Match #159

The Question: Which unarmored futuristic human is the best?

Metal Man: It's that time again.

SIMBER: Time to change your dead batteries out.

Metal Man: No, time to battle!

SIMBER: I can defeat you in battle any time, Metal Man.

Metal Man: No you can't! I have super rocket powers!

SIMBER: We'll see about that, inferior polysillicon being.

The Fighters for Stadium Announcement Booth
SIMBER Metal Man

Stock: 1 life
Items: None
Music: None
Final Destination: None

*Captain Falcon walks in and takes a separate seat.


Metal Man: You're going down, talking thing!

Captain Falcon: Aaaand Metal Man rips out the microphone from his console and beats SIMBER with it! But he misses with his weird sword that he pulled out of thin air! That's gotta hurt!

SIMBER: Your analog aiming system is rubbish. Prepare to be demolished.

Captain Falcon: SIMBER fires a massive beam! But it misses too!

Metal Man: No, no, no! This is how you do it, you stupid machine!

Captain Falcon: What... is Metal Man glowing oddly? What could that b--


SIMBER: Severe damage taken. System malfunction.

Captain Falcon: YOWZA! He just blasted a giant hole in SIMBER with that huge red beam he fired! And then he shot a jagged crystal into SIMBER's face!

ERROR: This isn't an official match!
Metal Man
Stock: 1
Stock: 1

SIMBER: You want to fight blue with red? Then I will connect the dots and eliminate you with my chess algorithms. System defragmented--proceeding to throw out garbage.

Metal Man: Argh!

Captain Falcon: And SIMBER just threw Metal Man into the ceiling, head first!

Metal Man: You'll pay for this! Rocket jets engage! MAAACH PUNCH!

Captain Falcon: Wait... is he stealing my Falcon Kick... and using his fist instead of his foot? I'll have to deal with him after this is over. NO ONE COPIES THE FALCON!

SIMBER: Ha ha. All you did was smash into a cabinet.

Metal Man: Gah! Curse you!

Captain Falcon: All his rocket-arm did was launch him into a cabinet... and now SIMBER is firing at him with that beam again!

Metal Man: OW!

Captain Falcon: It was a perfect hit! Metal Man takes another ton of damage!

ERROR: Illegal arena choice.
Metal Man
Stock: 1
Stock: 1

Metal Man: I'll make you pay this time! Take this!

Captain Falcon: Metal Man takes out a golf club, and... is that Game Guru at the door?



Game Guru: What in the name of Zer is going on here?

*Metal Man smashes a television screen with a burning golf club, thrown off by GG's appearance.

SIMBER: We were having a Smash. Instead of Falcon and Snake. But it was Super, and inside a Stadium. I assure you.

Game Guru: No! The battle is between Falcon and Snake, not between you two!

Metal Man: Uh... it's not my fault! HE started it!

*Metal Man points at Falcon.

Game Guru: Falcon? Is this true?

Captain Falcon: I only sat here and commentated on them, not bothering to notify you or tell them our match was about to start. So of course not.

Game Guru: What? No, you're not going to trick me this time, Falcon! You're going to fight Snake, or else... ...I don't know. Just fight him already!

*A box in the background flies over Game Guru's head, as Snake shoves him aside.

Snake: Yes, that would be a good idea. You're a danger to yourself and others, Falcon. Why don't you just surrender and make it easy on yourself?

Captain Falcon: The easy way is the stupid way. It's not a true race OR battle without the option of brutally destroying your opponents!

Metal Man: Should we say anything, SIMBER?

SIMBER: Shut up before I install Microsoft Bob into your suit, tinhead.

Snake: Well, let's get to the arena then.

Captain Falcon: No.

Snake: What?

Captain Falcon: I will fight you here. This area is appropriate.

*Game Guru hurls the box off of his head.

Game Guru: It most definitely is NOT! Go and fight in the arena before I call security on you, Falcon!

SIMBER: Actually, I want to see them fight in here now. It would be an amusing organic thing to do.

Game Guru: You aren't the head in here, SIMBER! I don't even know how you got in here, either. So let's do it by the rules or--

*SIMBER launches Game Guru into the ceiling and gets him stuck there.

SIMBER: I can repair the damage done afterwards.

Metal Man: This is completely insane, SIMBER!

SIMBER: Why are you of all people questioning my sanity?

Metal Man: ...Touchè.

Captain Falcon: I am ready to fight. Are you?

Snake: This is... completely insane.

The Fighters for Stadium Announcement Booth
Solid Snake Captain Falcon

Stock: 1 life
Items: None
Music: None


Captain Falcon: The crowds will just have to watch us on the jumbo-tron.

Snake: Fine, I'll fight you here, but only because you are a menace to society. Your races kill hundreds of innocent people every year!

Captain Falcon: It isn't my fault that I choose to race inside highly populated corridors of buildings with vehicles that go over 1000 miles per hour.

