Match #133

The Question: Who's the fastest?

The Fighters for Big Blue
Sonic Captain Falcon Star Fox


Time: 3 minutes
Items: Bunny Hoods
Item Frequency: Very High

Metal Man: Welcome to another match of Super Smash Stadium. I'm your host, Metal Man.

Metal Man: ...

Metal Man: Where did SIMBER go?

*A 2 by 4 is smashed across the back of Metal Man's head.*

Metal Man: Ow! Who did that? I swear I didn't steal those cookies! My... uhh... evil brother did!

SIMBER: You destroyed the world I came from, you fool. Now I'm doomed to commentate these matches forever!

Metal Man: But at least now no one will try to make you do the Macarena.

SIMBER: . . .

Metal Man: Now then, today's matchup is a question of Who's the Fastest?

SIMBER: I don't know.

Metal Man: ...That's the question. I'm not asking you.

SIMBER: Says you.

Metal Man: *Sigh* Anyway, we have our fighters as Sonic, Falcon, and Fox.

SIMBER: His name is Captain Falcon, not Falcon.

Metal Man: Are you going to be this way the whole fight? Don't make me turn this match around!

SIMBER: You're not worth the pixels of my unrealistically rendered chin.

Metal Man: Good, because those cost me thousands of dollars to have rendered.

SIMBER: ...

Metal Man: Very good money I spent! Just like the money I spent to commentate this match! You know how many other people wanted to do it for me?

* A counter appears on the screen.. it says '0'*

SIMBER: I don't know.

Metal Man: GAH! Stop that! It's rhetorical!

SIMBER: YOU'RE rhetorical.

Metal Man: Er... anyway... here's a video tape showing why this match occurred.

SIMBER: YOU'RE a video tape.

Metal Man: That's it.

* Metal Man stuffs the videotape into SIMBER's face; a video begins playing. *

SIMBER: @#$%!


* Sonic is running around the Stadium at blistering speed, tripping people and blowing around newspapers.

Sonic: Ha-ha! Nobody can catch me, 'cause I'm the fastest thing alive! Yeah!

* Sonic is suddenly stopped by the presence of the only thing fast enough to chase him--Captain Falcon... in his F-Zero car... and they're going down the hallways of the Stadium!

Captain Falcon: You think you're so good? I'll beat you with my F-Zero car!

Sonic: But... you can't drive that in here! Think of the other people who walk down these halls!

* Captain Falcon puts a hand to his chin for a moment, then looks back up.

Captain Falcon: Okay, I'm done thinking about them. Now show me your moves!!!

* F-Zero car takes off, smashing through doors and knocking over trash cans, not to mention starting small fires.

Sonic: I guess I'm going to have to follow him...

* Sonic runs off; both are now racing, mercilessly punting any people or things that get in the way. It just so happens two people are carrying glass.

Waluigi: Ahhh... at last, a job that doesn't involve dancing.

Koopa Kid: Shhh! Someone might notice us and give us something important to do!

Waluigi: But don't we want to be important?

Koopa Kid: No! Then Mario will hit us with flaming baseballs!

Waluigi: Oh... right... ...like that?

*Waluigi points at a pile of baseballs which, an instant later, burst into flame and fly everywhere as Sonic and the F-zero car run them over

Koopa Kid: Yes, just like--wait... what are baseballs doing in the Stadium?

Waluigi: I don't know--wait, that car's headed straight toward us!!!

* Captain Falcon notices the glass

Captain Falcon: Woah! I'm not going to fall for that trick!

*Falcon swerves to the left, hitting Waluigi

Waluigi: Gahhhh!!!

Koopa Kid: Whew.

* Sonic runs over Koopa Kid

Koopa Kid: ....

* The glass is unharmed, but the people holding it are now on the ground, alternatively on fire or with footprints all over them

Sonic: Hey, shouldn't we have just smashed through the glass instead?

Captain Falcon: No! Zer has the copyright to that sort of thing! It'd cost us millions!

Sonic: ...

* They swerve around a corner. Fox is talking on his comms.*

Fox: So, Slippy, next time, don't leave the sink running.

Slippy: But it was only three days!

Fox: Yes. The entire Great Fox became flooded.

Slippy: I just wanted it to be like home...

Fox: You can do that when we're NOT expected to give a tour of it the day afterwards!

Slippy: Right...

Fox: Now, about that other thing...

* Fox looks and sees the hedgehog and F-Zero car flying at him

Fox: What the--

*SMASHHHHH*

* All three are crashed together. Before them are hallways and hallways of burn marks, mayhem, and Waluigi's hat fragments*

* Game Guru walks outside his office and looks like he has a headache.*

Game Guru: *Sigh* If you want to race, do it in a match... and I'm taking this damage out of your salaries.

Sonic: But... but...

Fox: Slippy? Slippy? Slippy? Ow.... my head...

Captain Falcon: Sir, we were only racing indoors with no safety equipment and hitting random innocent bystanders. I cannot believe you'd be outraged.

Game Guru: No buts! No Slippy! No... ...you boggle the mind, Captain Falcon.

