Match #66

The Question: Which newcomer will become an official fighter?

Fighters for Saffron City
Player 1 Player 2 Player 3 Player 4
Cloud Strife Crono Billy Lee Mallow Nimbus

The Background:

Lemmy Koopa: Hello, and welcome to the Super Smash Stadium for today’s matchup!

Iggy Koopa: So, Lemola, which of our fighters will be battling today?

Lemmy: NONE of them!

Iggy: None of them?

Lemmy: Care to explain, Coop?

Adam Cooper: For the past week, I’ve been searching for strong fighters to battle for us in this match. And, under VGW’s permission, I told them that the winner of this battle would become an OFFICIAL Fighter in the Super Smash Stadium!

Iggy: So, do we have some footage of you on the field?

Adam: Yes, we do. Let’s ROLL TAPE! (Presses the play button)

(On tape, outside the Chocobo Ranch)

Adam: Hey! You would make an excellent fighter!

Cloud Strife: What the heck are you talking about?

Adam: Cloud Strife, I’ve been looking for you!

Cloud: Oh, really?

Adam: Yes, and I can tell you how to get your sword back.

Cloud: Hmmm?

Adam: ULTIMA Weapon. I know who stole it.

Cloud: Yes, so do I. That yoshi in the Super Smash Stadium… Hey… you work for that show, don’t you?

Adam: To some extent… But, you can get your sword back IF you win it back from him in an official fight.

Cloud: Okay, I’m up.

Adam: But, in order to be in an official fight, you must become an official fighter.

Cloud: Crash Bandicoot isn’t official…

Adam: He’s a long story. And, if you want to be an official fighter, come to the stadium at this time next week. You will be in a four-way battle to determine who becomes an official fighter.

Cloud: ...I’m in.

(Tape cuts to a scene of Adam somewhere in a city. The city is indeterminable)

Adam: You! Lee!

Billy Lee: Hmm?

Adam: How would you be interested in a chance to show of your skill?

Billy: Recruiting, I take it?

Adam: Hmm?

Billy: I watch the stadium.

Adam: Well, I’m getting four fighters for a fight, and the victor will become an official fighter in the Super Smash Stadium.

Billy: Sounds fun.

(Tape cut to the Millenium Fair, obviously, Cooper did a lot of travelling)

Adam: Crono!

Crono: (Walks over to Adam)

Adam: Do you remember your visit to the Super Smash Stadium?

Crono: (Nods)

Adam: So you’re a fan, I take it?

Crono: (Nods)

Adam: How would you like to enter a four-way battle for a chance at becoming an official fighter?

Crono: (Bends down slightly and does his battle victory pose)

Adam: I’ll take that as a yes.

Crono: (Nods)

(Cut tape to scene of Cooper flying above the clouds, a rainstorm below. Sitting on a single cloud, looking out into the air, is Mallow, bawling his eyes out)

Adam: What’s wrong, Mallow?

Mallow: I miss Mario and Geno! I haven’t seen them for a long time!

Adam: Well, how would you like to get a chance to go battle by their sides again?

Mallow: Hmm? (Stops crying a bit, the weather follows in suit)

Adam: I’m looking for a new fighter. There will be a four-way battle to determine who is the newest fight. Are you in?

Mallow: ...Okay.

(End Tape)

Adam: So, there we have it. Cloud Strife, Billy Lee, Crono whatever-his-last-name-is, and Mallow Nimbus.

Iggy: And now the fighters are entering the arena!

Lemmy: Cloud walks out through the Pokemon Door, buster sword over his shoulder.

Adam: Billy Lee is jumping back and forth between the two buildings!

Iggy: Interesting note about Billy Lee. While his triple jump normally doesn’t give him any extra height, it will allow him to catch the side of any flat surface, including the side of the Silph Co. building!

Lemmy: Meanwhile, Mallow is floating down from the clouds that he calls home.

Adam: And the Epoch makes a quick landing on the top of the Silph Co building, dropping Crono off before flying away!

Iggy: Shall we explain the movesets?

Lemmy: Of course…

Adam: First off, Cloud! Thanks to Squall Leonheart for sending in this moveset.

B Move Move Name Description
Upwards special Climhazzard Sticking sword in front, he shoots upwards
Standing special Blade Beam Swings sword down weakly, sending a beam of energy along a platform. Beam continues through opponents, and ends when platform ends.
Downward Special Finishing Touch Swings his sword around creating a (minor) tornado that tosses opponents into the air.

Iggy: Second, we have Crono’s moveset!

