Match 157

The Question: Who is the best eater?

The Fighters: Yoshi vs. Kirby vs. Dedede vs. Wario
The Arena: Yoshi's Island (Brawl)
Item Ratio: Medium (Food only)
Lives: 2

Metal Man: Heeelllo everybody! Today we have one heck of a match! It's... it's...

SIMBER: It's you, versus trying to figure out what to say to announce this match.

Metal Man: Hey! I spent good money on the projector you use!

SIMBER: It was a poorly made import stolen from somewhere in Hong Kong.

Metal Man: ...

SIMBER: Today will be the battle of the fighters who eat the disgusting human comestibles we all know and loathe.

Metal Man: ...

SIMBER: In the "Should Be Extinct" corner, we have Yoshi.

Metal Man: Then there's the pink puffball, Kirby.

SIMBER: And the superior clone of Mario, Wario.

Metal Man: And there i--

King Dedede: ME! KING DEDEDE! THERE'S ME! AND NONE OF THESE OTHER GUYS!

* Metal Man and SIMBER turn to see Dedede in the announcer's booth

SIMBER: You are supposed to be on the stadium, improbably fat penguin fool.

King Dedede: What? No! I'm the king! You're just my pawns!

Metal Man: ...Look, we already had a fight related to who ruled the Stadium once. And then another time involving Rex. And then another time involving Tabuu. So get outta here and fight!

King Dedede: No! You're gonna do MY match now!

SIMBER: Leave or I will begin playing Bubsy 3D at Maximum Volume, while reading BOTVGH in a strange voice.

King Dedede: ...I'll just be going now!

* Door slams as Dedede runs away

Metal Man: What was that all about, SIMBER?

SIMBER: Don't act like I haven't been watching the last five years. There are worse things than King Dedede out there. Why in fact we should show th--

Metal Man: Show the DVD for the match! Yeah!

* Metal Man picks up a BETA tape and hurls it at SIMBER

SIMBER: OW! That's not even the tape! That's a copy of I Love Lucy, you idiot!

Metal Man: Shutup, Fred, I think we're in for one doozy of a tape.

* Kirby and Yoshi are eating at a Stadium buffet, at an event to honor VG Warrior, of all people.

Kirby: Mmmph mpph mmmph.

Yoshi: Yoshiii!!!

Kirby: *Opens mouth to say something*

???: STOP RIGHT THERE!

* Kirby and Yoshi look at the mysterious figure

???: That's right... it's me... KING DEDEDE!

* Lights dim, Dedede makes an ominous face.

Yoshi & Kirby: ....

King Dedede: And I'm the king of the eaters 'round here, chumps! So get outta the way an--

* A Waddle Dee carrying a spotlight falls from the ceiling and hits Dedede on the head

* Kirby and Yoshi snicker

King Dedede: What's so funny? Can't a man, er, penguin have a little technical difficulty in peace? Why I oughta--

* A loud motorcycle noise blanks out what Dedede is saying. He turns around to look out the door and see what's up, when none other than Wario's motorcycle smacks him into a wall.

Yoshi: *Surprised screech*

King Dedede: Gah! What in tarnation?

* King Dedede slowly removes himself from a pile of food.

Wario: It's me, Wario! And you're gonna give ME all this food!

King Dedede: No I'm not! I'm gonna pummel your face in, punk!

Yoshi: *Kicks Dedede over*

Kirby: *Eats all the food while they're busy arguing*

Wario: Wah? I thought only Dedede would be here! That's no fair! And... the food's already gone? Bah! I challenge you all to a battle!

King Dedede: Now wait one second here, I'm the King! I decide what happens!

Wario: No you don't! You're not the King of the Stadium! Now get ready, I'mma gonna thrash you in this battle!

Yoshi: *Sighs*

SIMBER: What? Doesn't Kirby and Yoshi talk?

Metal Man: To be honest, I don't know. I just found this tape on the ground.

SIMBER: That's that same I Love Lucy tape, you dumb machine. I mean the tape with...

Metal Man: I'm not so sure about that, Fred.

SIMBER: ...

* SIMBER smashes a surfboard over Metal Man's helmet

Metal Man: Ow!

SIMBER: Now let's start the match, since you aren't going to tell us whether or not Kirby or Yoshi talk.

Metal Man: Sure I a--

SIMBER: THREE.

