Match #113

Wario vs. Zelda

GG: (looks at a Mug-Shaped Package and the Time Stabilizer) A Time Donut and a Cup O' Plot...

Rita: Mr. President, I thought Kirby ate the Time Donut and Cup 'O Plot!

GG: That's what I thought also. I found them when I put the Triforce into the safe. (pulls out a tape of Match 100) Let's check the video... If any time distortion happened, it's bound to have showed up on the video.

(GG plays the tape.)

(Kirby is sitting in the lounge with the Time Donut and the Cup O' Plot.)

Kirby: Ah... coffee and donuts...

(GG walks in... but he's dressed in a dark yellow overcoat, a red shirt, yellow pants, and completely silver sunglasses... It's Future GG!)

Future GG: (takes the Time Donut and Cup O' Plot from Kirby) Give me that, you puffball!

Pat: What the?! Future GG?!

Kirby: T-T WHAA!!!

Future GG: Oh, hi Pat! (hands the cup and donut to Pat) Give this back to my counterpart, and make sure he KEEPS it in a safe place on Stadium grounds... He'll need it, in the future!

Pat: I thought you left after Hyperion's plot.

Future GG: What are you tal-- Oh yeah! I gotta save VG from Hyperion! (sets his watch) Thanks for reminding me! I gave you an order! I'm outta-- Oh, and here comes the migraine!!! (walks away with an obvious headache)

Pat: Oh... kay. (carries the two devices to the Season 3 GG)

(The tape continues, but at that moment...)

Rita: Dr. Mario & Link are here to see you.

GG: Send them in!

Dr. Mario: Link here has been having visions and migranes, but I can't find anything physically wrong with him.

Link: It's true!

GG: Migraines?! O.O Well, maybe it's caused by Young Link's time travelling?

Dr. Mario & Link: (looks at GG funny)

GG: I mean think about it... All our notions of causality are based on the fact that time only moves in the one direction. Once you throw time travel into the equation, it's really anyone's guess what will happen. There is no "right" thing for a paradox to do: you might disappear instantly; you might be immune but find the world around you different; heck, you might even unleash killer flying time monkeys!

Link: Killer flying time monkeys? Killer flying time monkeys?!

GG: (as confident as he can be) Killer flying time monkeys.

Link: Well, thanks... (Link and Dr. Mario walk out of the office in separate directions. Link however bumps into someone)

GG: Oof! (falls over)

Link: (looks at GG and looks back at GG's office) How the--

GG: (runs into a different hall)

Link: I could've sworn... Ehh, must be my imagination... (walks off away from GG)

GG: Whoo, that was a close one... (puts out a Capsule Corp Capsule) The time machine looks ok... I gotta be more careful...

***

GG: Hello and it's a beautiful day here at the Super Smash Stadium. Isn't that right, umm... Panfan?

Digi: I'm Digi.

GG: Right... Today's match is part of the Triforce tournament so instead of showing how this match came to be, we have antics in the lunchroom. Roll it!

(The tape rolls.)

(Young Link walks by a table full of the various fighters at the Stadium.)

Young Link: Hiya, Adult Me! (walks away)

Link: ... Am I the ONLY one here who has to deal with temporal paradoxes!

Mario: We met-a our younger selves. Mine was-a loud...

Luigi: My younger self got-a to hit-a Mario. ^^

Peach: My younger self got kidnapped... -_-

Bowser: My younger self kidnapped the princess. ^^

Game Guru: I wonder if Dr. Light finished on the Mazda Ahura, yet.

Mega Man: My future counterpart was dorky and called himself Quint.

Tron Bonne: Well, there was this hot boy in blue... He's dreamy...

Sonic: I fought the decendent of my archnemesis... And I think I might've met my own decendent...

Roy: (mutters something in Japanese)

Donkey Kong: There is even a bet going around on if Pichu is, in fact, the temporally displaced younger self of Pikachu.

Capt. Falcon: I always get this sorta vibe around here. Like Fox reminds me of one of the F-Zero racers, James McCloud. James is a bounty hunter for Galaxy Dog and races in F-Zero in peacetime.

Falco: Well, in peacetime, Fox's father, who oddly enough was also named James McCloud, used to race in the G-Zero Grand Prix... The best racer there, he said, was a avian named Douglas Falcon.

Capt. Falcon: My name's Douglas...

(Everyone looks at Capt. Falcon oddly, save Mr. Game & Watch.)

Falco: ... Okay, I'll bite. Did James McCloud have a son, Falcon?

