Match #97

The Question: What kind of racing is the best?

Knight9910: Welcome, one and all to a brand spankin' new exciting SSS matchup! My special guest commentator tonight is Extreme G racer Neo Cumulus!

Neo Cumulus: Whassap, everyone?! Tune in to my next race in about 200 years!

Knight9910: Did I forget to mention Extreme G takes place in the 2200's?

Neo: Like anyone watching this has even heard of the series anyway. Just move on.

Knight9910: Now you may be wondering why I have an obscure racing game character commentating with me today. You may also be wondering why I'm writing official matches again. Well, you'll just have to keep wondering because I'm not gonna tell you!

Neo: Jerk.

Knight9910: Before we begin let's take our obligatory trip down memory lane and see how this all got started. Roll that beautiful bean footage!

Neo: Sure thing, chief!

*Neo pushes a video tape into the VCR and it shows the end of a recent kart race.*

Navi: Congratulations, Mario! You've just won an exciting race against Bowser and Peach. Do you have anything to say?

Mario: Waha! I feel a-great! I'm-a ready to take on-a anyone!

Navi: That's great, Mario! Because your next match-up is--

Falcon: BOOOOO!!! Kart racing is for WUSSIES!

Mario: What? Hey! Why don't you-a come down here and say that to-a my face-a!

Falcon: Ha! You don't wanna mess with me! I'm way too fast for you! You should stick to plumbing, slow-poke!

Sonic: Would you two ego-hounds shut up? I can outrun the both of you ON FOOT!

Falcon: You want some too, Spikey? Let's go!

The tape cuts off as the three get into a fist fight.

Knight9910: Admittedly that tape kinda makes Falcon look like a jerk. In his defense he was pretty messed up on Kero Kero Colas and wasn't in his right mind.

Neo: Dude, I really don't see the point behind this fight. I mean, the Extreme G Racing League beats all three of them. Especially since we get to use missiles and lasers and junk. My personal fave's the Flame Exhaust: speed boost and I get to deep fry all the losers trying to tail me! XG is the bomb, yo!

Knight9910: Indeed it is. Well, I believe that's all the obligatory pre-match chatter needed and the fighters seem to be getting restless as well. Shall we?

Neo: Sure, bro.

Knight9910: Alright, then without further ado, the Super Smash Stadium is proud to bring to you, zero time heavyweight champion of the world, Knight9910!!

Neo: And the One...I'm not that Neo, you idiots!!

Knight9910: The SSS commentators!

Neo: Word up.

Knight9910: And now for the millions in attendance...

Neo: Now that I think of it, shouldn't some announcer guy be saying this part?

Knight9910: And for the millions more watching around the world...

Neo: I mean, the audience in the stadium can't even hear us.

Knight9910: LET'S GET THIS SMASHFEST STARTED!!!

Neo: Whoah! And the fighting begins immediately! Falcon dashes in and hits Mario with the Raptor Boost!

Knight9910: Mario retaliates with a Super Mario Tornado right before getting beaned in the back of the head by Sonic!

Neo: Falcon Falcon Kicks through the both of them, ending up on the other side of the Falcon Flyer. Both fighters are knocked up into the air!

Knight9910: Mario recovers first and lands a meteor smash on Sonic, sending him down to the waiting Falcon where he's smashed away!

Neo: He lands on the cars below. Mario and Falcon spend some more time trading blows before the Falcon Flyer flies away and they go down to join Sonic on the lower area.

Knight9910: Sonic smashes Falcon as soon as he lands. Due payback I suppose.

Neo: Falcon flies straight into Mario with a Falcon Dive. The plumber is shot up into the air. Falcon readies his signature Falcon Punch as Mario descends but is hit in the back by a Super Spin Jolt!

Knight9910: Mario lands safely and returns the favor to Sonic by hitting Falconwith a Super Mario Punch, sending coins flying!

Neo: Mario tries to meteor smash into Sonic on his way down but the hedgehog is too fast for him! He succeeds only in hitting the ground where Sonic was!

Knight9910: Meanwhile, Sonic uses a Light Speed Dash to blow through the competition. That turns out to be a bad move when he misses the next car. Ring-out for Sonic as the cars fly over a huge gap.

Neo: And it's a triple ring-out as his opponents take a dive too!

M: 0% D1CF: 0% D1 StH: 0% d1

Knight9910: Falcon uses his Falcon Dive on Sonic. And Mario returns on the revival platform.

Neo: Mario wants a little payback for that! He attacks Sonic but the hedgehog manages to avoid it by jumping to a flying platform.

Knight9910: Falcon jumps up and grabs Sonic with a Falcon Dive.

Neo: Mario jumps up and hits them both with a Super Jump Punch!

Knight9910: Both manage to jump back up to the cars as the fight continues.

Neo: Can I throw in an item?

Knight9910: Knock yourself out. Oh! Sonic jumps into the air and uses his Spin Jolt on Mario!

Neo: *Neo tosses out a crate.* But that Spin Jolt keeps him airborne too long. He falls way behind and takes another dive!

M: 25% D1CF: 17% D1 StH: 0% d2

Knight9910: Poor Sonic. His high-movement moves are a real disadvantage on a dynamic arena like this. Mario breaks open Neo's crate releasing a ray gun, a beam sword, and what appears to be a Dairy Queen ice cream cake.

Neo: Falcon picks up the ray gun and Mario grabs the beam sword. You know, we could change to an arena that wouldn't be so unfair to Sonic, who has just now reappeared.

Knight9910: Yeah, we could. Falcon takes some potshots against Mario.