B Move Move Name Description
Upward Special Cyclone Spins his sword in a circle like a helicopter propeller and goes upwards
Standing Special Slash Identical to Cloud’s Blade Beam attack, but of the wind element
Downward Special Luminare A powerful explosion is emmitted from Crono, doing undodgable (but blockable) damage to the whole field, based on radius, which will do damage, but cannot knock the opponent down.

Lemmy: Billy Lee!

B Move Move Name Description
Upward Special Tornado Kick Remaining at same vertical level, he spins around and kicks in every direction. If the kick hits a flat surface, such as the fin of the Great Fox or the side of the Silph Co. building, he will catch it and quickly climb up.
Standing Special Knife Throw Quickly pulls out a knife and throws it straight forward
Downward Special Uppercut Bending down, he lets loose a powerful uppercut on his opponent, sending him straight up.

Adam: And now, sent in by Daffy Duck eons ago, Mallow (with a few alterations)!

B Move Move Name Description
Upward Special Cloud Ride A cloud appears under Mallow and carries him upwards.
Standing Special Shocker Shoots a quick bolt of lightning straight across the field in any of eight directions.
Downward Special Falling Star A star falls from the sky to the bottom of the screen wherever Mallow is standing. (Star is about 3X Mallow’s size)

Iggy: And now, ladies and gentlemen…

Lemmy: Boys and girls…

Adam: Smashtopians of ALL ages…

Iggy: Super Smash Stadium PROUDLY brings to you…

Lemmy: The Clown Prince Lemmy K.

Iggy: The Four-eyed Iggy K.

Adam: And Adam…


Adam: And for the thousands in attendance…

Lemmy: And the millions…

Iggy: And millions…

Lemmy: Reading world-wide…


Iggy: Crono and Cloud start out in a quick sword fight, with Cloud being knocked to the hospital roof!

Lemmy: Billy lets loose a powerful uppercut onto the poofy one, sending him to the floating platforms on the left!

Adam: Mallow leaps up and sends a quick Shocker jolt at Billy Lee, knocking him nearly into Crono!

Iggy: This gets these two into a quick duel! Crono uses a Cyclone to knock Billy down…

Lemmy: Billy pulls out a knife and hurls it at Crono as both Cloud and Mallow resume their positions in the fight!

Adam: Mallow drops a falling star, which knocks Crono onto the ground!

Iggy: Cloud pulls off a Blade Beam, with the energy shot going through all three of them.

Lemmy: And he tops it off with a finishing touch, sending the triad into the air!

Cloud 24 Crono 52 Billy 25 Mallow 19

Adam: Crono lands with a drop kick onto Cloud’s head, kicking him into the pokemon door!

Lemmy: An electrode rolls out, and it looks angry!

Iggy: Mallow shoots down a bolt at Cloud from the sky while Billy hurls a knife at Crono! The two are stuck and BOOM!

Adam: Everyone’s beloved Crono is out of there… Oh, and Cloud died too, but nobody cares.

Cloud 0D1 Crono 0D1 Billy 25D0 Mallow 19 D011

Iggy: For the record, this IS a three-life fight, so there’s still time for Cloud and Crono to make a comeback!

Lemmy: Billy now turns his attention to Mallow, the only opponent in the arena!

Adam: Hmm… Eeenie, meenie, minie, crate! (Hurls a crate into the arena)

Iggy: The crate lands over at the building to the right, and consequently, so does Mallow after a dreadful Uppercut from Lee!

Lemmy: He drops a star to open the crate, revealing a…

Adam: Pair of beamswords, of which he grabs one and runs toward Billy!

Iggy: Meanwhile, Cloud and Crono have re-appeared on the scene.

Adam: Cloud qickly grabs the other Beam Sword!

Lemmy: And soon the entire crew is back in the center of the roof!

Adam: Crono takes this opportunity to use a Luminare, which does minor damage to each opponent, but they don’t notice the straight damage.

Iggy: But they DO feel the full force of Cloud’s Climhazzard. He sticks the blade into Billy Lee, sending him, and Mallow, into the abyss!

Cloud 18D1 Crono 13D1 Billy 0D1 Mallow 0D1

Adam: Cloud and Crono each let loose their special attacks, sending energy beams along the ground at each other!

Lemmy: They both fall, but Cloud was close to the pokemon door! He falls in once again!

Iggy: And a powerful Charmander gives us some Kentucky Fried Squaresoft!

Adam: Both fighters get burned, and the newly restored Billy Lee and Mallow are unharmed by the flames!

