Metal: So, today we have ourselves a match between the Mario Brothers and... Game and Watch... and the Ice Climbers?

SIMBER: Error - Mismatch Detected. Game and Watch and the Ice Climbers have nothing in common.

Metal: Sure they do! They're both.... short?

SIMBER: By that logic, Mario should also be on their team.

Metal: ....Whatever. Anyway, it's a battle for who's the best of the classic 8-bit times!

SIMBER: Then why isn't Samus involved?

(Samus walks in)

Samus: I don't do team battles.

Metal: I always wondered why you weren't named Muffin.

Samus: ... (Punches Metal and walks out)

SIMBER: Knuckle sandwich detected.

Metal: Ow! It was an honest question! (He crosses Samus' name off of a list) Uh.. and now, for those of you wondering why we're here, here's this tape!


(Mario is walking down the hallway to the cafeteria)

Mario: It's-a pasta time!

(Metal walks into the hallway and encounters Mario)

Metal: Hey, it's the second-best jumper!

Mario: Second-best? You-a wrong! I'll-a show you! Metal: Please... Megaman is clearly the best!

Mario: He can-a only jump twice his height! I can-a fly!

Metal: Hah! Even I can fly! That proves nothing.

Mario: Show-a me then!

Metal: All right... (He opens a window) Metal Man awaaaay!!!! (Leaps out the window)

Mario: That's-a third story window!

Metal: But I have... oh no. Ahhhhhh!!!!! (Metal crashes into the ground)

Mario: (Shakes his head) Why must-a all the Super Powers be insane? Ah-a well. (Walks on)

(The Ice Climbers are walking down the hallway. Suddenly, Mario comes around a corner and collides into them.)

Popo: Hey! Get out of our way!

Mario: Never. I'm-a the star of this show! I even-a outsmarted Metal Man! I am-a the original super-star!

Nana: We came first--we're the best of the classics. You're just somebody who took credit for what we started!

Mario: Hmph! I'll-a show you!

Popo: You and what army?

Mario: This-a one!

(Luigi walks in)

Luigi: What's-a the matter now, bro?

Mario: These-a climbers, they want-a to fight us!

Luigi: Let's-a make them pay, then!

Popo: Uh... wait! We're technically counted as one fighter!

Nana: That's right! You can't go teaming up on us like that!

Luigi: But I want to pummel you-a wannabes!

Mario: Then choose-a partner. We don't-a have any time for cowards! And-a don't threaten-us with your sauce-a of doom! That-a only works for one person!

Popo: Hmm... who? Uh... this guy! (Grabs the arm of someone standing in a nearby doorway)

(G&W is dragged in)

G&W: Beep-boop-beep?

Mario: Ha-ha! He-a doesn't stand a chance!

Luigi: You're going-a down in this fight!

Nana: Popo, you dummy! G&W rarely wins, let alone fights!

Popo: I know...

G&W: (Angry Expression) Beep-boop-bop! (Smashes Popo over the head with a hammer)

(Tape suddenly ends, seguing into an episode of Who wants to be a Millionaire)

Regis: For 1 million dollars, you must answer this question! What is the square root of 71,824? A. 268, B. 3.145, C. 88, D. Dominoes Pizza?

VG: Zeeky Boogy Doog!

Regis: That's not an answ--- *BOOOM*

SIMBER: ...What was that at the end of the tape?

Metal: Don't look at me. I borrowed it from H Cuz.


Metal: ....Don't ask. I know too many people.

SIMBER: If that meaningless interruption is all you have to say before the match, then it is time to--

Metal: Ah. But I haven't introduced the arena yet.

(Phoenix Wright wanders into the booth)

Phoenix Wright: OBJECTION! You--

(Metal raises an eyebrow)


Phoenix Wright: OBJECTION!


Phoenix Wright: OBJECTION!


Phoenix Wright: OBJECTION!


Phoenix Wright: OBJEC--AHHHHH!!!!!!

(Phoenix Wright runs out of the booth screaming)

Metal: And don't you come back!

SIMBER: You've already made us late with your meaningless noise-making. Let us start the match.

Metal: Late? No way! We're just... in a different time dimension.