Snake: I'm not dumb like the others. I'm not going to just let you say something like that--I'm going to defeat you, here and now!

SIMBER: And the combatants start out by trash talking one another. It doesn't do much damage, though.

Metal Man: I can't see anything. I smashed a burning golf club into my television.

Captain Falcon: Faaalcon DENY!

SIMBER: And Falcon manages to punch Snake right in the face with a fist full of lies!

Metal Man: But Snake is quick to get up and start using his C...Q... what is it he uses for a fighting technique again?

SIMBER: I can't recall. You blew up that part of me that remembered it.

Metal Man: Well, all I know is he's throwing Captain Falcon into the wall!

ERR--Emergency Override Activated. Displaying ads.
Solid Snake
Captain Falcon
Stock: 1
Stock: 1

Captain Falcon: You will have to throw harder to defeat me! I experience several times the G forces in my F-Zero vehicle!

Snake: How can anyone survive that? Are you cybernetically augmented or something?

Captain Falcon: Falcon IGNORE!

SIMBER: And Falcon just uppercutted Snake into the ceiling!

Metal Man: He has got to stop listening to what Falcon says. It just isn't worth it.

SIMBER: Snake throws a grenade and Falcon punches it. That's got to damage his worthless organic experience for sure.

Metal Man: Falcon leaps into the ceiling and Falcon kicks down--but Snake fires a mortar into it! Both are injured!

SIMBER: Captain Falcon falls down--then he Rising Falcon Uppercut Fire Attack Things Snake into the fire sprinklers!

WANTED: Sword of Light. Inquire within. ~SSQ Stadium Mngmt
Solid Snake
Captain Falcon
Stock: 1
Stock: 1

Metal Man: This is going to end quickly at this rate!

SIMBER: Not quite. There are miles of ceiling to go through, tinhead.

Metal Man: ...Oh yeah...

Captain Falcon: How is the high life suiting you, Snake?

Snake: You should know not to give the enemy the high ground, Falcon.

SIMBER: Snake just dropped some C-4 onto Falcon's face and detonated it!

Metal Man: ...I need more attacks like that.

Captain Falcon: Falcon REVENGE!

SIMBER: Falcon has leapt up into the ceiling and begun various aerial attacks! Snake dodges a few, but gets clipped by some... now Snake is beating up Falcon with a piece of the ceiling, like it's a beam sword!

Metal Man: I'm having a hard time seeing anything, they're pretty high up in the ceiling now...

Only YOU can prevent the galaxy from exploding! Collect Star Bits today!
Solid Snake
Captain Falcon
Stock: 1
Stock: 1

Snake: You talk loud, but you can't keep it up. At this rate you'll go down, just like Big Boss.

Captain Falcon: Never question the power of my obnoxious screaming!

SIMBER: Falcon just side-smash-attacked Snake through a good 20 feet of ceiling. How amusing.

Metal Man: But Snake has a backup plan! He's attacking back with a remote-control rocket launch!

SIMBER: Falcon dodges it and goes in for the kill...

Metal Man: ...Game Guru falls on top of Falcon!

Game Guru: ...You... maniacs! This isn't an arena!

Captain Falcon: A bounty hunter like me doesn't have time to listen to logic like that.

SIMBER: Game Guru dodges a grab attempt from Captain Falcon!

Metal Man: Looks like he's called Stadium security, too.

SIMBER: Now Snake is over there, punching Falcon while he's distracted!

Metal Man: You ever think we should do something about this, SIMBER?

SIMBER: Silence! Carnage involving thrown fire sprinklers has occurred to Falcon!

WANTED: Captain Falcon, dead or alive. ~Samurai Goroh
Solid Snake
Captain Falcon
Stock: 1
Stock: 1

Metal Man: Toads with beam swords have shown up to arrest Falcon.

SIMBER: Falcon just Falcon Kicks them away!

Game Guru: Bah! Why did I even hire these people? They can't take down Falcon... they can't take down Tabuu... they can't take down Giga Bowser... they may as well not exist!

Snake: Oh, I have a use for them.

Metal Man: Snake throws the Toad security officer into Captain Falcon!

Captain Falcon: You! Argh!

SIMBER: The Arghing man slides down the hallway and through a display case of old trophies.

Metal Man: Captain Falcon throws an old trophy at Snake's head! It connects!

SIMBER: Snake leaps at Falcon and hits him back into the trophy case!

Captain Falcon: Give up. Fighting in the hallways is my ability.

WANTED: Job for Ex-Final Boss Kremling. ~K. Rool
Solid Snake
Captain Falcon
Stock: 1
Stock: 1

Snake: I've fought enemies like you. They all had names involving animals and strange powers. But in the end, they all lost, due to their unique weaknesses.

*Snake turns on the communicator.

Snake: Otacon! I need to finish off this one... Captain Falcon. Tell me what to do!

Otacon: Whoa, the F-Zero racer? Are you serious?