Neo: Mario prepares to shield, but he gets attacked from behind by Sonic. He's knocked to the ground as Sonic takes all the shots and falls off the car and onto the track. And it's adios for Sonic.

Knight9910: Wait! He's coming back!

Neo: Really? Dude. I guess he really CAN outrun an F-Zero car on foot...

Sonic: I can't keep this speed up. Need help! Tails!

Tails: I'm here Sonic! And I have Chaos Emeralds!

Sonic: Yeah! I'm back in business! Drop 'em,Tails!

Tails: Alight, I-- *SKREE-OWWWWWW* --GAH!

Neo: Sonic drops back out of bounds as his only hope is suddenly blasted by a giant laser beam. How could that have happened?

Knight9910: *Knight whistles innocently with his hand near a button marked "Orbital Death Laser".*

Neo: Dude, that's harsh.

Knight9910: Maybe. Let's see those stats!

M: 30% D1CF: 17% D1 StH: PUNK'D!

Neo: Mario makes a dive for the cake and eats the whole thing!

Mario: My-a head!

Knight9910: Mario takes 5% damage from ice cream headache and is attacked by Falcon.

Neo: The two trade hits for a while before Mario uppercuts Falcon up to one of the flying platforms.

Knight9910: Falcon does a Falcon Kick through Mario. They both fall off the cars but Mario manages to make it back. But Falcon falls out of the match as the cars soar over a gap.

M: 69% D1CF: 0% D2

Neo: Falcon is on his last life now. This could be over any second now, man.

Knight9910: Yes, it could. The Falcster returns and unleashes a killer combo on the...uh...Marster.

Neo: Mario retaliates and knocks Falcon onto the track. Is it over already?

Knight9910: No! Falcon manages to grab onto one of the cars and flip himself on top.

Neo: The fight continues! MarioComes in to finish Falcon off only to get hit with Falcon's signature Falcon Punch move and knocked out of the arena. And Falcon taunts.

M: 0% D2CF: 45% D2 ND

Knight9910: Mario returns and the two trade punches some more.

Neo: Mario attempts a Super Mario Jump Punch but Falcon escapes by climbing onto that...orb...thingy.

Knight9910: I think it's a camera.

Neo: Maybe. He jumps off and does a downwards aerial kick onto Mario's head.

Knight9910: How ironic. Mario retreats to one of the flying platforms. Falcon gives chase.

Neo: But he misses with his Falcon Dive move, falling straight into a Super Mario Tornado. He's knocked into the air.

Knight9910: He dodges another Super Mario Tornado and falls onto the cars. Mario gives chase as a flying platform floats by carrying a bunny hood.

Neo: Falcon connects with a Falcon Dive as the cars soar over another gap.

Knight9910: The two trade punches some more before Mario juggles Falcon with two Super Mario Tornados in a row.

Neo: They trade punches some more. The car they're on is lagging behind now. They're about to go out of bounds.

Knight9910: They both jump toward the next car. Mario realizes he's not going to make it. He turns in mid-air and blocks Falcon who goes out just a tiny bit before Mario!

Knight9910: That was certainly an exciting match, don't you agree, Neo?

Neo: Not at all, bro!

Knight9910: That's right! Wait, what?

Neo: Let's go to Navi now who's with the loser!

Navi: What are you talking about? I'm with Mario.

Neo: Exactly. Loser.

Navi: Whatever. How do you feel about your victory today, Mario?

Mario: I-a did it! I proved I am-a the best! I am un-a-defeated!

Navi: You have a very selective memory, don't you?

Mario: What-a?

Navi: Nothing. Back to you, Knight and Neo.

Knight9910: And now back to Navi who's with the other losers.

Neo: That was quick.

Navi: Yeah. They're all in the same locker room.

Knight9910: ...

Navi: So, how do you two feel?

Sonic: Cheated. I'm gonna get you, Knight!

Knight9910: Neo did it.

Neo: Dude, not cool!

Sonic: Yeah right! Neo's my home boy! He'd never do that!

Neo: Word!

Navi: Harsh words from the blue hedgehog. How are you doing, Captain Falcon?

Falcon: I deserved that win! Mario is old and washed up! I would've made it back to the arena if he hadn't cheated me!

Navi: That's...actually true.

Falcon: Of course it is! Look at me! Look at these pecs! These biceps! These iron hard abs! I'm physical perfection and he's an obese midget!

Mario: Hey! You-a take that a-back!

Falcon: Bring it on, shrimp!

Sonic: Let's go!

Navi: Hey now! Calm down! Calm...oh no you did NOT just mess up my hair! It's on! It's on like Donkey Kong!

*The camera cuts off and goes back to the commentators.*

Neo: Go Navi! Whoo whoo whoo!

Knight9910: Dude, I didn't know you knew Sonic.

Neo: Yeah.

Knight9910: ... Okay... Well, that about wraps it up. You want the questions?

Neo: Sure.

1. Should someone besides Mario have won?

2. Should we have used a different arena?

3. Is there a spoon?

4. Is Knight a hypocrite for blatantly cheating Sonic out of a win here right after complaining to Adam about how he cheated to have Roy beaten by Young Link?

Knight9910: I'm not a hypocrite. You see, it's different here because my cheating is funny.

Neo: Not really.

Knight9910: Whatever. You just can't grasp the complexity of my humor. This is what I've been TRYING to explain to the people at Meleenium. They only think I'm a hypocrite because they're too stupid to understand my logic.

Neo: ...

Knight9910: Now that that's settled. *Knight clears his throat.* Until next time this is Knight9910!

Neo: And Extreme G racer Neo Cumulus!

Knight9910: Saying, next time take the blue pill!

Neo: Good night, everyone and don't forget to send in those reactions!