Lemmy: After many punches and kicks, Crono grabs Billy by the shoulder and tosses him to the building on the right!

Iggy: Cloud slices Mallow with his Beam Sword a few times, doing some heavy damage. He’s got the puffball backed into the corner!

Adam: And who comes to Mallow’s rescue but Crono, grabbing Cloud from behind and tossing him into the pokemon door!

Lemmy: But with a shut door, Cloud richochets off and flies to the left.

Iggy: Of course, Crono’s not doing this out of kindness! He grabs Mallow as well and tosses him away!

Adam: A Luminare fills the screen doing minor damage to the enemies who are too far away.

Lemmy: Cloud and Mallow resume their fight, while Crono leaps over to the right!

Iggy: Crono kicks Billy, who easily makes it back up!

Adam: Billy uppercuts Crono high into the air!

Lemmy: And then lets loose a Tornado Kick when Crono comes down!

Iggy: Crono leaps back with a Cyclone twirl…

Adam: But Billy’s knife hits him! Crono’s down once again!

Lemmy: Meanwhile, Mallow picks up the hammer that I forgot to tell you I threw in…

Iggy: And Cloud’s lost his second life!

Adam: Heheh… Wait untill he sees what I threw in…

Lemmy: Mallow’s hammer hits a bob-omb! He’s out as well!

Adam: I love my job.

Cloud, Crono, Mallow 0D2 Billy 84D1

Iggy: Billy takes a moment to taunt here, but his opponents quickly come back.


Crono: (Nods)


Lemmy: It looks like the three have decided to gang up on Billy!

Adam: And it works! Within a few moments, Billy has been knocked out by a Falling Star!

Iggy: The triad waits for Billy to come back, each taunting…

Lemmy: Meanwhile, Adam’s watching cartoons when he should be commentating…

Adam: And Zim puts on robotic gloves from inside his command center! He starts to tie the end of the massive baloon shut!

Iggy: Adam… match…

Adam: But Invader Zim…

Lemmy: MATCH!

Adam: Fine… (Flips the switch for Billy’s lift) Huh? It’s broken!

Iggy: What’s going on…

Jimmy: You can’t lose this…

Billy: I have our dojo’s pride to uphold… For might! (Holds up a green sword)

Jimmy: For right! (Holds up an identical sword, and taps it to Billy’s)


Adam: An amazing shift here! Billy has just gained his Dragon armor, and is now jumping back into the arena!

Lemmy:: Is that legal to get new armor?

Iggy: I don't know. Do we have a new moveset for him though?

Adam: We do…

B Move Move Name Description
Upward Special Blade Tornado Identical to Tornado Kick, but with a sword instead of feet.
Standing Special Energy Swing Swings his sword to send a burst of energy forward. More powerful than Blade Beam and Slash, but stops after it hits something.
Downward Special Uppercut Slice Identical to Uppercut, but done with the hilt of his sword instead of his fist.

Lemmy: He lets loose a Blade Tornado as he lands, knocking the other three aside.

Iggy: But even the transformation won’t help him win a three on one!

Adam: He’s resorting to trickier tactics! He’s jumped to the top.

Billy: Hey, isn’t Chrono Trigger the best game Squaresoft EVER made?

Crono: (Nods)

Cloud: Heck no! It’s FF7.


Cloud: Are you some kind of retard?

Mallow: No, you are!

Cloud: That’s it…

Lemmy: Cloud lets loose a Climhazzard attack on Mallow, knocking him up with his gladius (that means sword)

Iggy: Ooh, Latin…

Adam: Umm… Gladius doesn’t JUST mean sword… Especially in THAT context…

Lemmy: SOMEBODY’S mind is in the gutter…

Iggy: Crono gets Cloud with a Cyclone as he tries to land!

Adam: Mallow drops a Falling Star on the group, as Billy takes a breather to talk with his fans.

Billy: And, I star in my own TV show.

Female fan in a sailor scout outfit: Really? Wow… Here’s my number… Call me…

Iggy: Cloud Strife is grabbed by Crono, and tossed away like yesterday’s garbage!

Lemmy: Mallow chases after him, shooting rapid bolts of Shocker at him! Cloud soon finds himself too far away to land!

Adam: And Cloud has been knocked out of fight!

Iggy: Mallow runs back towards Crono as a crate lands between them!

Lemmy: Crono slices through the crate… heart container and a fire flower!

Adam: Mallow rushes towards it…

Iggy: Crono knocks Mallow away and grabs the container!

