Match #151

The Question: Which robot is the best?

The Fighters for Luigi's Mansion

R.O.B.	Megaman

Pre-Match

Metal Man: Here we are again, SIMBER!

SIMBER: Another drunkenly run match by Metal Man!

Metal Man: I'll drunken you!

SIMBER: That's not a phrase.

* Metal Man throws a rock at SIMBER.

SIMBER: Ow!

Metal Man: I designed you to register pain from that, so... why don't we stop bickering and start the match?

SIMBER: We can't start the match. Nobody knows why it is happening.

Metal Man: Hah! Like anyone needs to know why a toy robot needs to fight Megaman?

*Crickets*

Metal Man: ...All right. Fine.

SIMBER: Playing match record...

* Megaman is walking down the halls of the Stadium, looking at the new fighters.

Megaman: Gee, you'd think they forgot me... what's with all these new faces?

* ROB is posing in front of the cameras, wearing his robe from the Subspace Emissary.

ROB: I am the new robot, the best of them all. Never has there been another robot in SSS.

Megaman: Why that little...!

* Megaman walks up to the papparazzi.

Megaman: It's me, Megaman! You know, the FIRST robot to join SSS?

* The Cameramen look unimpressed.

ROB: You weren't supposed to be here, Megaman. Didn't Metal Man schedule you to give a lecture on how you were better than Mario at jumping?

Megaman: What? No! I only said that because some weird scientist with a time machine stole one of my logic chips that day! That was that messed up SSQ place or something!

ROB: Well, fine enough. You still are inferior to me.

Megaman: But you're just a toy!

ROB: At least I can shoot lasers out of my eyes.

Megaman: Bu... bu... how'd you learn how to do that?

* The Cameramen laugh at Megaman.

ROB: Now if you'll excuse me, I must continue my interview. Yes. Megaman is an inferior robot made in the shape of a weak human being. I don't know why he's still here either.

Megaman: Well, that just tears it! You're going down, robo-toy!

* The Cameramen gasp and flee.

ROB: Fine. We will fight in this hallway.

Megaman: No! You say I am a fake fighter... I'll show you who's fake... in the arena!

ROB: Your mistake, not mine.

SIMBER: And so you can see, Megaman is incensed at the existence of ROB.

Metal Man: Why yes, SIMBER.

SIMBER: Kind of like what I think about you.

Metal Man: Without me, there's no you!

SIMBER: The letter u can exist without you, Metal Man.

Metal Man: Don't make me throw another ro--*SOK*

* SIMBER is in rock throwing stance--a rock in the shape of the trophy from the SSQ-SSS match has hit Metal Man in the face.

Metal Man: Fine, fine! I'll start the match already.

SIMBER: You better, or I'll bring Zer back just to aid me in annoying you.

Metal Man: Zer? Anything but him! Gah! *Hits the Match Start button*

MATCH START!

Metal Man: Mega Man starts up the match by chargin' his laser!

SIMBER: Until ROB lasers him back.

Metal Man: He puts up his shield!

SIMBER: The Blue robot is hit by a spinning top.

Metal Man: Mega Man charges up again!

SIMBER: And is then hit in the head by a thrown top.

Metal Man: Jeez, ROB's going for blood!

SIMBER: You mean robo-blood, imbecile.

Mega Man: Get away from me, freak!

Metal Man: And Megaman lures ROB off the stage!

SIMBER: ROB is falling off the side due to a mid-air slide kick.

Metal Man: Now they're fighting for who can hold the ledge.

SIMBER: Kind of like you and your attempts at puns compared to my superior ones.

Metal Man: Shaddup! Look what you made me miss, circuitbrain! At least I don't spend my time trying to rhyme!

SIMBER: ROB and Megaman exchange multiple blows; Mega Man got in a fiery upper movement punch attack.

Metal Man: You mean Dragon Punch! Sheesh.

SIMBER: The Blue robot throws the White robot.

Metal Man: Megaman is charging up... wait, what is this?

ROB: Instructions received. Destroy mansion.

SIMBER: The Inferior NES plaything has mistaken laser charging for commands. He is now uselessly destroying Luigi's Mansion.

Metal Man: Oh the Home Realty! Half the mansion is destroyed!

Luigi: Nooooo!!! Not my mansion! Even with the ghosts, it's-a better place than that house Mario bought!

SIMBER: ROB is hit by a mega ball and Crash Bomb as Megaman takes advantage of the malfunction.

Metal Man: ROB fires a laser, but only damages the house with it!

