
Navi: Right. You are aware Nintendo lost the second video game company match, aren't you?
Mario: I-a don't a-know what you're-a talking about.
Navi: Yeah, you lost, remember? We have a video of it right here...
Mario: I SAID, I-a don't know-a what you're-a talking about.
Navi: O...K... Right, well, back to you, Knight.
9910: I'm telling you, she is SO hot.
BK: Whatever. Anyway, let's go back to Navi again who's now with the losers.
Navi: Right, now I'm here with Sonic, Crash, and Pac-Man. Well, Crash, how does it feel to have come in last?
Crash: It sucks! I would've won too, if not for them ganging up on me! It's not fair!
Navi: Right. Sonic?
Sonic: It was fun. I can't wait for the next rematch. Next time I'll beat that Mario!
Navi: I bet you will. And Pac-Man?
Pac-Man: All I have to say is that Blinx is cheap.
Navi: Indeed he is. Well, back to you, Knight.
9910: Right. Well, then, it's time for the questions!
1. Was Blinx cheap?
2. Were the items cheap?
3. Was this whole match cheap?
4. Should I make any more fan matches?
5. How many times am I going to use the Mash Toady joke before I realize it's old?
BK: Keep in mind, the answers to the above questions are yes, yes, yes, yes, and he'll never realize it.
9910: That's it for today's match. So until next time, this is Knight Nine Nine Ten...
BK: ...and Beam Knight...
9910: ...saying, Good Knight!
Meanwhile, elsewhere...
Stephen Hawking: According to my calculations, Blinx's flagrant and unconstrained usage of time control will cause the time/space continuum to unravel and the entire universe to collapse into subatomic particles in approximately 1.365 sec--