Metal Man: Now that's not fair.

SIMBER: TWO.

Metal Man: I already gave the Questers a countdown, that was good enough!

SIMBER: ONE.

Metal Man: Fine, be that way. *Turns to mike*

SIMBER: PREPARE TO BECOME BATTLE-FATIGUED, OVERLY FOOD-CONCERNED MORTALS.

Metal Man: Yoshi is on the left, while Kirby is on the top-most platform.

SIMBER: And King Dedede on the right side of that platform, and Wario on the far right.

Metal Man: The two sides run at one another, since it appears Kirby and Yoshi don't have much of a feud with one another.

SIMBER: Kirby kicks Dedede in the gut, knocking him backwards.

Metal Man: Yoshi... ...flies up and headbutts Dedede as well!

SIMBER: ...Wario uppercuts Dedede, and also hits Yoshi in the process.

King Dedede: Ow! Hey! Gah! Look, I'm the King, leave me alone!

Wario: You're the king... of gettin' hit by my fists! Ha-ha!

SIMBER: Dedede gets some revenge, courtesy of flailing around in the air. He knocks the mob aside. Well, except for Kirby.

Metal Man: Kirby eats Dedede, and spits him out into Wario! That's gotta hurt... sort of.

SIMBER: Yoshi is busy off to the side, eating some food to repair his battle damage.

Metal Man: Kirby sees Yoshi eating the food, and then uses the power he got from Dedede on him!

SIMBER: Then Dedede hits Kirby over the head with a big ol' hammer.

Metal Man: Wario bum-rushes into them all, hitting Kirby and Dedede!

SIMBER: Yoshi leaps over all of them and to the other side.

Metal Man: Wario, Kirby, and Dedede get into a big fist-fight!

SIMBER: It's technically a fin, glove, and fist fight, you know.

Metal Man: Wario throws Kirby aside, onto one of the little hill platforms that stick up for only a little time!

SIMBER: Yoshi rolls into Dedede with his egg tumble attack.

Metal Man: Wario grabs some more food while this goes on.

SIMBER: Kirby climbs back over and stone drops--oh, he missed.

Metal Man: Dedede recovers and inhales Yoshi, then shoots him into Kirby--for no damage!

SIMBER: Wario bites Kirby the minute he pops out of stone form.

Metal Man: While Dedede continues on his rampage, by charging up his hammer and SMASHING Kirby away! That's gonna hurt!

SIMBER: Kirby is trying to recover, again...

Wario: Not so fast, puffball!

Metal Man: What is that--Wario just smacked into Kirby with his motorcycle, then kicked him into the pit!

King Dedede: Good work, Wario! Now just fall in there yourself!

SIMBER: Yoshi hits Dedede in the face with a head-smash attack, then traps him in an egg.

Metal Man: Wario returns, and picks a fight with Yoshi. Yoshi throws him into Dedede's egg, however.

SIMBER: Dedede pops out and stomps on Wario while he's doing that.

Metal Man: As Kirby is returning, Yoshi does his Yoshi drop thing on both Wario and Kirby--oh... there goes Wario... bad choice, trying to use that motorcycle to recover.

SIMBER: Another stupid organic trick; Kirby gets in multiple hits and beats up Dedede, as Dedede has not the sanity to avoid the temporarily invincible puff.

Metal Man: Yoshi takes out Dedede with another Yoshi drop!

SIMBER: The returning Wario isn't as grateful. He goes on an offensive, punching, farting, and throwing Yoshi all over the place.

Metal Man: Yoshi tries to hit back, but Wario rams his motorcycle into him!

Wario: No one just-a defeats me! Take this!

Metal Man: What... he just hurled his motorcycle into Yoshi's face, then ate the wreckage?

SIMBER: Speaking of eating, Kirby has already eaten an entire crateload of comestibles, and Dedede deprived him of a second container by inhaling it whole.

King Dedede: Mmmm... plastic...

Metal Man: Yoshi runs over and disturbs Dedede by flutter-kicking him around the place.

SIMBER: And Kirby runs into the flutter jump too.

Metal Man: Dedede gives Yoshi a Gordo and a Waddle Dee to fight with. Naturally, the spikes on the Gordo don't feel good to Kirby, either.

SIMBER: Wario eats some food on the side.