Lemmy: And then, Crono grabs MALLOW, tossing him into the pokemon door!

Adam: Porygon pops out, tackling Mallow far away!

Iggy: And Crono hurls the flower at Mallow! We’ll have s’mores tonight!

Lemmy: And then, there were two…

Cloud (OUT) Crono 0D2 Billy 26 D2 Mallow (OUT)

Adam: Crono and Lee duke it out, Rainbow to… uhh… what’s Billy’s sword called?

Iggy: Dragon Sword maybe?

Adam: Well, it doesn’t really matter… Anyway…

Lemmy: Crono kicks Billy off the side of the arena!

Iggy: Billy uses his double jump to easily make it back, slashing Crono aside at the top before landing!

Lemmy: Crono uses a Slash to send a burst at Billy, but the attack fails to hit!

Adam: Billy kicks Crono in the head as he comes down!

Iggy: And a pokeball appears on the right! The two dive to get it!

Lemmy: Crono picks up the pokeball and tosses it high into the air before Billy kicks him aside!

Adam: Crono catches the edge as the pokeball lands, revealing…


Lemmy: Not so. If a pokeball opens to Mew, VGW pays 100 dollars to that fighter.

Iggy: Yeah! I forgot about that!

Adam: But, this isn’t an official bout… It’s a bout for an official figher…

Lemmy: I threw in that pokeball… can I have the 100 bucks?

Dark Horse: No!

Adam: Allow me…

Dark Horse: Allow you what?

Adam: (Picks up Dark Horse and hurls him out of the commentators box)

Lemmy: They battle tightly on the platform to the right!

Iggy: Untill Crono lets loose a powerful Cyclone!

Adam: And Billy goes flying!

Lemmy: One jump…

Iggy: Two jumps…

Adam: And he Tornado Slashes the wall! Billy’s sword sticks into the wall, allowing him to jump back up!

Lemmy: And kick Crono in the head while he’s at it…

Iggy: Billy unleashes his Uppercut Slice, sending Crono into the air!

Adam: Let’s get something good to finish this… (Tosses in a Home Run Bat)

Lemmy: Billy grabs the bat, and Crono’s coming down…

Iggy: He swings…

Crono: (Flies through the air with his mouth open and arms flailing)


Lemmy: And that’s the END of the ball game!

This game’s winner is...BILLY LEE!!!

The best Squaresoft game ever is...FINAL FANTASY THREE SLASH SIX!!!


Adam: Thank you! And now, we have Ralph Wright, reporter for a minor metropolitan newspaper, here to interveiw our new fighter and the losers.

Ralph: Mallow, QUACK, how do you feel about today’s match?

Mallow: WAAAAAA!!!! (A rainstorm starts outside the stadium)

Ralph: Okay… (Waddles over to Cloud) Quack! What did you think?

Cloud: I would have won if Crono wasn’t such a moron… FF7 is clearly the greatest video game ever, followed by Ergheiz and FFT.

Ralph: And do you have anything else to say?

Cloud: I’ll be back… I want ULTIMA Weapon…. (Buster Sword over his back, he walks away)

Ralph: Crono! Crono! Do you have any opinions on this match?

Crono: …

Ralph: I see… And on the outcome…

Crono: …

Ralph: REALLY?!?!?

Crono: (nods)

Ralph: Well, you certainly are being a good sport. I hope to see you again some time.

Crono: (Nods and walks away)

Ralph: And now… to the winner’s circle… (Leaps into the air and flies over to the winner’s circle)

Iggy: Congradulations, William Lee! You are now an OFFICIAL fighter in the Super Smash Stadium!

Billy: I can’t thank you enough, and it’s Billy.

Iggy: Right…

Ralph: So, QUACK, Billy… anything to say to all the people who cheered you on?

Billy: Yes. Stay in school, drink your milk, and don’t do drugs!

Ralph: How… original…

Billy: And now, if you don’t mind, I have a date with that lovely fan over there.

Adam: Umm… Isn’t that Terry?

Billy: Yes… That’s her name… Why?

Adam: Ooh… Nothing… go have fun!

Lemmy: Okay, and now some questions…

  1. Would you have liked someone else to win?
  2. Who actually answers these questions anyway?
  3. Is FF3/6 REALLY Squaresoft’s best game ever?
  4. If Penguins are birds, why can’t they fly?
  5. Did Billy do an illegal move with with the Dragon Transformation?
  6. And finally, if we opened a stall charging five dollars to throw Dark Horse out of the commentating box, by what percent would it increase revenues?