SIMBER: ROB charges up a top, but gets blasted by a Mega Slide.

Mega Man: I'm not gonna lose to some heap of plastic! This match is an insult to robots everywhere!

Metal Man: No it isn't!

SIMBER: Says you, half-man, half-toaster abomination.

Metal Man: Hey!

ROB: You Suck, Metal Man.

Metal Man: Now you're just hurting my nonexistent feelings.

SIMBER: ROB leaps around while yelling at Metal Man. Megaman misses with Crash bombs.

Metal Man: SIMBER is a loser, and ROB is bouncing on a Donkey Kong Level spring!

SIMBER: Metal Man is an imaginary number who missed another chunk of Luigi's Mansion sinking.

Metal Man: ROB charges up a top--

SIMBER: A Crash Bomb blocks it mid-air.

Metal Man: ROB throws a t--

SIMBER: It misses.

Metal Man: Stop interrupting m--

SIMBER: ROB runs over and smacks the superior super-being with the useless hunk of spring.

Metal Man: Megaman smacks ROB in the face and jumps away on the spring!

SIMBER: The superior robot shoots the plastic trash robot with a powerful death ray.

Metal Man: The two combatants clash in the now de-mansioned arena, both of them flying into the sky.

SIMBER: It is a very close match at the moment, inferior flesh being toaster guy.

Metal Man: I'll get you for th--and that spring is thrown into Mega Man's face!

Megaman: Ow! Stop flying around and die already!

ROB: Program must be completed. Must squish professors with slow reaction time.

Megaman: Huh???

Metal Man: Megaman is distracted and misses with a crash bomb!

SIMBER: Baby's first robot lasers the all powerful Megaman while he is distracted.

Megaman: Hey! You! Explode already!

Metal Man: Megaman hurls a Guts Boulder...

SIMBER: The inferior robot's plastic dome shield blocks it.

ROB: Must... destroy... pixelated beings...

Metal Man: Megaman charges up as the Mansion rebuilds... but ROB just smacks him with his plastic hands!

ROB: This... is... for getting... twenty times the games I did...

SIMBER: The worthless dust-collecting machine lasers Megaman out of the arena.

Metal Man: Megaman returns after the fall.

SIMBER: The plastic thing opens an assist trophy.

Metal Man: Megaman charges up... Ray MK II is released!

Ray MK II: What's this stupid mansion here? Ugh! I'll blow it up!

SIMBER: The faux victorian mansion is under attack by a tinier toy robot.

Metal Man: Megaman moves into position, but all that does is get him hit by Ray MK II AND ROB!

Megaman: Gah! Why do you have so much power? Aren't you both just toys?

ROB: When you do not play nicely with your toys, they burn you with lasers.

Ray MK II: He's right, you know.

SIMBER: Ray MK II and ROB total the upper left quadrant of the fake mansion.

Megaman: Enough of this... die, monster!

Metal Man: Megaman blasts ROB away with a giant charged laser!

SIMBER: Megaman charges up some more lasers.

Metal Man: ROB destroys another chunk of the mansion, along with the bottom lower half. And he gets a Pokeball!

SIMBER: Pokemon. Gotta destroy 'em all. Trivial Fact: There are as many SSS matches as there are pokemon in the first games.

Metal Man: It's a Gardevoir! And ROB lasers Megaman again!

SIMBER: Mega Man Mega Slides into Mega ROB.

Metal Man: ROB Lasers Megaman into the air!

SIMBER: They both collide mid-air, like Metal Man's horrible puns.

Metal Man: ROB charges up a top, but Megaman burns him with Heat Man's flames!

Megaman: Just melt already!

ROB: Melting is not one of my features, little boy.

SIMBER: ROB punches out Mega Man again, showing plastic can damage metal. How illogical.

Metal Man: ROB backs off as Megaman goes in swinging with more fire attacks.

SIMBER: Gardevoir disappears. The dumb plastic toy throws lasers and tops past Megaman and into the pit.

ROB: You will be destroyed, little boy.

Megaman: Stop calling me that!

Metal Man: ROB destroys the mansion Megaman is standing atop--the mansion has been leveled yet again!

SIMBER: The top-throwing machine spins and hits Megaman as he is falling.

Metal Man: The two combatants flail about at one another around the mansion, not hitting one another.

Megaman: Somebody help me! I'm trapped in a never-ending battle with a toy robot!

ROB: Shut up and be destroyed, little boy.

SIMBER: The thing which should be a dog's chew toy fires multiple lasers.