Metal Man: Then gets hit with a lobbed container from Dedede, which explodes.

SIMBER: Dedede is once again the punching bag, as all three gang up on him, even though they wind up hitting one another in the process.

Metal Man: Dedede inhales Yoshi and throws him aside, then rocket-hammers Wario. But Kirby gets a stone drop on him, and he's flyin', folks!

King Dedede: You'll regret this! I'm the King around here! Ahhhhhhh--- *PING*

SIMBER: But Dedede is not down, he is returning.

Metal Man: Just in time to see Kirby turn on Yoshi and burn him off the stage!

Yoshi: Yoshiiiiiiii!! *POOM*

Wario: Ha-hah! Loser!

SIMBER: Dedede smashes into Wario, then begins brutally kicking him around the place.

Metal Man: Kirby copies himself a new power, by inhaling Wario. He then bites that Dedede with his newly gained choppers!

SIMBER: Yoshi returns, and uselessly eats comestibles.

Metal Man: Wario lobs a box into the back of Dedede's head, knocking him aside.

SIMBER: Dedede leaps onto the small cloud on the left, while Yoshi and Kirby flipper-and-face fight.

Metal Man: Wario punches Kirby aside. Dedede catches him in the air... BAM! He's gone!

King Dedede: Told ya you'd regret this, durn Kirby!

SIMBER: Unfortunately for him, Wario has decided to summon and throw his motorcycle into his face...

Metal Man: But Dedede just eats the motorcycle, then flies onto the stage with minimal time to spare!

SIMBER: It is near the copper part of the wire when Yoshi head-smashes Wario and hurls an egg into Dedede.

Metal Man: Dedede picks up Yoshi and throws him aside, but Yoshi traps him in an Egg!

SIMBER: Wario eats lots of useless food.

Metal Man: Dedede pops out and hurls Yoshi again, this time onto the right-most platform!

SIMBER: Wario defeats Shyguys carrying more food.

Metal Man: Dedede has Yoshi on the ropes now--he's beating him up in the air by spinning around and such!

SIMBER: Yoshi is almost... no. Yoshi uses his drop attack. Dedede is sent off the stage.

King Dedede: No! Not when I was about to-- *POOM*

Metal Man: Wario doesn't seem to care much for theatrics. He chucks a box into Yoshi, then leaps to the side and begins aerial fighting him.

SIMBER: The two are neck and longer-neck...

Metal Man: But Wario's got too much energy from that food!

Yoshi: *Shrill whistle*

SIMBER: Wario bites Yoshi once they get on the platform... then right-hand-smashes him off the stage!

Wario: Wa-ha! I'm the winner now!

THE WINNER IS... WARIO!

Metal Man: So, that was definitely food-filled, right SIMBER?

SIMBER: Your face should be food-filled sometime too. I lack the necessary pie equation though.

Metal Man: ...

SIMBER: I will interview the winner, you loser.

Metal Man: Whatever you say...

*At the side of the arena, with Wario

Wario: Wa-ha! that was hard, but I'mma number one!

SIMBER: So are you literally the number one?

Wario: ...What's the matter with you, weird robot? Are you a pirate or something?

SIMBER: No, although I am technically pirated software.

Wario: Just as long as you aren't related to Captain Syrup, you're fine. And don't touch my gold, or turn it into weird animated monsters, or I'll head-smash you!

SIMBER: I don't do those things... anymore.

Wario: So, don't you ask the winner questions?

SIMBER: Your victory was self-evident. Enjoy your victory. *Vanishes*

Wario: Whaaa....

*At the locker room exit, with the losers

Metal Man: So... what's it like to be chewed on by a man who eats nothing but garlic?

King Dedede: Shaddup! I am the King! I don't speak of such things!

Yoshi: *Sigh*

Kirby: *Eats a Maxim tomato*

Metal Man: And do you actually talk?

King Dedede: What do you think I'm doing, dummy?

Yoshi: *Opens mouth to speak--*

* Captain Falcon's F-Zero car flies down the hallway, knocking Metal Man away

Metal Man: Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!

Captain Falcon: Oh no. I have hit a pedestrian inside a no-car zone. What an unusual thing to happen. I will have to not tell Game Guru.

Kirby: *Facepalms... er... Face-fins*

SIMBER: So, now that you have seen that spectacle of madness, here are irrelevant useless questions.