SIMBER: (Rolls eyes) And my mother was a TI-89.

Metal: Okay, let's see.... this button should do it.

(Metal presses a red button)

(Fire Alarms go off; people in the audience scream)

Metal: (Turns that off) No, that isn't it... this one should do it. (Turns a knob)

SIMBER: I don't remember the stage being Big Blue...

(Audience screams, this time even louder, at Big Blue)

Metal: That's my favorite stage! Why should it matter? ...Okay... (Switches the stage back, then presses a final button)

(Insert normal match box, announcing this match is commentated by Metal)

(Audience screams at its loudest in terror)

Metal: ...I just can't win, can I?

SIMBER: Perhaps you should stop pressing random buttons.

Metal: That button wasn't random!

SIMBER: Neither are you.

Metal: (Sighs) Okay, okay... here we go. (Presses the countdown button)


Metal: 2.


Metal: It's Smashin' Time!

SIMBER: Commence Severe Bodily Harm Action.

Metal: I almost forgot! With the stage being the Mushroom Kingdom from Mario's first game, and with items on full power, this match should be amazing!

SIMBER: Or too chaotic to follow.

Metal: That's your problem.

SIMBER: Look! Mario just leapt up and destroyed those blocks under the Ice Climbers!

Metal: What blocks? Oh. ...And Luigi grabs G&W and headbutts while Mario drills him from the air!

SIMBER: Brutal organic violence at its finest.

Metal: I'm not sure how organic they are, but the Ice Climbers only hit Mario once! They're in major trouble! And Luigi's beating on them!

SIMBER: The Portly Plumber stocks up on some food. As items are raining in faster than we can announce.

"Wanted: any robot whose name ends with 'Man' and willing to work in a group of eight. - Dr. Wily"
Ice Climbers
Lives: 3
Lives: 3
Lives: 3
Lives: 3

Metal: Luigi outdoes his brother by eating a Maxim tomato!

Luigi: Hah! Now it's-a my turn to overuse healing items!

SIMBER: But Game and Watch will not have it. He has grabbed a star and is now beating Luigi into the pixellated pavement.

Metal: Mario gets revenge by destroying Nana, though. Talk about cold shoulder.

SIMBER: Ice cold shoulder.

Metal: Silence, you! Only I make jokes!

SIMBER: That wasn't a joke!

Metal: You require a bullet in your head, then!

(A list bullet appear on SIMBER's forehead)

SIMBER: How about that?

Metal: ....D'oh. Anyway, Mario and Luigi are fighting with G&W over some item blocks....

SIMBER: G&W opened the block! It's a Bob-omb! It's exploded!

Metal: And the pixelated period piece goes over the moon!

"Cut down on fossil fuels! Ride Extreme Gear and consume air instead!"
Ice Climbers
Lives: 3
Lives: 3
Lives: 3
Lives: 2

SIMBER: And now they're in the middle... what's going on? I can't see through that Venusaur!

Metal: You're just blind, that's what. Clearly G&W is grabbing a heart container, after having been hit several times by pokemon and a Mr. Saturn.

SIMBER: You cheater...

Metal: (Puts down something resembling a pokedex, which he has set to X-ray vision) What? My Smash Dex DOES have extra modes. And a cheese grater!

SIMBER: BAM! The Ice Climbers are terminated by Luigi... but... what's wrong with him?

Luigi: I can't-a take it anymore! There's-a too many items everywhere! Ahhhhhh!!!

Metal: And Luigi leaps into the pit!

Mario: Mama-mia! (Grabs a mushroom)

SIMBER: Despite being bigger, Mario seems unable to shake the Ice Climbers, who are now beating him with their hammers!

"See the universe! Join the Comet Observatory staff today!"
Ice Climbers
Lives: 3
Lives: 2
Lives: 2
Lives: 2

Metal: And there's some more rapid-fire battling. The fighters leap around and fight for items, but no clear advantage as of yet--even with Mario still on his first life.

SIMBER: The ancient pixel man grabs yet another star!

Metal: What is he, some sort of celebrity?

SIMBER: And the Ice Climbers grab a heart container!

Mario: Not again!