Capt. Falcon: (nods his head glumly) Named Fox...

Falco: Oh... (gets a migrane)

Capt. Falcon: (points to Mario) Mr. EAD... (points at DK) Billy... (points to Samus) Jody Summer...

Zelda: Now look what you've done, Link. The F-Zero racer has gone bye-bye.

Link: Well, excuse me for complaining.

Mr. G&W: (pats Falcon on the back) Bloop bloopy, Bleepan Bleepon! Bleep bloop bleep bleep Blarbleepo, Bloopbleepi, Bleepy Bleep, Bleep, Bleepa, Bloopo, bleep Bleepa bleep bleep bleep bloop, bloop!

Capt. Falcon: ... I have no idea what you just said.

Mr. G&W: Bleep! ^_^

Mega Man: So what was the name of this boy in blue?

Tron Bonne: Rock Volnutt!

Mega Man: Wow! My name's Rock, too!

Link: I'm gonna go try to find Malon...

(Link leaves the table and walks into the hall to look for Malon for a while, but finds Talon and Ingo)

Link: Hey, Talon. Nice to see you at the Stadium.

Ingo: Hmmph...

Talon: (munching on a mushroom) Yeah, boy.

Link: You know where Malon is?

Talon: Yeah, she's talking to the nice turtle dragon.

Link: Turtle... Dragon... THAT'S Bowser!!! (runs into the lunchroom)

Ingo: Meh... (follows Link)

Talon: What? (follows Ingo)

***

(In the lunchroom, Bowser and Malon are at a table.)

Bowser: (looking at her pendent which strangely resembles himself.) Where the heck did you get this?

Malon: It's been in my family for generations.

Bowser: (whispering to himself) What an uncanny resemblence...

Link: Bowser! Do NOT harm Malon!

Bowser: What?! I only kidnap princesses. My standards make me better than Donkey Kong.

Malon: He wanted to see my pendent!

(Link takes the pendent from Bowser)

Bowser: It looks JUST like me! It's uncanny!

Link: Huh!

Ingo: What's going on!

Talon: Hiya, Mr. Turtle!

Bowser: ... Mario?

Mario: Heya!

Luigi: Hmmph!

Link: (looks at Mario and then at Talon and to Luigi and then to Ingo) Maybe Falcon and Fox have a point...

Malon: HELP ME, LINK!

Link: (snaps out of it) Huh?!

Donkey Kong: DOOOOOOONKEY KONG!!! (carries Malon off)

Link: (readies for battle) Unhand her, Ape! (chases after Donkey Kong)

Bowser: See... better! (feels justified)

Ingo: ... What are you talking about, turtle?

Bowser: (notices that he and Ingo are the only ones NOT chasing after Donkey Kong) ... I'm gonna go find Mewtwo...

Ash: (running out of a random room followed by Pikachu) WAAAAH!!!

Bowser: Buh?

(Bowser enters the room to find a fully functioning Pokecenter with its own Nurse Joy. Mewtwo is laughing histerically.)

Bowser: The Stadium has its own Pokemon Center?

Mewtwo: (catching his breath) Of course, where do you think most of the Pokemon at the Stadium hang out?

Bowser: What were you laughing about?

Mewtwo: Red defeated Ash so badly, Ash decided to run home to his mother...

Bowser: (stifles a chuckle)

Red: ...

Bowser: He looks just like Ash...

(end tape)

GG: Now, folks, we shall start this second-round match. It's three lives, and no items at Peach's Castle. For all of you watching here in the stands, on Shroom-o-Vision, wherever...

Digi: SMASH AWAY!

GG: Our two combatants start on opposite ends of Peach's Castle; again, this will be more of a brawl than anything else without items.

Digi: Zelda and Wario meet towards the center and jump up at almost identical times. Zelda strikes first with a couple of magical smashes, but Wario comes right back with one of those Wario Tornadoes! Just like old times, fellow SP!

GG: (mumbling to himself) I don't remember you in Season 1...

Digi: Wario now gains a bit of an edge now as he launches a couple of yellow fireballs at Zelda. However, she transforms into Sheik quite early on.

GG: She's looking at it from an outmanuevering standpoint... (mutters) not like it's hard to outmanuever Wario anyway...

Digi: Sheik whips Wario though! That will bruise him.

GG: (normal voice) They are hanging around that slope on the left now. Sheik pierces Wario with some needles, but Wario now comes right back with his...vampire cape?! o.O

Digi: Hey, Mario doesn't need a Feather to get his cape going...guess Wario doesn't need to bit by any bats either.