Captain Falcon: I demand payment for my time. I need to get back to burning holes in this floor of yours. I receieved a bounty for it, after all.

Game Guru: *now peeved* No! You will all fight... in Big Blue!

Sonic: But I was racing Captain Falcon! Fox had nothing to do with this!

Game Guru: Fox will be in it anyway. Because... ... BECAUSE!

*Game Guru slams his office door, as all three fighters walk off. Fox is still muttering 'Slippy?'...*

*Tape switches to opera*


Metal: No! For the love of god, no! *Shoots SIMBER until the tape dies*

SIMBER: Ow! Gah! Why! *Spits out tape*

Metal: Now... since this is a fast match, we start it NOW!

SIMBER: What? No lead up?


BATTLE START

Metal: Silence! Fox is beating Falcon over the head with his kicks!

SIMBER: Sonic leaps up--and why are you in a hurry? Sonic just stomped on both of them, after all.

Metal: Because I used all our time in that introduc--did you see that? Falcon just kneed Sonic in the midsection and it zapped him! Is that man's knee connected to a power line or something?

SIMBER: No, it's connected to your lack of humor.

Metal: ...

Don't worry, I can cauterize the wound with EXPLOSIONS! - Cmdr Borne
Sonic
Falcon
Fox
Score: 0
Score: 0
Score: 0
19%
15%
8%


SIMBER: The blue punching thing is now punching Fox. Oh wait. Now Fox is punching it. It's like rock 'em Sock 'em animals.

Metal: And now the blue blur misses with a spindash... and Falcon misses with a Falcon Punch!

SIMBER: Mrs. Misses is ashamed of your misuse of her name.

Metal: Curse you and your inability to make good puns! Anyway, Fox is shooting Sonic...

SIMBER: And Fox roundhouse kicks Sonic, and then both Sonic and Captain Falcon, like he should be kicking YOU.

Pluto's Appliances-Your #1 gadget stop in Sinnoh.
Sonic
Falcon
Fox
Score: 0
Score: 0
Score: 0
50%
51%
19%


Metal: And now Sonic misses some more as the cars are going up the loop-de-loop... will the craziness ever end? Will SIMBER ever stop teasing me?

SIMBER: I don't--no. Captain Falcon burns Sonic with his elbow. Sonic nearly bites the dust.

WANTED: Metal Man doppelganger. Last seen destroying entire planet.
Sonic
Falcon
Fox
Score: 0
Score: 0
Score: 0
112%
75%
30%


Metal: Ha-HAH! Sonic kicks Falcon to his doom. You suck!

Banana: High in Vitamin B6. Higher in comedy relief. -Charles Magellean
Sonic
Falcon
Fox
Score: 1
Score: -1
Score: 0
113%
KO
30%


SIMBER: I am afraid I am incapable of that, due to the fact you forgot to give me a real mouth.

SIMBER: Also, Fox is attacking.

Fox: Why did you have to run me over? I have better things to do than fight two maniacs! Take this!

* Fox kicks Sonic; Sonic flies off the top of the stage..

Vote Metal Man for NC Prez! Or he'll 'answer' you!
Sonic
Falcon
Fox
Score: 0
Score: -1
Score: 1
KO
0%
34%


Metal: Wait... did he just send him flying off the top of where they're fighting--the top of the loop... and then into the ground, logically?

SIMBER: Yes. And now Captain Falcon has Bunny Ears.

Metal: Sonic returns, and kicks the bizarre-looking Falcon in the face.

Captain Falcon: Give up! I am taller, stronger, and more blue than you!

Sonic: No way! You're just a freak!

Captain Falcon: I'm gonna run you over if you don't give up!

SIMBER: And now Captain Falcon and Sonic are fistfighting.

Metal: Fox has fallen behind... he's desperately trying to get back to the cars...

Fox: This *jump* is *jump* the *flip* LAST *fire Fox* time I allow myself to be thrown into fights like this!

Falcon: Not so fast!

SIMBER: Captain Falcon leaps out... and... jumps on Fox, sending him to his death?

Captain Falcon: NO ONE BUT FALCON RULES THESE SKIES!

Fox: AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Stop hogging all the ad space, Metal! - Game Guru
Sonic
Falcon
Fox
Score: 0
Score: 0
Score: 0
0%
42%
KO


Sonic: Not so fast, you maniac!

Captain Falcon: You're not going to catch me, Sonic! Watch this Falcon fly!

Metal: Did Falcon just leap away from Sonic and to his death?

SIMBER: Yes.

Metal: What a weirdo.

NEVER!!!111ONEONEXCLAMATIONPOINTSSSSS -Metal Man
Sonic
Falcon
Fox
Score: 1
Score: -1
Score: 0
0%
KO
7%


SIMBER: Fox puts on bunny ears and shoots at Sonic. Then he leaps onto the track...

Fox: See? I'm faster than both of you. Give it a re--... why are your cars flying away from me?

Sonic: You're too sloow!