Luigi: Ahhhhhhh!!!! Not-a the items again!

Nana: Watch this! (Nana jumps and... falls down a pit)

Popo: No!

Metal: The Ice Climbers are down a member, and G&W takes down Mario while invincible. Who will win? We still can't be sure.

"If you have any Kryptonite, please contact Lex Luthor. Large reward."
Ice Climbers
Lives: 2
Lives: 2
Lives: 2
Lives: 2

SIMBER: Game and Watch grabs a bomb and chucks it at Mario... but it explodes in his face! He flies off to the side!

Metal: But he's saved by a bunch of blocks.... the Ice Climbers take this time to slap Luigi with their hammers.

SIMBER: They appear incapable of the cruelty to use their ice-based moves.

Metal: Now that's just... a horrible pun. (He drinks some Metal Cola) Ah! What is this? WHAT IS THIS?

SIMBER: What is it?

Metal: Game and Watch has grabbed a THIRD STAR!

Mario: This is-a cheap! You-a bad fighter!

G&W: BEEP!!!

Mario: What did you-a say? I-a smash!

SIMBER: ...And Mario leaps at Game and Watch... only to fall down a pit and lose a life!

Metal: But Game and Watch does not care! He grabs a Warp Star and blows up some blocks!

"Help wanted on Ordon Ranch. Last farmhand ran off to save the world."
Ice Climbers
Lives: 1
Lives: 2
Lives: 2
Lives: 2

SIMBER: The pixel demon knocks Luigi out of the park with his flaming stick!

Metal: I wonder if it comes with insults.

SIMBER: Too late to find out. The Pasta Machine kicks Game and Watch down, destroying another of his lives!

Metal: And the Ice Climbers are also taken down by a furious Mario!

Mario: Eat-a that, item stealers!

Luigi: We-a Brothers Number one!

SIMBER: The Ice Climbers appear and beat around the Mario brothers... Game and Watch appears...oh no! He's fallen into a pit!


"All your trap are belong to me" ~Jinzo
Ice Climbers
Lives: 1
Lives: 1
Lives: 1
Lives: 0

Metal: Only the Ice Climbers are left... and Luigi flies at them...

SIMBER: It is a critical missile attack. Nana is launched into outer space!

Metal: It looks like it's over for team G&W and the Ice Climbers...

SIMBER: Luigi opens a block.. it's a bomb... he goes to attack...

Metal: BLAM! He crashes into the bomb! It's unbelievable! He's flown out of the arena!

"Look Ma, no hands!" ~Barrel Dragon
Ice Climbers
Lives: 1
Lives: 0
Lives: 1
Lives: 0

Mario: I-a shall show you who-a is the greatest!

Popo: You cannot win with popularity alone!

SIMBER: The two beings run at one another...

Metal: They both go to attack...

SIMBER: Mario connects...

Metal: ....But Popo's hammer swing sends him into the pit!

SIMBER: BAM! Mario has lost!

Metal: It's a crazy victory! Crazy bread too!

SIMBER: And to think... all of that in Pi!

Metal: Pie?


Metal: Oh. 3 minutes, 14 seconds.


SIMBER: And now this is where we ask those questions no one answers.

Metal: Ah... but I can make the audience answer them!

(Audience screams)

Metal: Not again! Ahhhhh!!!

(Booth is attacked by fans; Metal fights with them as SIMBER presents questions)

SIMBER: The top ten things you don't want to answer today are...

1. Why did Game and Watch grab so many Stars?
2. Why does Metal go out of his way to argue with fighters?
3. What was the deciding factor in today's match?
4. Who was your favorite Fighter?
5. Who is really the most classic 8-bit character?
6. What is the square root of 71,824?
7. Is it a good idea to have items set to maximum?
8. Is Luigi capable of pulling off a win by himself?
9. When do you think Metal will commentate again?
10. When did you finish reading these questions?

(The sound of gunshots, fighting, and a mob in the background)

Metal: I'm holding them off as much as I can... we better teleport out!

SIMBER: As you wish.

Metal: From the beseiged SSS bunker---err, commentary box, this is Metal Man, reporting out!

SIMBER: Warp activated!

(They warp out)