GG: The move still works, though. He starts to charge up a punch, but right before he can launch off, Sheik teleports away and hits him from behind with a couple of smacks!

Digi: Sheik continues to pummel Wario with the chain and now Wario is grabbed! Man, I think I'm going to host another one-sided match like the one with Link and Bowser...

GG: Say nothing yet. This is only beginning...besides, Wario just put the hurt on Sheik with a smash!

Digi: She--he?--is sent flying...um, Guru, what pronoun would you use?

GG: Save that until one of them loses a life. Anyways, Sheik comes straight back at Wario, with a couple of quick punches and she throws Wario upward!

Digi: So it is "she".

GG: I told you, wait until someone dies. Patience, please.

Digi: Anyways, Wario fires another fireball at Sheik, but that's the least of their concerns, because here comes the first Bullet Bill, and he's about to slam into the castle stage left!

GG: Bill's starting to dig into the exterior now as Sheik transforms back into Zelda. As Zelda, she launches a round of Din's Fire at Wario, but Wario pulls out a nice sweeping kick on her! She is sent towards the Bill and bounces around, right as it explodes!

Digi: Wario wants to taunt as she's set to be blasted away, but Wario must have missed the cue to get out of there! The Bill takes his first life as well.

GG: And yes, Digi, it is "she". At least, that's what Zelda says.

Digi: Thank you.

Digi: Okay, now that they've revived and the pronoun debate is settled, Zelda continues her relative dominance from the beginning. She puts on a couple of flashy, quick hits, and then smashes Wario away without him getting in a fireball or cape in edgewise.

GG: Zelda does a quick Farore's Wind to escape and probably strategize her next move...she looks at the switch on the far left and decides to stomp it it, putting up the ! blocks as normal. Of course, she's not going to find anything in them.

Digi: But it makes for a good last resort if that triple jump wouldn't normally make it back. Anyways, here comes Wario, and he's steaming mad! They meet in midair again, and this time, it's Wario with the advantage as he just boots Zelda into the ground.

GG: But hope is not lost for the Hyrulian princess, as she blasts Wario upward again with a quick shot of magic...but Wario is not done yet. Now he goes to do another of those Tornadoes, and Zelda is swept up in all of it. That's some good timing.

Digi: Yeah, it is. Zelda leaps and gives Wario a great backwards kick! She timed that real well!

GG: Zelda now heads for the middle of the stage and transforms back into Sheik.

Digi: You can see that as of right now, Wario wishes he could pull some better range in his moves. It'd probably help him...that, and not just blindly going all-out at the now Sheik.

GG: Sheik figures she might as well continue to get this done and over with now! She runs back down at Wario and drills him with finesse to spare. However, Wario returns the favor with a smashing headbutt!

Digi: And all of a sudden, Sheik finds an open opportunity while Wario has his back turned to her! She somehow wraps those arms of hers around Wario's stomach and spikes him into the ground with a brilliant throw. Give her some style points!

GG: Wario goes for a couple of fireballs but Sheik doesn't seem to care about being singed at this point.

Digi: Sheik transforms back into Zelda, and just in time, too. Right after the process finishes, Wario swipes her with his cape.

GG: I see a second Bullet Bill and it wants to split the middle of Peach's Castle open! Fortunately, they're still both on the left. Wario leaps once and pulls a nice midair punch on Zelda.

Digi: The Bullet Bill is within seconds of explosion and it looks like neither of them will get the ill effects this time around! It goes boom and neither are in danger, but Zelda continues to attack Wario with ease--a Nayru's Love followed by a strong forward smash!

GG: Wario goes for another roundhouse, which barely connects. Zelda's still a tricky femme in that form. So, what does Zelda do? She picks him up again and flings him into the air! He'll get some good airtime but he's too big to killed by that yet.

Digi: Zelda is looking for the finishing blow on Wario's second life now...she charges a smash but Wario sees that and jumps out of the way of it! He saved that one for a good moment, that's for sure.

GG: Zelda's trying to recover from that miss and Wario launches a couple of fireballs at her.

Digi: Pretty shades of yellow...

Digi: Wario jumps behind Zelda. She has a feeling about this next hit. She hits Wario once to annoy him, and then turns around and skyrockets him towards the left side...

GG: It's tough to knock Wario's frame and easily KO him without a bit of luck or a lot of damage, but Zelda is dealing the damage. Wario gets back safely and Zelda runs in on him! A sweeping attack and Wario's second life is down.