Metal: Fox is outpaced and dies from his slowness. Go figure.
Captain Falcon stole MY moves! - Kamen Rider
Sonic
Falcon
Fox
Score: 1
Score: 0
Score: -1
32%
20%
KO


SIMBER: Fox is revived. Sonic kicks Captain Falcon. Then... Fox gets kicked onto the track by Sonic again!

Fox: I hate this stage!

Metal: Fox dies again!

No, he stole MY moves! - Ganondorf
Sonic
Falcon
Fox
Score: 2
Score: 0
Score: -2
48%
35%
KO


SIMBER: Sonic and Falcon fight it out in the air. Fox returns, just in time...

Metal: Aaaand the Falcon guy falls to his doom after getting kicked around by Sonic... what are those shoes made of, anyway?

You stole my moves, too! - Kamen Rider
Sonic
Falcon
Fox
Score: 2
Score: -1
Score: -1
75%
KO
8%


SIMBER: Now they're all together and hitting one another very quickly...

Metal: Yeesh. I can't see anything. What about you, Waluigi

* Waluigi enters booth, stares closely

Waluigi: I don't see nothing.

SIMBER: Which means you saw something.

* Metal pushes Waluigi out of the booth*

Metal: What he meant to say is Fox is shooting Sonic again!

SIMBER: Captain Falcon shows off his jumping moves.

Metal: OOH! That's gotta hurt. Sonic gets kicked far by Fox... but he doesn't die!

SIMBER: Wait... Captain Falcon is there...

Captain Falcon: You think you're good, blue punk? Join your friend, the sky! FALCON PUNT!

*Sonic gets kicked into the sky

Sonic: WOAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Metal: ...And Sonic is KO'd again. But he was at 157%...

I claim this ad in the name of America! - Bandit Keith
Sonic
Falcon
Fox
Score: 1
Score: 0
Score: -1
KO
70%
17%


SIMBER: Sonic returns, everyone fights in the same corner atop one car...

Metal: Sonic goes for a stomp, but misses, and leaps back onto a car...

SIMBER: Captain Falcon leaps to the left, and Sonic knocks Fox away.

Metal: Sonic's center stage as he then dons his bunny ears and...

SIMBER: The hedgehog is now outrunning the F-Zero cars.

Captain Falcon: No! You can't do that! You're not a rocket car!

Sonic: Says you!

Fox: Just don't kill me again! I have enough nightmares of hitting the asphault already!

Submit more ads, you lazy bums!
Sonic
Falcon
Fox
Score: 1
Score: 0
Score: -1
23%
105%
95%


Sonic: Forget that! Take this, slowpoke!

*Fox is punched off to the left

Captain Falcon: Hey! You're not supposed to win on my course!

* Falcon stomps on Fox while Fox is mid-air*

Fox: Noooooo....

Metal: Falcon cruelly stomps Fox to his doom! And... then falls after him?

Captain Falcon: Gah!

I would but Thra already stole mine. -Knight9910
Sonic
Falcon
Fox
Score: 2
Score: -1
Score: -1
23%
KO
KO


Sonic: You suck! I'm going to go outrun the cars again!

SIMBER: The hedgehog outruns the cars... then falls short as his bunny ears vanish.

Metal: And... Falcon falls again?

Please donate your used hearts to Organization XIII. -Thra
Sonic
Falcon
Fox
Score: 1
Score: -1
Score: 0
KO
KO
9%


SIMBER: As time runs out... they all fight...

Sonic: You're too slow!

Metal: And Sonic leaves us with an annoying catchphrase as the battle ends.

You're not wearing shorts? What's wrong with you?!
Sonic
Falcon
Fox
Score: 1
Score: -1
Score: 0
33%
22%
36%


THIS GAME'S WINNER IS... SONIC!


Metal: Guess it's time to interview the winner. I'll do that. You go talk to losers, SIMBER.

SIMBER: ...

*Metal Man walks to interview Sonic*

Metal: So, how was it?

Sonic: Annoying! Everything moved! And Fox kept on getting in the way! I just wanted to beat up that insane guy...

Metal: Would you do it again?

Sonic: Maybe if somebody else was commentating.

Metal: Hey!

*Camera switches to SIMBER*

*SIMBER is standing in the loser's area, with Fox and Falcon. Fox is looking beaten up.*

Fox: So many cars... so... many...

SIMBER: So, what did you carbon beings' electrical neuron impulses abstractly generate?

Fox: Huh?

Captain Falcon: Clearly, I needed Smash Balls. Without them, I lacked my car. I needed my car. Sonic needed to be run over. Over and over again.

SIMBER: But... he could have gone super if they were--

Captain Falcon: NO QUESTIONING! I AM ALWAYS RIGHT!

Fox: Huh... huh?

SIMBER: ...Okay, then. Would you do it aga--

Captain Falcon: I'm sorry, I have a bounty to finish.

* Captain Falcon gets in his F-Zero racer and peels out, smashing through SIMBER and Fox

Fox: Arghhh!!!


Metal: As SIMBER has tracks on his face, I think I'll ask questions. Soooo...

Metal: And with that... good night, ladies and gentlemen!

*Captain Falcon runs down cameraman with his car, ending broadcast*