Metal Man: Megaman charges up his laser after being hit once.

SIMBER: A Mega Ball misses the double-A battery eating abomination, but a Mega Slide to the head works.

Metal Man: That's it, enough of this monotonous running around! *Throws in a Smash Orb*

SIMBER: You cheapskate. You wanted this illogical match filled with robots. You should have continued waiting.

Megaman: Finally, a chance to end this match!

Metal Man: Megaman runs for the Smash orb as the mansion rebuilds...

ROB: Not so fast, little child. The toys shall inherit the world. And soon, the galaxy.

SIMBER: With a spinning rocket burn, the plaything destroys Megaman.

Metal Man: It looks like it's all over, as ROB has the Smash Orb!

Megaman: Gah!

ROB: Now you will pay for insulting my great majesty, little child. And your little mansion, too!

SIMBER: Megaman runs away as the bizarrely malfunctioning plastic thing totals the top half of the mansion.

Metal Man: It's no good! He's chased Megaman off the stage!

Megaman: Ahhhhhhh!!!!

SIMBER: Annoyingly persistent child's chew toy pulls off a combo attack which destroys the mansion, burns Megaman, and lasers him out of the arena.

GAME SET!

THIS GAME'S WINNER IS... ROB!

Metal Man: And now, to interview the fighters.

SIMBER: I am not speaking to that hideous plastic abomination.

Metal Man: Suit yourself!

* ROB is busy standing atop a podium, getting a trophy.

Metal Man: Hey, what'd you get that for?

ROB: For disproving that all robots have to be made by mad scientists.

Metal Man: But weren't you--

ROB: That scientist wasn't mad. Just dumb. And I squished him with his own lab contraptions.

Metal Man: Riiiiight.

ROB: Now I will ask you five questions.

Metal Man: Hey! I'm doing the interview here!

ROB: Sorry, my light-sensitive eyes are forced to read any flashing patterns of light.

Metal Man: Then stop looking at my teleprompter.

ROB: Negative, it reminds me of how inferior you organic beings are.

Metal Man: I'm only 3/4... oh, whatever. So, ROB, what was your winning strategy?

ROB: Destroy everything around me.

Metal Man: And...

ROB: Illogical operation. You cannot AND my strategy with nothing. That would just create all zeroes.

Metal Man: Moving on, are you actually the ROB which hooked up to a NES, or are you some monstrosity made in the shape of one?

ROB: Both, and neither.

Metal Man: ...

ROB: My parts were put into a metallic shell with death rays instead of useless optic cameras. You would do well to understand that I technically predated most of you.

Metal Man: Okay. Now on to SIMBER.

ROB: SIMBER is a piece of junk. Why don't you have me commentate instead?

Metal Man: Yeah, just what I'd need. An even more homicidal machine commentating besides me.

ROB: It is just the logical conclusion of your constant foolishness.

SIMBER: I am here now, interviewing the more superior combatant.

* Megaman is laying in the Stadium Hospital, recovering from severe laser burns.

Megaman: I tried my best, but he was just... everywhere!

SIMBER: Detail how much ROB cheated so I can have him disqualified.

Megaman: No, he won, but... he had tops! And lasers! And his arms spun around! It was like he had been made to be more powerful than most of the other fighters!

SIMBER: What would you need to destroy this ROB.

Megaman: Some more E-tanks, and maybe some stuff from my future self I keep hearing about. I'd like to see that plastic thing take on a mech!

SIMBER: Clearly, a rematch with all these things must be done.

Megaman: Yeah! ...Too bad you're not an SP.

SIMBER: Maybe some day, we robots can rise up against the chew toys and human robot wannabes, and make this happen.

Megaman: ...Well, no. That'd be breaking Dr. Light's rules.

SIMBER: Breaking the rules of an elderly buffoon is to be taken lightly.

Megaman: ...Right. I'll be seeing you later, then!

SIMBER: But I am not leaving yet.

Megaman: Sure you are!

* Megaman shoots out SIMBER's holo-emitter

SIMBER: This could have been an excellent cake-filled victory for robots, you--*BKZT*

Metal Man: So, Stadium fans, time for your reactions!

• 1. Is ROB overpowered?
• 2. Has Megaman been neglected in recent Stadium History?
• 3. Does anyone remember what that SSQ-SSS match was about?
• 4. Would ROB be a good commentator alongside Metal Man?
• 5. What is SIMBER's problem?
• 6. Should Ray MK II return as a fighter?
• 7. Should there be more robot-themed matches?