Digi: Zelda does a taunt, which will NOT be interrupted by a Bullet Bill this time; meanwhile, Wario returns to the stage.

GG: Zelda goes back to Sheik mode and uses her reflexes to avoid another Wario Tornado. But, Wario slides in and kicks Sheik around.

Digi: That's more than enough to tick Sheik off for a little bit. She pulls out a bunch of needles and Wario can't escape being stabbed one, two, three, four times!

GG: It's a safe bet that Wario may need a minor miracle to move on to the next round of the tournament. Sheik whips Wario with the chain again!

Wario: Uh-oh! AHHHHHHH! MOMMY! *runs around screaming*

Digi: Oh, Wario is upset now and just crashes into Sheik, sending her flying! This one will take care of her second life, and this fight will go the distance.

GG: And now Wario taunts, rightfully so. Sheik comes back and Wario waits for her invincibility to run out. Wisely, he keeps his distance but he starts to fireball her at the right moment. He gets two of them on her!

Digi: Wario is certainly trying to pull off the comeback here and it may happen. Sheik comes back with a grab and heaves him into the wall in the middle! She starts to leap towards the right hand side now.

GG: Apparently, she wants to fatigue Wario in making him run around the arena. Now it looks like she's gonna fake a suicide! She just jumps off the arena but teleports back without concern.

Digi: It's risky but Wario seems to be a bit confused as to where Sheik wants to go. Seems like she's doing her job.

GG: Both of them landing great blows in this match, but who will get the last one? Wario runs up to Sheik and just lets a smash fly on her! She's sent reeling towards the side wall and bounces hard.

Digi: Sheik transforms back into Zelda one more time...she goes in for a couple of quick hits on Wario. Wario comes back with another swing of the cape but the princess retaliates with another crystal of Nayru's Love, sending Wario back a few feet!

GG: Wario tries running back to Zelda and grabs her. He tosses her up in the air and leaps in with an aerial punch! He has taken the lead.

Digi: He was behind due to taking more damage per life for most of this life but now it's Zelda that has to pull something in the clutch. She heads back down to the opposite end of the castle...

Wario: Need...donuts...and more money...

Digi: She waits for Wario to arrive and hits him with Din's Fire right when he wants to take a breather...insult to injury there, if I say so myself.

GG: Zelda continues to beat up Wario with spell on top of spell and flees with Farore's Wind again.

Digi: Props to whomever wins this, I'll say that. The two meet in the center once again and Wario steps on the ! switch, but Zelda uses that hovering block to trap Wario! He can't jump out of the way of an upward smash and he ricochets off the block.

GG: Wario gives Zelda another Tornado to deal with but Zelda makes revenge with a downward heave to the lower level!

Digi: Looks like Zelda's match to lose now...Wario kicks her up against the wall but he is launched into the air by one of Zelda's flames. She runs off, waiting for him to fall, and right when he does, she grabs him and launches him backwards.

GG: Wario pulls a Jump Punch on her, but as Zelda falls, she returns the favor with another shot of Din's Fire, sending Wario back a long ways.

Digi: He jumps once and his Jump Punch gets him back on the castle, running over that ! switch on the side. Zelda runs after him and takes a quick leap...

GG: She spins around and Wario is sent flying off towards the edge! That one will put it away.

Digi: Alright, that's the fight!

GAME!

THIS GAME'S WINNER, MOVING ON TO THE NEXT ROUND IN THE TOURNAMENT, IS ZELDA!

Digi: Now let's join Navi with the winner.

GG: I don't like how Wario did in that match... I'm leaving to find Wario. (leaves the commentator's box)

***

GG: Wario, you are out of shape! We are gonna dock your pay in half from now on.

Wario: You can't do that!

GG: We can and shall.

Wario: Then I will leave!

GG: You can't LEAVE! Show the clip!

(The clip plays... it is inside Power's office during Season 1, so early it's even before color commentary!)

Just then, Mash Toady, interview extraordinaire and SSB Superpowers worker, brought a surprise guest in. "Powers," Mash started, "I have brought him in."
"Good," Powers said. "Take the rest of the day off."
"Yippee!" Mash exclaimed. And he quickly bolted out of the door.