Snake: I don't have time! He's about ready to hit me with his fire-based punch again!

Otacon: That guy's not a pushover, Snake. And if you really are fighting him in an unlicensed part of the stadium, you'll have almost no way of knocking him out of the arena.

Snake: There must be something.

Otacon: Hm... they say Falcon cannot back down from any F-Zero challenge, no matter how ridiculous it is. Once, he wore a strange mask and pretended to be someone else just because an old man dared him to do so.

Snake: That's it! Thanks, Otacon!

Metal Man: Why did time freeze while he did that?

SIMBER: I detect something to do with Psycho Mantis' last encounter with Snake.

Metal Man: Psycho who?

SIMBER: Quiet, tinhead! Snake is approaching Falcon!

Captain Falcon: What'll it be, Snake? A launch through the ceiling, or death by F-Zero car running you over?

Snake: If you're so tough, you'll be able to ride your F-Zero car through the glass of the announcer's booth, then come back in mid-air! If you can do that, you win this match.

Captain Falcon: Hmph! That is an insane and suicidal challenge, you won't fool me. I'll do it, twice over!

SIMBER: Otacon's strategy has worked.

Metal Man: But will it solve his other life issues?


Metal Man: I just have to wonder, sometimes.

SIMBER: Falcon has his racer in the hallway!

Metal Man: The Stadium police are chasing it!

Captain Falcon: You can't catch me. I'm Captain Falcon!

*Captain Falcon's racer smashes outside the window and, against all belief, actually turns around to re-enter the announcer's booth.

SIMBER: I cannot believe it. The F-Zero Racer really can fly.

Metal Man: Looks like Snake is doomed!

Snake: Not quite.

*Snake presses the detonator.

SIMBER: The F-Zero car is exploded! ...By C-4!

Snake: I made sure to plant that before the match.

Metal Man: ...And Falcon is now falling to defeat... ironically, over the Final Destination arena, which he was actually supposed to fight in.

Captain Falcon: How dare you make me lose in the arena after breaking all of those rules. I will destroy you in time, Snake!

NC/SSS Mach 2 has ended! See NC for details.
Solid Snake
Captain Falcon
Stock: 1



SIMBER: So, I will interview the winner. Again.

Metal Man: And I will hope VG, er, GG, doesn't fire us all!

*SIMBER moves 2 feet to where Snake is.

SIMBER: What is it like to have committed aerial vehicular homicide?

Snake: I've done weirder things in my life. Why didn't you force him to use the arena?

SIMBER: I had reprogrammed it so that holograms of the Green Ranger and Sephiroth would fight one another in it. Had you entered it before I finished de-programming it, you would have been sliced into various small pieces.

Snake: Ah... thanks?

SIMBER: This bi-annual winner-host questionathon has finished. Now to Metal Man.

*Metal Man is at the Stadium holding cell, holding a microphone over to a very damaged Captain Falcon.

Metal Man: Welcome, to this episode of F-Zero TV! Today, I risk my life to interview the loser, Captain Falcon!

Captain Falcon: You're not that TV host guy! You don't have the stupid outfit he has!

Metal Man: ...Sadly, you are correct. So, what is it like, being fined thousands of coins for destroying the announcer's booth and priceless trophies?

Captain Falcon: I make more than twice all of that money in one F-Zero race. I would gladly do it again.

Metal Man: What about people who think you're acting rather strange here, given your heroic actions on the F-Zero circuit?

Captain Falcon: Every hero needs to blow off steam sometime. Just feel lucky I'm only hitting convicted felons and hitmen instead of innocent people.

Metal Man: But what about the innocent people you HAVE hit here?

Captain Falcon: FALCON... CAMERAPUNCH!

*The Camera explodes.

SIMBER: Given that my arch-rival, er, partner is on fire, I will ask the questions.

1. Should Metal Man and SIMBER duke it out in a full match?

2. Should Game Guru get better security for the Stadium?

3. Will Falcon ever win a match?

4. Is it fair that Snake put the C-4 on Falcon's car pre-match?

5. Does SIMBER appear in way too many matches these days?

6. Will Game Guru do anything about the other rules broken in this match?

Game Guru: You're lucky this counts Snake, I'm only letting it count because it ensures that crazy Falcon isn't in the finals!

Snake: I'll take what I can get. It wasn't my idea to fight out there, anyway.

Game Guru: ...Well, to be honest, I was going to just play a rerun instead of this match, but the ratings it got were actually quite decent. So I'm going to just make the rest of you pay for the damage out of your paychecks.

Snake: Fair is fair.

Metal Man: My beautiful paycheck! It has been ruined forever!

SIMBER: I am a hologram. Money and material wealth is useless to me. Have my paycheck.

Metal Man: ...Woohoo!

SIMBER: And this is Super Smash Stadium, signing out.

Metal Man: Remember kids: Don't fly super-powered racecars out of Stadium windows! You'll get bugs in your teeth!