"Okay," said the mystery person, "Why did you call me?"
"I was told that you can use Mario's moves. Is that correct?"
"I can use his moves, all right. Do you want me to face Mario, mister?"
"Against both Mario & Luigi in a triangle match. If you accept, I'll give you $5,000. But, if you accept, there's a catch: If you wish to not fight again, you must either win or tie with someone in your debut fight. Should you tie, you must win that Sudden Death to not have to fight again. If you lose in either competition, you are permanently a part of the SSB fighting team. Got that?"
"I WANT THE MONEY! GIVE ME! GIVE ME! GIVE ME!"
"Okay, here you go. Just remember the deal. Oh, and by the way, you sure are greedy when it comes to money. I kind of like that in a person."
"No problem, boss. MONEY, MONEY, MONEY! YOU'RE WITH...WARIO NOW! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Wario quickly started to head to his next match-up.
"This is going to be fun working here," Powers said. "I'm going to like it here." Powers smirks an evil smirk.

(The tape ends.)

GG: Your contract with Powers states that you are PERMANENTLY working at SSB Matches which eventually became the Super Smash Stadium!

Wario: I don't care anymore!

GG: We could always destroy one of your many castles.

Wario: I don't even HAVE those castles anymore!

GG: We could get Captain Syrup to join SSS.

Wario: SHE'S the one who took them!

GG: We can always take your money.

Wario: You already did!

GG: We destroyed your vehicle!

Wario: I HAVE A NEW ONE!!! (heads out)

GG: (over the intercom) Knight, Wario's flying the coop. Do whatever you can to stop him.

***

(In the SSS hall, Wario begins running from the Knights of Smashtopia. He is contacting someone on his cellphone.)

Wario: Jimmy, I want to contact everyone, you hear?! Mona, 9-Volt, Dribble, Spitz, Kat, Ana, Crygor, and Orbulon. Hell, Tatanga still owes me a FAVOR! Use the Wario Car and the Wario Bike. My dimwit brother knows where they are. See you. (turns off the Cellphone and pockets it)

***

(Outside the stadium Wario runs out to see a tall bearded man with a blue afro and wearing white disco pants and a red disco jacket next to a motorcycle with Wario's distinct markings.)

Wario: Jimmy T.

Jimmy: Aww, dawg. You messin' with my disco funk time.

Wario: Sorry, Jimmy. This is an emergency. (Wario jumps on the bike and begins driving through the streets of Smashtopia as the knights begin chasing him in jeeps loaned to them from the nation of Blue Moon) I gotta get out of here!

(Suddenly from behind the knights, three vehicles begin throwing various items at the Knight's Jeeps. One is a red scooter driven by Mona, who else. One is a taxi cab driven by an anthropromorphic dog and cat named Dribble & Spitz, respectfully. The last is a purple convertable, the Wario Car. Waluigi is driving and it has four passengers: Jimmy, 9-Volt, and twin girls younger than even 9-Volt... apparently Kat and Ana.)

9-Volt: ^^ This is just like MARIO KART!

Waluigi: Shut up, kiddo and start throwing green shells!

(As 9-Volt throws Green Shells at one of the jeeps, Kat & Ana jump onto another.)

Kat: We must avenge Sir Wario.

Ana: We strike as one.

(Kat & Ana move fast as lightning with their swords unsheathed and jump back onto the Wario Car.)

Blue Moon Soldier: HA! That did nothing. (the jeep he's in drives off the road) OH SNAP!!! (the jeep explodes)

(A monkey jumps out of Mona's scooter)

Mona: Banana Peel! (The Monkey eats a couple of bananas and drops peels onto the road for the jeeps to spin out on.)

(More knights in Jeeps chase Wario and his crew.)

Dribble: Boss, there's too many of them!

Knight: (in one of the Jeeps) Stop in the name of the law!

stop! In the naaaame of loooove!

Spitz: Wario, what do we do?

Wario: Don't worry. You all go up ahead.

(Mona's Scooter, Dribble & Spitz's Taxi Cab, and the Wario Car with Waluigi, Jimmy, 9-Volt, Kat & Ana, go ahead of Wario... somewhere upwind!)

Wario: (slows down his bike as he stands on it) I'VE HAD BURRITOS TODAY!!! >=)

Knight: OH NO!!!

KA-BOOOOOOOOOOM!!!

There goes the ozone layer.

Knight: THE STENCH!!! IT BURNS MY CIRCUITS!!!

Wario: I call that the Wario Waft!

(The Jeeps swerve and crash as Wario and his crew drive off into the sunset towards Diamond City.)

Wario: HAHAHAHA! I just got an idea on how to make me... err, us all some money!